A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a really close guy friend for about 2 years now, we have a lot in common and we talk just about everything. I treat him just as a close friend and I have always been open to him about any topic, when he needs someone to talk to, I'd be the first one to listen because I really treasure this friendship. I do not want anything to happen since he has a girlfriend, which also happens to be my friend. From what I know, he is really in love with her...However, recently I sense that something weird is going on between us. Sometimes I feel he is not interested in my life at all, and can just stop talking with me for weeks, and suddenly he just appears and asks me what's going on, and why I haven't talked to him. Then he would talk about something that, IMO, is quite flirtatious/sexual, he always sounds like he's joking, but I am not sure if he really IS joking... usually I would just stop and change the subject. I just have a feeling that whenever he talks to me, it must be something flirtatious, and after "he gets what he wants", he just disappears.Of course I don't want to embarrass him by telling him what I feel because what if he's not then it would be quite awkward. But what I want to know is, is this man wanting something more than a friendship from me?!?! Do guys like to just try and see how much he can get from their female friends??? I really like him as a friend, we started off really well, I don't remember since when we've got into such situation... but I'm not sure what he's really thinking... is he actually interested in me, or he just wants me as a FWB... it hurts... I'll stop this kind of relationship if I am sure he's trying to see if I'm interested in a no-strings attached relationship!?!!? I'm kinda afraid to lose such a good friend, and I am just wondering if there is anything I did wrong... because I was being very open to him and we talk about everything including relationship issues... however it makes me feel he's just using me or taking advantages of my kindness and understanding towards him and his daily life issues...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): Thanks FA and everybody, and I apologize for not making things more transparent in the first place. :-)
Another thing... do I have to have an a/c here in order to get verified as the OP?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Thanks for the followup (unconfirmed). Some of the new facts really change the picture. I had thought I understood the reason for your pain. Now I wonder if you are contemplating an affair with a man married to your friend.
This way lurks disaster, don't go there. Nothing good can come of it.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Hello I'm the OP here.First of all, thanks everyone for their comments. I really appreciate you took the time to give me these advices. I guess you guys are right, I should be honest to him about how I feel. However I actually wasn't 100% honest when I posted the question -- I used to have feelings for this guy, but I knew it wasn't going to work out as he already has a gf and I also have a bf myself... I believe his showing his "interest" in me lately has stirred up some old feelings in me. I'm a human, I can't help but to feel good because I thought I was special to him...... It's just that I will not be someone who will get between my friend and his gf, I just don't feel it's morally right.Maybe Ive taken it too seriously... more than I should have. I even feel guilty for having this feeling towards him because I have a bf. I know it's time to stop because I think he's definitely crossed the line and I think he's taking advantages on my feelings for him (although I've never told him I had feelings for him, maybe my allowing him to say these things to me already showed him and made him think "it's ok"). Like you said, Cerberus, I'm just afraid to lose this kinda special relationship with him that's why I never really "stopped" but I really should stop now. I'll try my very best to stop contacting him, at least after I have calmed down myself. And the reason why I said it hurts me is because I'm not sure if he even treats me like a good friend, or he just wants to have sex with me... it'd make me feel better if he actually has feelings for me than to just want to get me to bed... because I admit, I treat him well partly because I used to admire this guy, and it;s just a motivation for me to treat him better than just a close friend. BUT, I know I don't see him in a sexual way, like AT ALL, just pure feelings. However, Cerberus, you raised out several things which made me wonder... you said you were like that when you were young:1. What can you get from just "flirting" if you are not trying to these girls to bed? I mean have you even thought of having sex with these girls? Or did you find them attractive so you did that? No offense, I'm just curious :)2. Do all guys do that even if they have a relationship? Is it really common? Well they like you as a friend, they would try to flirt with you? As a guy, can this remain a friendship after all this flirting... ?3. Do they flirt with anyone who's "available"? I mean even if they are not attractive or they don't even have feelings for? And see how much they can get? 4. Does that mean they are not good guys (if they have someone they love)? Based on what i see, I think he treats his wife really well, and I know men can really separate love and sex, well some women too, but I can't.I asked these because I want to understand more about him and also my bf... thanks in advance!!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 April 2012):
Way back in mt teen years I had a situation like this. My friends girl friend was way to flirty / touchy with me. I felt compromised because of her actions. Like I was betraying my friend whenever she did something inappropriate. I'll never know if she was serious or just playing, I just know that I began to resent her presence all the time. Eventually they parted ways without me getting into trouble with my friend. I guess I was cowardly and never talked to either one of them about what I was feeling.
I guess I don't have any advice, just sympathy for you. Keep resisting his advances. Try not to be around him unless she is with him. Don't be afraid to say "no", or "stop that". If not out of respect for your girlfriend then at least out of respect for yourself.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): I posted before I read Honeypie's response, with all due respect to her please don't do that "change the subject" crap. You're just deflecting the issue that way and not tackling it.
You've been doing that and it has solved nothing has it? Deflecting the issue never resolves it, ever. Stop trying to avoid the necessary conversation and just talk to him. We guys aren't mind-readers OP we're not going to magically figure out on our own that we're crossing a line if you don't tell us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): "Of course I don't want to embarrass him by telling him what I feel because what if he's not then it would be quite awkward."
Why would it be awkward if it's innocent?
I've been very cosy with female friends in the past, to the point of constant sexual innuendo, very flirty and physically affectionate. I wasn't trying to bed them just having some fun. One of them started to think the same thing as you and said it to me and my response? Simple, I said it was fine and I'd tone back the affection and flirting because it was only for fun and I had no problem getting rid of that kind of thing because we were friends. OP why would it be awkward? Think about this for a second, if he is only having a bit of harmless fun then it willbe no problem forhim to stop, the only way it would be awkward or he'd have a bad reaction is if he is actually trying to make his move on you. Really that is the only way isn't it? Stop being so passive and next time he starts that stuff ask him why he's doing it? Tell him you're friends, you don't see him that way and you want to get rid of that kind of stuff from your friendship for those reasons and you also don't think his girlfriend would be too happy with it.
If his response is anything other than: "haha no problem, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression and made you feel uncomfortable", then he really is trying to make a move and I see no reason why you think you can continue a friendship with a guy who is interested in boning you and cheating on his girlfriend.
OP if he's as good a friend to you as you say he is then why are you afraid of talking to him about this? We all have boundaries of behaviour and a good friend will tell us when we have crossed their boundaries so we can ensure we don't do it again and can keep our friendship strong.
OP it really sounds to me like you're being far too timid and passive here. What makes this guy any more special than any of your other friends that you would just let him continue to treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Would you really just not say that kind of thing to your friends? Are you really that much of a pushover that you will allow people to cross your boundaries without questioning them or telling them to stop? If so then how do you expect to maintain healthy friendships or weed out the bad people in your life if you won't step up and tell people how you feel about things?
You need to nip this in the bud because while you may think doing nothing is the best way to keep this friend, the opposite will happen because if you don't tell him then he will never think anything is wrong and you'll grow ever more disillusioned with him.
If things get awkward then what kind of friend is that OP? I can tell my friends anything, I can tell them they're getting too flirty or cosy and they will stop, if they don't or feel offended then they can piss right off.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Decide what topics are off limits for you and if he starts on one of those change the subject.
Whether he is trying to "make" you be in a FWB or not, it is 100% up to you, there is that little but powerful word, NO.
Set your own limits with this guy and if he can't respect that, back away.
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