A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I slept with my ex...and it was great... I was actually thinking maybe breaking up was wrong after all, because we get on so great. But then, he started doing some 'old stuff' and I remembered why we broke up. Where's the balance? How can you tell when it's worth getting back together? How do you know whether to believe someone when they say they're willing to work at it, change etc when they still do the stuff that infuriates you? I want to believe he's changed but I really don't want to end up trapped again, as breaking up was soooo hard.It was hard because he wouldn't accept it was over. He didn't listen to me, he just ignored me and carried on as though we were still together. He would ring and ring and ring, text, follow me etc. Bring flowers, write letters. At first I found it scary, then I kind of got used to it. Then, bizarrely, I started looking forward to it. I never replied, but I kind of got addicted to all the attention. I got about 3-5 emails a day and they were mainly banal and repetitive. But still if he didn't write one day, I would crave the attention. He was always saying how beautiful I am to him, we are the perfect fit etc, and he can picturehow our children will be, how he loves me completely. Then, I saw him in town a couple of days ago and gave him a lift back to his house. He invited me in and made me a cup of tea. We were talking and laughing just like we used to, and then his hands were all over me. I haven't had sex since we broke up and we were always very compatible (sexually). So it ended up us having sex, falling asleep in each other's arms, waking up listening to the birds, having sex again, kissing.I'm worried that if my friend told me this story, I'd advise her to get the hell out ASAP. But the feelings contradict that. Not only that but he seems to think it's all on again, and I really don't know how I can explain to him that I wanted sex in that moment because I was turned on, but I don't want a renewed relationship.I don't even know what I do want anymore. I feel guilty for sleeping with him and guilty for not following through with a relationship. Now he's saying, 'you make love to me behind closed doors but you won't come out and be honest to everyone else about your feelings'. He's got a point. But I don't even know what my feelings are anymore. How can I get clarity please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): No offence taken. It's good. Thanks to both of you. If I was advising I'd say something similar. Just feel like I've been in a weird parallel universe these past months. Too embarassed to tell my friends I slept with him as they'd be horrified. Just wanted to hear sense from neutral outsiders. I know I've been wrong. I'm as perplexed as the next guy as to how I could end up sleeping with a guy I've told security at work ANDthe police about. I've been honest about the weird effect the attention had on me over the months. First fear, then anger, then indifference, then addiction. Weird. Thanks again. OP
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): "I want to believe he's changed"
So what? He hasn't changed regardless of what you want to believe or not. You know he hasn't changed, in fact he's a fucking obsessed stalker on top of being a guy you couldn't make it work with.
"I'd advise her to get the hell out ASAP. But the feelings contradict that"
Then you know what to do, OP. Well shit OP, I "feel" like having sex with that beautiful woman at the bus stop, doesn't mean I'm going to go against my better judgement and drag her down an alley.
OP forgive me, I'm going to be blunt to the point of being offensive but I don't mean it to be but he's a complete obsessed loser living in a dream world and you're a weak willed romanticist idiot who is leading him on because you like the attention.
He hasn't changed, you don't work well as a couple, you know deep down it's never going to work with him yet you're perfectly willing to use him and not let him move on because you like the "idea" of who you "hope" he can be and frankly you don't want to lose his attention.
OP when have feelings ever been enough to make a relationship a good one? When have feelings ever made two people who are shit together have anything other than a toxic shit relationship?
You need to follow your own advice here OP and get rid of him. Stop leading him on. You talk about him "not getting" it's over, of course he fucking doesn't, you're leading him on. Sleeping with him, staying in contact, keeping that door open when you know you can't be with him. Wake up OP, snap out of this fantasy and stop using this man based on a hope. you know what's going on here, why are you giving any credence to your emotions when you know full well this is not good?
How's that for clarity?
How's that for
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (20 April 2013):
 HI
Well obviously there is much unfinished business between you both, and the fact that your allowing him to keep in contact and then have sex with him say's it all.
An EX though is and EX for a reason, don't go back to the past look forward to a brighter future.
You know this already, the only way your going to do this is by completely shutting him out of your life. Change email addresses, phones numbers etc etc. I honestly don't know what possessed you to sleep with him knowing he is borderline stalking you?
If you crave attention get a hobbie, go to the gym, meet up with friends, find a NEW guy. At the end of the day you WILL regret everything as ALL the old stuff that bothered you WILL re surface and your right you will be TRAPPED , only the next time he might not be so nice about it!!!
Get away from him now before it's too late, and you feel (guilty into staying with him) Just tell him your truly very sorry if he has taken what happened that night out of context, you were feeling vunerable and wish it hadn't of happened. and although YES it was a great night it was not enough to want to make you go back into RELATIONSHIP with him as the past is the past and you both need to move on.
If he can't except this then it's his problem to deal with However your ARE part to blame for this as you slept with him and gave him false hope , which again is wrong and unfair on your EX especailly knowing how he feels about you. But you know this already i'm sure.
So unless you really DO want him back cut ALL ties with him, it will be kinder than to keep up the rest of whats been going on ( emails/texts etc etc)
Mandy x
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