A
female
age
30-35,
*umbledorf
writes:I'm in trouble I need help...my boyfriend and me had a girl as a friend but after I trusted her with everything..with the first bump (he thought I was cheating) this while I couldn't even handle any guy even relatives next to me..and she told him she would also not believe me and would get out of the relationship while she could. I almost lost him that day now 8 months later my trust broken with her not talking and him still being friends with her visiting her a whole day "because she have problems" or taking water for her before work(while he wouldn't even make me coffee in the morning)and wanting to go to her house and sleep over looking after her kids while she was "going to hersister) I decided to tell him I know I'm second best and I wouldn't ask him to choose between her friendship and me..while he was going on about how I always think he's cheating and blah blah I asked him one question: what would you do if I asked you to choose he said he would choose her without any doubt not even thinking twice...really need advice I want him in my life and truly love him I don't know what to think anymore he says I don't trust him but I know I just don't trust any gal around him but what the hell am I supposed to think. Now my heart is broken and I don't know where to turn to Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 You don't want to lose a man who shouts at you when you are hurt, refuses to help, puts her first and who says he loves you but his actions demonstrates otherwise?
Your self-esteem is so low, to the point that you feel physically ill when you think about this?
You have to seek some sort of therapy or counseling to deal with these feelings of worthlessness.
You deserve to be treated better than this. You just don't realize it yet. When you do, you'll be in a position to have a healthy stable relationship.
And I want to point out again that you say you trust him but this entire question shows that you do not. There is a term for this, when you hold two concepts that are opposite to each other in your head and they do not mesh well. It's called cognitive dissonance.
You cannot see clearly, you are too close and too emotional.
Please ask friends or family for support as you go to a counselor. This man does not have your best interests at heart, sorry. You will be making an investment in improving your future if you do so.
A
female
reader, dumbledorf +, writes (20 April 2013):
dumbledorf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell no I do trust him, I just don't trust her, and now that he chose her over me I really don't know how to react. I really don't want to lose him. Question is why would he go out with her and never asked me to go to a club? Yet he went with her to a club. I actually had a breakdown on that day when he went to her and stayed there a whole day, then going out with her to a club. When he did that it was last thing that truly broke my heart. Been feeling depressed all week not wanting to eat and even if I make myself to eat. I get a feeling of nausea, and bring it up my whole head keeps spinning and sitting without an answer.It makes it worse.He says he loves me with everything, but where is the proof? He would do anything for her but me??? Being second best is no fun at all Although he says I am first I know he'll always help her in every way that he can and me? I have asked him a lot of questions..asking if he truly loves me? He would always say yes...through all this actions how am I supposed to believe that he loves me he never wants to do anything for me anymore I have to ask him over and over and over to do something for me and still he wouldn't do something. I fell a few days ago hurting my back from falling on a iron. This was an accident, and was in front of him, he actually told me it was on purpose and shouted at me. I asked hin to put on something for my sore back he wouldn't even rub something in for me, but when she said she has problems that night..he wanted to go immidiately. The only reason he didn't is because I started crying and he could see it hurt me..Though he still did not rub the stuff in for my back so I shouldn't have even bought it because I cannot rub it in and the person "who loves me with his all" wouldn't even rub it in..He asked for a break now well I gave him that feel as though I don't want to see him in a while because he chose her (when I asked him ehat would happen if I asked you to choose her friendship or me)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2013):
You don't trust him. He doesn't trust you.
He would pick her over you.
You sound very desperate to keep him in your life but it all sounds very unhealthy and drama-laden.
I would turn to your other friends, let him go on and do whatever it is he does and get your life and your freedom back.
If you don't have other friends, then you need to get yourself back out and reconnect with other people! Your old friends and your family probably will be missing you if this is the case.
I think if you really think about it from a place of serenity and with your inner wise woman, you would know this isn't how a relationship is supposed to be.
Without trust, you have no chance for a longlasting healthy and happy relationship, okay?
Google about the grief process and that will help you go through the emotions you'll be facing in the near future. The good news is that the sooner you get rid of the man who does not trust you and whom you do not trust, the sooner you can start to heal and get on to find a real partner, not what you have, which is a suspect (in the criminal sense).
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