A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 19 years old and although you may read this and thinking I'm being stuck up and selfish it's not like that at all. Throughout most of my childhood I had low self esteem it got worse when I started my first year in high school I was bullied and suffered with depression. At the time people told me I was ugly(all people around my age) as I got older I stopped caring and just went along with it all (as long as I love myself why should I care?) Well in year 10 at the start of my GCSE's I met someone my age who I thought would avoid me like everyone else but he didn't and 4 years later I'm still with him and he's moved in, but this isn't my problem. In the last year or so older guys have been hitting on me I'm talking late 20's up to 50's but my bf is getting a bit fed up as he can't take me anywhere.He's never not trusted me and I have never given him reason not to but recently there is a guy at work who won't leave me alone, seeking me out, hugging me and paying me complements, now at my part time work he's fine as I'm a belly dancer and he expects it and I have explained its part of the job flirting and so forth which he is fine with as he knows the guy behind the bar and knows they would lay a hand on me.But my other job is at a school and this is bothering him as its not my job role to entertain them. He's a nice guy don't get me wrong so I don't want to cut him off as a friend as I no if that happens most of the staff will think I'm making it up as he has been there longer than me so they know him well. How can I tell him to keep his distance without seeming too harsh? He knows I have a bf but he is still interested :s also any ideas on why I seemed to be stalked by older men or has anyone else experienced this?Any ideas on how to go about it would be great, thanks
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at work, bullied, flirt, moved in, older men, self esteem, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (22 October 2012):
He's creepy! He doesn't even respect your personal space! I know how hard it is to be firm to guys, as I myself tend to be too nice. It's something I really needed to teach myself to do, because in the end being upfront and saying what's on your mind is nicer than keeping quiet and giving them the impression they have a chance. It's hard, but you can do it!
Plus this guy really does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. He's a douche: he knows fully well that he's making you feel uncomfortable. He's just counting on you being too weak to say no to him.
So whenever he catches you off guard and tries to bully you into staying with him, simply get up and say you have to go. If he tries to persuade you to stay with him, tell him: "I have a boyfriend, remember? I would really appreciate it if you'd respect that. If you can't, you don't respect me and that means you're not a good friend." Also use your body to get the point across. Keep a distance, don't let him get too close to you and when he touches you, remove his hand firmly. If necessary, add "don't touch me, please."
You have to make your actions match your words. You cannot let him waltz over your boundaries like that anymore. Be firm and consistent. If it gets bad, inform your friends so they can keep an eye on him too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks maverick494 your advise was helpful I'm not an overly confidante person out of my bellydance costume so end up being too nice to people and find it difficult to really express myself. I've got two weeks off now so I will practice what I'm going to say if he tries it on again, thanks again for the great advice. )As for the stalking (Modnote: Title was "ALMOST" like stalking, based of the behaviour as described) No he isn't stalking me. As for not believing me he seeks me out when I am alone and often I feel cornered especially on the last occasion when I was in an empty classroom which was dark other than a window where I was working no one knew I was in there and he appeared and sat in the gap between the desk and the wall so I couldn't get up and leave, at the moment I am hoping for a full time position so feel I don't want to make waves as it is a small school and everyone there is friends. I will try being formal with him and see if he gets the message. Thanks again for your answers.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 October 2012):
Let me clear this up for you: someone who keeps pursuing you even when he knows you have a boyfriend is NOT a friend. He is not interested in being friends, he's interested in sex. He doesn't respect you and for him to respect your wishes he needs to be told firmly, not subtly. Guys like him won't back off unless you are clear, direct and firm with them.
Next time this guy tries to give you a hug out of nowhere or tries something else you think crosses the friendship line, tell him: "[his name] you are aware I have a boyfriend, right? Because I am getting the impression you are ignoring that fact. To settle this once and for all: I like you as a friend, but I'm not interested in getting romantically involved with you. If you feel the same we can stay friends, but you have to stop hugging me and chasing me. I'm not going to be that girl for you."
Saying it like this is not harsh. It'll actually do him good because he now knows exactly where he stands with you. Then he can decide if he can set aside his romantic feelings for you or end the friendship. Don't feel bad if the latter happens: it means it never really was a friendship, just a guy using the friendship tag to get into your pants.
Be firm, OP. And stay firm. Even if you've told him this he may still try to pursue you. You'll have to cut him off then and be firm about it. Trust me, it's no loss.
As for the older guys hitting on you, happens to me all the time. When you near your twenties you start being fair game to them. You're legal so you can be hit on. They try because they have nothing to lose. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? You'll ignore them or cut them off. They can deal with that because the positive outcome (you returning their avances and them sleeping with you) far outweighs the negative. Don't be alarmed by this. Just stand firm and shut them down when they get too close.
"I'm sorry, I'm not interested. I have a boyfriend." will do. If they persist after that you don't even have to be nice because it proves they don't care about your wishes.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 If I am honest with you I think you are using the word stalked here when you should not be. If you where getting stalked that would mean that a man would be following you around, watching your house, harassing you over the phone and never leaving you alone. It sounds here like men are just trying your luck with you which is quite normal. A man is going to try his luck with a girl and all you need to do is smile be polite and say no thanks I have a boyfriend.
As for this guy at work you say none of the staff will believe you as he has been there longer. But what exactly do you think they will not believe? You say he flirts and hugs you, it is hardly a crime is it? Maybe he is just over friendly. Maybe because your self esteem was so low that now when someone shows you a little bit of attention you take it out of proportion as you where never used to this. If any of this guy at works behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable then just be up front and straight with him. Tell him what you are comfortable with and what you are not.
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