A
female
age
30-35,
*nniedoll
writes:Sometimes, like now, i get very frustrated with my other half. We're very different people, i'm the more dramatic and reactive of the two and he is the overally passive, predictable one. There are parts of him that are absolutely beautiful, he's caring, patient and reliable and to be honest loves me unconditionally, accepting my slightly less attractive flaws.There is one thing that i'd really like to work on with him and i and i really don't know how to approach it in a way that i feel listened to and he doesn't feel pinned in a corner thinking he's got it all wrong. He says i don't listen, which fair enough, i'm really not very good at accepting my own screw ups without feeling an enourmous temptation to turn it around alas I'm willing to accept listening isn't one of my strong points. But to get to the point - sometimes i'll ask him if theres anything he wants to do, or if theres anything else he'd like me to try and do to make things easier on him. He'll reply in the same way every time "i don't know". So i'll make suggestions like, maybe that we could have a weekend out going abseiling again, or some adventure thing that we both might enjoy. He'll reply "ok". It's lovely that he's willing to support whatever i want to do, but i really want to embrace the side of life that he wants as well. He really enjoys swimming so from time to time i'll go and watch and try my best to support him. But when it comes to doing stuff for the both of us he literally doesn't say anything. We'll go food shopping together, he'll get everything he wants and forget that i'm staying and we'll need to cook for both of us. Where i'm the complete opposite i'll put us, before me. He'd be stressed or need me and i'd pop over. But 9/10 if it's the other way around he doesn't think to say "do you want me to come over?"...I think basically what i'm trying to say is that i'm beginning to resent the balance a little, i feel a little ignored and like i have to make the majority of the effort to keep us as we are, where as he is happy to sit back and do nothing. I don't really know how to address this with him, because i've tried talking it through and then a week later i'm back to feeling the same way. I'll be the one to plan things for us both, and rarely: once or twice he may make the effort. One i'd like him to be a little more open with me so i understood what he wanted us to do, and two i'd like him to take the reins a little so i didn't feel like i had to maintain everything so much. He says, as long as i'm happy he's happy - as lovely as that is in thought, in action it can be a little lazy. Am i being unfair to him? or should i try and broach the subject in a different way? Otherwise i literally don't have the slightest problem with the way he and i are. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): maybe you need to stop being so dramatic and broaching the subject. it's suffocating and irritating to have to keep talking about the same problems over and over again. If you don't listen well - as he has told you you don't listen well and you admitted it - then is it any surprise he won't bother to state what he really wants or to to do anything of his own accord? He's probably doing what works best for him, which is to do whatever causes the least drama for him. Just do nothing, say nothing, let you have your way because in the past if he tried to talk or maybe do something you wouldn't listen and you are "overly dramatic an reactive" which is very unpleasant for a passive person to be exposed to.
not knowing you personally, but I know couples that sound very similar to you two in terms of the personalities and that was what happened with them.
either that or maybe he's just not as into this relationship as you are. If so, maybe you should likewise cut back on your own emotional investment because you can't make someone WANT to be more involved. You can try to force them to be more involved but if it's not something they actively want it's not gonna play out well.
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