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female
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anonymous
writes: I found our three years ago that my husband (whom I had been married to for 16 years) had been using porn to masturbate over since before we met and consequently brought it into our marriage. I feel like my married life has been a lie. I was so angry and hurt when I found out what had been going on without me knowing. It made me feel inadequate and ugly. My whole world fell apart. How could he have kept it so secret all those years? I really didn't have a clue at the time as early on he did it mostly at work. The biggest give away should really have been the lack of a healthy sex life. I was the one who had to 'make the move' all the time and it got so boring. No wonder! It didn't matter whether we had sex or not as he would masturbate and fantasise to satisfy himself as and when he needed to at work. I was substituted for these beautiful porn dolls which he obviously preferred to me. When we bought a computer he started using it to look at internet porn whilst I was at work in the evenings, our young daughter would be sat watching the tv while my husband was wanking in the other room in front of the computer. He got so addicted to it that I eventually found a 'clue' that he mistakenly left behind. At first he tried to make out it was a one off, it wasn't a problem to him and he could give it up. I really believed him. A year later I finally admited he had continued to look at porn and masturbate at work but had given up looking at home on the internet (or so he has told me). Since then I have become so obsessed with what he has done and all his lies have caused so much more damage than probably the porn would have done if he had been honest in the first place. We have had violent blazing rows as I feel I need an explanation and a reason as to why he chose to do this. Some of the things he has said about why he did it are:-*It was a man thing and everyone does it and he works in a male dominated environment which made it look normal! *He felt he had nothing else in his life. (He had everything but his obsession would not let him see it). *And even though there were times he wanted sex with me he did not know how to make the first move.*Although he looked at porn and masturbated he still loved me all the time he was doing it and knew it would break my heart if I ever found out. It has destroyed me as a person and taken alot of enjoyment out of my life. I find it very difficult to trust him after years of lies and lying over his problem too. How could anyone do something like this to someone they say they love? I need to know the real reason why and feel so frustrated at our lack on being unable to communicate without it all ending in yet another violent row. Can anyone give me a reason why some men do this to themselves and their families and how I can try to put it behind me and move towards a good life for us all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): it makes me feel sick about my man watching porn he does it when im out for the day or hes off work and it makes me never want to leave his side as the thought of him getting off on another women kills me . forget all the rubbish he is imagining another women and she is the reason he is reaching a climax. it dosnet mater it thoug a scrren it might aswell be happening in the same room
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): i think im like you, but if i had half the evidence you have i'd be outta there, you gotta know this is bringing you down too much, some men , not all men do this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): I understand where you are coming from. i just found out last week that my boyfriend of two years has been hiding his porn habit from me. he left the cookies undeleted and all his dirty laundry was exposed. i felt sick because from the start, he knew how against porn i was. when he got back from work, i questioned him about it and he tried argueing saying that all guys do it even married men. he is 27, and i am 20. there is nothing wrong with me or with my body- im not fat or ugly. somehow, although its his fault, i started to blame myself for not being good enough! the thing is, though, he enjoys mature porn- much much older women. im just 20 and never in my life did i think i would be challenged by older women!!! anyway, i told him how i felt about it- whenever i had sex with him after that, i felt so dirty, like i was just an instrument for all his wild sexual collection in his head from porn. i don't know if i will ever really get over it but you must be feeling so much worse because you are married and have children!!! if you can get through this and forgive and forget, at least you'll come out stronger. do put your foot down though, because he is, after all your husband, and he's vowed to offer up his life in sole devotion to you, not to those sluts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): Even though you're embarrassed, you probably need to see a counselor about this. At the least, be aware that your anger and hurt can work a lot of damage, and definitely be aware of any urge to retaliate. Are you upset more because of the porn, or more because of his deception? I would think that most people masturbate, some more than others. Most men, I would think- as they are generally visual- do it to pictures. Masturbation is something private and personal we give to ourselves, a supposedly safe space where people can have their fantasies without hurting anyone. Your husband is probably not thinking of it as a way to betray you. Just like most women do not think it is betrayal when they read a sexy novel or think about how sexy that hero in the latest film is acting. We wouldn't be human if we didn't notice. Now that you know, you have to decide whether or not you can accept this about him. This could be a turning point in your relationship and open you both to a more sharing, caring life together, as long as you both continue to respect each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): Men do this because they "choose" to do it and then they become like your husband who has an out of control sexual addiction, hun. And that is exactly why so many couples are lined up, in marriage counseling offices, across the nation, as a result. Sadly, in the end, porn doesn’t whet men’s appetites-it turns them off the real thing. The impact of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading many men to see fewer and fewer women as 'porn-worthy'. I can't speak for all men, but it appears a whole generation of men are less able to connect erotically to women and ultimately less libidinous. But over the long run, it comes down to choices, on the man's part. My ex-husband never viewed porn, my partner does not view porn. Porn is not allowed in our home. If it did 'creep' in..the computers and the internet would be 'out the window'..simple as that. Take a hard stand and put your foot down. If you want to save this marriage, get the 'porn'out of your home and getyour husband into counseling. If he doesn't want to do it and porn takes precedence over his marriage, then he's a hollow husk of a man and you need to walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): I am replying back to my own problem here. I could not put everything I wanted into my e mail yesterday. Soulsista has got the wrong end of the problem here. It is not about masturbation being wrong it is about the fact that my husband totally abused my trust for most of our married life, continually lied to me and pushed me to one side for his secret seedy 'affair' with pornography. Because I trusted him he was able to do it for so long and he was such an expert at hiding it. Its totally unbelievable. I put everything I had into our marriage and bringing up our daughter. I worked hard too and in return I am rewarded with this. His problem has become mine and it is a very heavy burden to carry around. I can't talk to anyone about it because I am embarassed! Yes, me embarassed and humiliated over my husband substituting me for porn. In the past I instigated sharing pornography with my husband to spice up our relationship and he showed very little interest, even making me feel dirty for enjoying watching it with him. I was not against the use of pornography between two people. The problem is when you are doing it alone and in secret and it affecting your relationship and how you see your wife. When I confronted him with this he said he was embarrassed watching it with me yet he would view it for hours on his own! Why? Why? Why?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): Not all men are such creeps, I promise you.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 February 2006):
 My heart goes out to you and I do appreciate what you feel.
