A
female
age
41-50,
*rokenangel28
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been in a relationship for nearly a year now, with a great guy--except for one problem: I feel as though my boyfriend hates my body. I am 3 years older than him, and we met at school, and he says that it was "love at first sight" when we met. Must have been "love at first sight- until your clothes come off." The first couple months that we were together, my bf made some really hurtful comments about my small breasts, and then he vaguely mentioned that he likes "thicker girls," to make me feel better after he had said something about my weight. It happened while my clothes were halfway off, and he immediately realized how hurt I was after he said it. I was so hurt that I didnt speak to him for a whole day, and we almost broke up bc of it. He apologized and said he doesnt know why he said it,but this kind of behavior didnt stop. Everytime we watched a movie or video with a large breasted woman, my bf would groan or say "mmmm", acting in a disrespectful way any time a woman was naked on screen. I became really insecure, and although he has gotten much better since he has been with me (I guess he has learned what not to say) even if he thinks it, I am still so insecure. Everytime my bf and I are intimate, he will not take my shirt off. He gets completely naked but leaves my clothes on. I have mentioned that he does this but he says its bc he thinks I dont want to, and not long ago he told me he wished I had a bigger butt! We were intimate one nite and I actually took my shirt off and he lost his erection! which only convinces me furthermore that he hates my body.Its like I can't please him! I have had ex boyfriends in the past who have asked me to get a boob job so I have always been insecure, but now it is like I cant even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted and I cant help but feel like he is too! I am a small girl, 5'3 130lbs and I may need to lose a few lbs but other than that I thought I was sexy. I guess not. How can I continue to be with a man that makes me feel this way, when he really doesnt mean to? He tells me he loves me and doesnt want to be with anyone else, but why do I feel like I am just a lesson for him on how to treat a woman? He is a very kind man, hes not a scum, he doesnt look at porn or treat me unkindly. Its just the things he said in the past haunt me every single day and I am starting to sereiously resent this man, even though I want to be with him and I love him too. Im just afraid that it will only get worse, as I get older, fatter, more wrinkly, etc. And just last week I asked him if he prefer a girl with no boobs and a flat stomach to a girl with big boobs and a bigger stomach, and he said he would prefer the small breasted boobs with a flat stomach! Which is it? Big boobs for him? small boobs? big butt? I cant tell anymore and its making me crazy! I dont want to get surgery, just so they can fill me with silicon and juviderm. Why should he get to enjoy my body after if he didnt enjoy it the way it is naturally? Please help! I am broken inside.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, noemislee  +, writes (13 September 2012):
Girl. He can love you, yes, love is one thing, attraction is completely different and both are NEEDED in a REAL relationship. Sex is a big deal. I am going to be brutally honest. If he was idk 80 kgs.. would you be turned on by that? think about that.-
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Well, as an outsider not aware of the whole situation and your relationship dynamic, it is difficult to tell you exactly why he is doing this.
Sometimes there are controlling men who act this way to lower a womans self-esteem and in effect, have her believe no one else would love her or treat her better.
However, assuming your opinion of him is fact and he is a kind and good man, than I would say he is most likely very insensitive. He probably doesn't know what he is doing, perhaps he has preferences on what he likes, however he is immature and not able to see past his own superficial ideals. He's insensitive and most likely doesn't know the full extent of the damage he is causing.
I recommend that you have him read your post here. Talk about it and let him know how it makes you feel. Perhaps even see counseling together or him on his own. Making comments like that and acting as he does is NOT normal.
On the other hand, perhaps you need to think about whether he really is what you say he is. He doesn't treat you 'unkindly', but does he treat you kindly?? What you just said is 'well he doesn't treat me bad, so he's a good boyfriend'. This tells me that perhaps your self-esteem has been lowered so much that your expectations and standards for treatment have fallen also.Can you say, "he treats me like a princess, nurtures me, makes me feel safe and loved and beautiful"??? Just because someone doesn't treat us horribly, doesn't mean they are good to us....think about this.
Overall, talk to him. Let him read this and make it clear how it is damaging your self-esteem and self-image. If he truly is a good guy with good intentions he will feel horrible and attempt to reverse the damage. It will take a while, but if he truly cares and loves you and thinks your wonderful and beautiful, he will do it.
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