A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm nervous. Last week, my boyfriend was telling me he was a little depressed. Things were not going well at work and he felt he needed to change his life. He said he only spent time with me (which was nice) but maybe he needed to see his friends more like I see mine. But then, this week, we saw each each other more. Today, he wants me to leave work early to see him and for us to take a trip next week. He is 35, I am 20. I love him dearly but in the back of mind, I worry about him. There's something lost about him...he's like a little boy sometimes, playful and clinging to me and then, he "remembers" himself and just seems aloof. Once, I unwillingly hurt him and he said, "that's what happens when people get too attached."I feel he's been really hurt and it took him a while to share some things with me. I feel like there's a crisis coming and that he'll count me out because I am young. I love him. We have fun just reading books together, talking and finding random things to try. What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): People's issues are their own to sort out, and that applies as much to a period of depression as anything else. But you can be both supportive and helpful.People within an episode of depression lack the ability to do stuff. They'll often know what needs to be done, but can't actually find the internal whatever-it-is to do it. So if he says he needs to spend more time with his friends, and has failed to do so, then you could step up. Hold a BBQ or something. Explain to a close mutual friend, and get him to come and collect him to take to the football, or other lads thing.You might want to take your bf to the doctor. But there's a judgement call there. Everyone gets depressed for a time, just as everyone gets a cold. You've got to determine if his condition is bad enough to seek help for. The risk is that he'll label himself as "depressed" and own the role, using that label as a crutch not to exit his circumstances (eg, leave his workplace). If you decide things are bad enough that this is a risk worth taking, you might have to do all of the organising so that the consultation takes place. You should keep a close eye on the expertise and effectiveness of the doctor, and not be afraid to seek elsewhere if there is a lack of effectiveness.Do talk with him. It seems to me that work is the immediate cause of this issue. So now would be a good time to chat about work, about the people there, and so on so you can form your own opinion about what is going on. If you know other people from his work who might give an honest confidential perspective, then having a chat with them (without your bf there) would be good. It might be one of those terrible, soul-destroying places (and often just the change of one person can transform a workplace into one of those). In which case, help him get out of there, perhaps starting with a holiday and seeing if his mood improves. And if so, then the two of you have an answer and can make plans.You should also consider yourself. Too many partners are too self-sacrificing in these situations. If you do that then you'll end up hating him if this is the start of a long period of depression.You've also got to be careful not to have this degenerate into a carer-patient situation. Because that is often the death of adult-like respect, and the start of the end of any romantic relationship. Being relentlessly practical, and not buying into any psychodrama, is a good approach.
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