A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I don’t even know where to begin this. I am so confused. I basically feel like second best in my relationship with my boyfriend; he is 26 and I am 22 going on 23. I feel so stupid because I know most of you are going to think that I’m crazy.My boyfriend and I have known each other for a little over 3 years. We met through mutual friends and just became best friends ever since. At the time I met him; he was in a relationship with a woman and had been with her for 2 years at that point. About 6 or 7 months after that they broke up. About 4 months after that he began dating another woman and they just broke up back in August of last year. Both of these women are drop dead gorgeous. Stunningly beautiful, even the most jealous of women would take a second look at them because they are just naturally very beautiful; perfect skin, hair, body, personality, talented, and very smart.When he broke up with the most recent woman, I asked him why they didn’t work out, he clearly loved her a lot, and he said it was because she didn’t want to get married within the next three or four years and he wants to sooner. Two months after that he asked me out on a date. I was beyond ecstatic. I have had a crush on him for so long but I would never ever let it show or tell anyone because he was happy and in other relationships. So here we are 5 months later.He never really tells me I’m beautiful. He usually says I’m cute and once in a while says I’m pretty. He tells me that I am so funny and nice, etc. Which is fine, being known as pretty will only get you so far. But the thing is, he used to tell his other gf’s the exact same things, except every 5 seconds tell them how gorgeous they were as well as how funny and sweet and caring. I don’t look like these girls. I think I’m okay; I am a little overweight for my body (5’10), so I have some insecurities.We have a great relationship and have so much in common but I feel like I’m more of a convenience. Last week when we were eating dinner, I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but he said that he always knew about my crush and knew that I wanted to get married. He knew how much I like him and that I did want marriage. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. My feelings are hurt and I don’t know what to do. Everything in their relationships, from what I had seen and heard was great, just that they wanted to wait a while for marriage and he didn’t. He really isn’t a bad guy and felt bad for embarrassing me. I just want to know how to talk to him about this so our relationship can get back on track. I don’t want to come across as crazy or psycho (which is probably how I sound right now :| ). Are my feelings accurate or am I just extremely insecure??? Please help me, any advice is welcome and please be gentle!!!
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Hi, stop obsessing about the exes looks and you should tell the BF when he raves about his ex, well if they were such good catch he would be with then, which means you are a better catch. Say it light hearted so he gets the message and it just might stop him talking about the ex.Also , negativity feeds into a relationship and will eventually destroy it, so move on and remember there is something attractive and lovable or why would he want you.Attraction for men is physical and then everything else comes along. You have to believe that you are pretty and I am sure you still attract other men, which you BF surely has noticed. DOnt let your insecurities destroy what you have.Goodluck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): " Are my feelings accurate or am I just extremely insecure??"
Half of your post sounds like a self-fabricated problem. You observe and compare everything this man does against your impression of his exes. For instance, he compliments your personality, and you choose to perceive this compliment as him thinking you're not as beautiful as his exes. For what it's worth, that kind of thinking WILL drive you crazy. And it's not his issue, it's yours.
I was prepared to tell you this was all your problem up until your last few paragraphs about him looking for marriage and him knowing you about your crush and how you wanted marriage.
I can see why you might think he finds you "convenient" (and I probably sympathize because I don't have a desire to get married) but I don't think what he said is cause for your feelings to be hurt. I do think what he said gives insight about what he wants. He probably wants to settle down and get married. He was attracted to you because you wanted the same thing. Is that a bad thing? Personally, I don't think so.
You seem so interested in comparing yourself against his exes, that you assume that you're some kind of safety pick or fall back from his past. Perhaps you're exactly who he's ready to commit to. Can you forget his past? It seems he's interested in committing to you.
Rather than comparing yourself to his exes, a better pursuit would be to ask yourself is this man is who you want or you're even ready to get married to? Why not ignore his exes and focus on that question for a while?
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