A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:Hi there,I have a friend who I have known since I was 10 years old. She and her mother have always been a little bit jealous of me. My friend's mum is quite beautiful and was a model in her young days and her daughter wasn't exactly what she was hoping for- overweight and not particularly smart. She once offered to pay her daughter money if she lost weight....that was when we were 13! Bit messed up. When we were teenagers all of the boys she liked asked me to be their girlfriend. She always encouraged me to do so and I was a bit clueless so went a long with it.People think that I am beautiful and especially her parents. I can still see the uneasiness in her mother's eyes at social events. She wishes that I wasn't there. I shine too much. Regardless of all of this ridiculous crap we have stayed friends for 21 years. I rarely see her mum now. I still get the feeling that the friendship isn't 100% genuine and that sometimes she enjoys any hardship I am going through mainly with relationships that have failed. We see each other probably 3-4 times per year and text now and then. When we get in contact I feel as though she is just trying to get "the goss" and then she is gone. She is a huge gossiper as she doesn't really have any interests aside from other people in her social circle. It's always in regards to a relationship that I am in. I feel as though she is just trying to juice out the information so that she has something to talk about OR that she is just checking in to make sure that I am not happy. I get the feeling that she likes it when things don't work out when I am in a love relationship. Maybe it is because her marriage is the only thing she has ever really achieved?? I don't know. She isn't at all threatened by my successful career so why the relationships?She also rarely tells me anything that is going on in her life. But drills me with so many questions and never talks about her children with me.This upsets me because it makes me feel as though she doesn't REALLY care but is just doing her best to (in a way)keep control and keep informed on the facts.It makes the friendship feel false and shallow even though there have been some times where it has felt genuine but not a lot. It feels a bit like a competition sometimes and always has. I also feel like I am being used like a tool for her to reflect- in the sense that she asks me very personal questions as though she cares and then disappears. She likes to live vicariously through other people as she has been with the same man since she was 15. Are the events in my life just something to entertain her?Any ideas or thoughts on the above would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (20 December 2012):
For many people, their most important goal in pursuit of happiness and in life is to find a loving life-long partner. It is possible that she feels like you are in some sort of competition and while you have a successful career and are beautiful, your friend has been in a relationship with the same man for years...while it may seem weird, this is the only thing she could ever even think about 'competing' with you on because you win the looks/brains/career categories without any problems.
If you do not want to discuss your failed rtlationships or personal problems with her, then tell her it makes you sad and you don't want to talk about it. Then change the subject, ask her how her kids are and what they have been up to. If you do not have children, your friend probably thinks you don't want to hear about hers. If you would like to hear about her children or anything else in her life ask her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): She and her mother have always been jealous of me/She is overweight and not particularly smart/All of the boys she liked always like me/Everyone thinks I am beautiful. Her? not so much...not even her parents/She enjoys to hear about my failures/She is gossipy/Her marriage is the ONLY accomplishment she has/She has been with the same dude since she was 15. And apparently that makes her a loser....
Ok. You have not said one positive thing about this girl. Not even one. I mean you are even bashing her for things that don't concern you and if anything you should be supportive about. That is if you were a true friend. Obviously you do not like her, so why do you care what she thinks? It is very very clear that there is definitely a competitive nature between the two of you. Based on your allegations and extremely negative comments about her it appears like it is a two way street.
For being the self-proclaimed "innocent" one in this competitive friendship, how do you rate yourself as a friend? Because if I had a so called "friend" who spoke of me the way you spoke of her, I'd be questioning your intentions, not so much my own and I would definitely re think my friendship with you.
I am only trying to be fair here, but if anything, it sounds like you are jealous of her...maybe you should take a look at yourself and your merit as a friend and do a little re evaluation of yourself...just saying...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Based on the information you give its hard to tell. I get the feeling that back then when you were younger, her weight, you having bfs wasn't a problem of hers, but of her mums. Her mum sounds rather stuck up and from that she will have learned.
Its hard to say why unless you know of any particular reason, or even which would state she wants you to fail in relationships? Does her attitude with you change? Is she one of them thats al sympathetic but you can tell its fake and shes secretly pleased?
As for the gossip, sadly alot of girls do. I think she is very insecure even now and because you have both moved on and grew up this is how she deals with it. She still envys you in some way or another no matter how happy she is, and maybe doesn't tell you about her life because she feels you may better it. Who knows. Its one of those situations that you can't really clarify unless you know the person but from what you said, that is my guess. Hope that helps somewhat even if I'm not correct.
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