A
female
age
41-50,
*7
writes:Hoping someone can shed some light on the relationship situation i am in. I have been seeing this guy for 15mths now and although when the mood takes him he will say he loves me, i have never felt so unloved and insecure in my life. I am 35 and he is 47. He has met all my family apart from mum and dad because they are deceased. I have not met any of his family. He goes visiting them, not very much mind, and never asks me if i would like to meet them, i don't think they even know about me. He won't ever tell me his plans and then on the night before he will tell me he is going such a place and i have no say. He even stayed at his ex girlfriends house for 2 weeks when she went away as well as taking her to the airport. I found out 2 days before. Said he did it so she wouldnt have to pay train fare and that he wanted to spend some time with the cat! He still pays part the mortgage on the house and is showing no sign of wanting this arrangement to end. They were never married and they have no kids. He does what he wants and will come to my house 9ish at night. I never see him for long lengths of time, always a few hours here and there. He is always busy, he likes us to go places where we wont see his friends, says he dosen't want people knowing about his private life. I am starting to feel like his dirty little secret. On one occasion we did go out with his friends and it had to be the worse night i had. He didn't introduce me, then he spent half the night in a mood and even when i got to his house he was quite abrupt and said he didnt really want to go out. You know what the worst thing is knowing you love someone and they don't love you back, Its horrible. Oh and another thing, he always picks fault with the way i deal with my kids, because i don't run the house as a boot camp, he has told me i am weak. Even this morning i was ill. he still went off to do his own thing. Would really like to hear what you guys think. All this is staring to make me ill i am very low. Thanks
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (21 November 2010):
 I don't think the 'ex' is just that...I think it sounds like he has the personal freedom to do what he wants, with whom he wants and when he wants. You say he turns up late at your house and doesn't take you to meet his family or friends. The fact is that he doesn't feel that he has to as you let him do what he wants for the sake of the relationship. It is not his business to comment on your parenting skills as they are not his children. It doesn't sound like he wants to be step-father to them either. Depression can cloud anyone's awareness of what is happening around them. He doesn't want you talking to his mates in case they slip up and tell his secrets. He doesn't want you to meet his family in case they like you and encourage him to settle with you. He doesn't want you to be seen out with him in case the 'ex' finds out. He doesn't sound very nice to be honest. However, he can only behave badly if you let him. If you welcome him into your arms when he taps on the door at 9pm then you cannot expect his behaviour to improve. If you take care of all his needs without him feeling the need to take you out on a date and make you feel special then things won't improve. You can test this relationship by becoming a bit harder and conditional about his involvement in your life. Only meet him in public places and go on dates for a while. Refuse home visits from him an anti-social hours and tell him to keep his nose out of your parent skills. If he is not willing to do this, you have all the evidence that you need about the future of this relationship.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 I agree with Kirra as well, it sounds like a friends with benefits thing and he is using you. It's not normal to date for so long and not meet family or be hidden from friends. And to hang out wherever he wants last minute whenever he wants, he disrespects you and treats you like a doormat. Why are you still there?! You feel ill and bad about yourself because you are putting up with this. You realize what you are putting up with and hate yourself that you can't have more self esteem to leave this jack ass. Maybe you don't know you can do better. ANYONE can do better than this. NO ONE deserves to be treated like a doormat. He comes and goes as he pleases and couldn't care less about you. Someone will! I can't even express to you how happy you will feel if you kick his ass to the curb, how much better about yourself you will feel. There is nothing like realizing your potential and standing up for yourself. And as deakelja has said, think about your kids. They will grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and someone can treat them however they please. I can't even express how much my parent's relationship has affected me negatively. Find someone who actually gives a shit about you. Who would put you before himself, friends, ex girlfriend, family, work... And anything else he puts ahead of you. Get rid of him now and heal yourself. He's toxic to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Kirra07 has hit it on the head! Great advice!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 November 2010):
 When you are in a relationship with someone you should be proud enough to introduce them to family and friends. You should respect their time enough to plan events instead of doing everything on the spur of the moment.
When you are in a loving relationship your partner will not put you down or make you feel bad or make you question the relationship.
I think this guy is using you. To me, he is obviously not over his ex and still wants her in his life. You are not part of his life, at all.
Please stop being his beckon call girl and lose him. You mean nothing to him and for sure, you can do better than him. If you don't want to leave for yourself, leave for your kids. You are telling them it is ok for someone to treat you like this and believe me, their relationships in the future will suffer from what they have learned.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (21 November 2010):
To be honest, this doesn't strike me as a relationship, but more like a long term friends with benefits thing. He sees you when the mood strikes him, late at night. He doesn't introduce you to anyone in his life. And he doesn't involve you in his life or decisions, even after all this time. It just sounds like he's living his own life, and you're there for convenience or fun, some of the time.
Your relationship shouldn't make you ill and bad about yourself. Have a talk with him about what you 2 are, what you mean to him, and see if he realizes what he's doing. If things won't get better, get out before you feel even worse.
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