If you look on this site to the category 'pornography' you will find many questions like yours and it really is very sad.
I don't think the answer below allowed for the fact that blatent substitution was involved here. Yes, to be open minded, pornography can be fine if both individuals wish to participate, if there is no secrecy, etc, etc. In the same way that it would be wrong for a woman to prefer her vibrator to a man (and this does happen too) it is wrong and so very unfair for a man to prefer pornography than making the effort with his wife/girlfriend.
I can understand why you are having difficulty trusting him after this. I wonder if it will be any comfort for you to know that I do feel that he loves you and he has separated his love for you from his lust for pornography.
I think he has an addiction that is quite serious and the way for you all to move forward would be to seek counselling, perhaps Relate and/or specific counselling for your husband.
At this moment in time, you are arguing because you feel so very hurt (which is entirely understandable) along with so many other emotions such as not feeling wanted, desirable, etc and he can't convey exactly how he feels.
Outside help could be extremely beneficial for both of you.
I think your situation is serious and warrants a little more than the old familiar 'all men do it'. Rubbish! Not all men do (men are unique, after all and cannot be categorised) and some men that do watch pornography may watch it with their girlfriend/wife or in such an unobtrusive way that it doesn't harm their relationship.
You want to get your marriage back on track and you have to be able to talk to do this. Then you will be able to revitilise your marriage and allow the past to remain as the past.
Look for professional help that is objective and understanding as soon as you can to open the communication channels.
I hope this helps.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 February 2006):
My heart goes out to you and I do appreciate what you feel.
If you look on this site to the category 'pornography' you will find many questions like yours and it really is very sad.
I don't think the answer below allowed for the fact that blatent substitution was involved here. Yes, to be open minded, pornography can be fine if both individuals wish to participate, if there is no secrecy, etc, etc. In the same way that it would be wrong for a woman to prefer her vibrator to a man (and this does happen too) it is wrong and so very unfair for a man to prefer pornography than making the effort with his wife/girlfriend.
I can understand why you are having difficulty trusting him after this. I wonder if it will be any comfort for you to know that I do feel that he loves you and he has separated his love for you from his lust for pornography.
I think he has an addiction that is quite serious and the way for you all to move forward would be to seek counselling, perhaps Relate and/or specific counselling for your husband.
At this moment in time, you are arguing because you feel so very hurt (which is entirely understandable) along with so many other emotions such as not feeling wanted, desirable, etc and he can't convey exactly how he feels.
Outside help could be extremely beneficial for both of you.
I think your situation is serious and warrants a little more than the old familiar 'all men do it'. Rubbish! Not all men do (men are unique, after all and cannot be categorised) and some men that do watch pornography may watch it with their girlfriend/wife or in such an unobtrusive way that it doesn't harm their relationship.
You want to get your marriage back on track and you have to be able to talk to do this. Then you will be able to revitilise your marriage and allow the past to remain as the past.
Look for professional help that is objective and understanding as soon as you can to open the communication channels.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (6 February 2006):
 I understand you are hurt after he's hidden this from you for so long but I just don't see masturbation as a big problem in a relationship. Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you would react this way? I see how boring it must have been when he wasn't initiating sex anymore but there are ways you can both enjoy a good sex life together and apart (alone apart obviously!)
Me and my boyfriend have a good sex life and we both enjoy to pleasure ourselves too. We sometimes incorporate this into our sex life together which can be fun! With regards to the porn thing, that's totally normal, whether a man is married, single, gay, straight, happy or sad, he will watch and enjoy porn. It doesn't mean he doesn't want sex with the woman he loves, they just enjoy watching others do it for some reason!!
I know you are very low about this and I hope you have told him how you feel. I know it's hard but rowing really isn't the way to end this upset for you or him. If you cannot accept his sexual needs, maybe you need to have a think about your future together. I hope things work out, just talk to him and see where you get to. Good luck
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