A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive always had issues with my sexuality - I can remeber having crushes on girls since the age of 9, and then developing feeling for boys later on when i was about 12. I've always fancied boys and girls since then and went all the way through high school being bullied because of it. Towards the end of high school I started to come to terms with my sexuality and admitted to myself I was bisexual. I've had relationships with both males and females. I am comfortable with my sexuality and have got past the point where I thoguht it was somrthing to be ashamed off. Neither of my parents have a problem with it and have treated my ex boyfriends and girlfriends in the same way. But I've always felt that "bisexuality" wasn't quite it though - I've probably felt there was "something else" there from about the age of 14, though have never been able to put my finger on it. I'm very girly and feminine on the outside. I have a very womanly figure, but since about 14 I've had these feelings inside where I feel like I am a boy. I want to dress like a boy and act like a boy. I don't want a sex change, so I know I'm not transgender. But I've been doing a lot of thinking about it all lately, exploring my sexuality in different ways, and have realised I feel sexier, comfier and more confident as a boy. When I cut my hair short I feel better - right now I've got it very short, almost like agnyss deyn. When I dress in masculine clothes I feel sexier. And whats worse, I develop feelings for gay men. This is just going to sound so bizarre - trust me I've thought about it so much, I know how strange it all sounds. But I think I am a gay man in a womans body. Who do I talk to about this? Is there therapy for people like me? I'm not transgender but I defo think I ma developing issues with my gender. Thing is, nobody would ever suspect it if they saw me and I feel that because of this I cant talk about it to my friends. I'm the "girly girl" of the group. Please help. I'm 19, almost 20 by the way.
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female
reader, aalbritton09  +, writes (25 November 2010):
Well, I have had that same problem for awhile now. I am attracted to women, very masculine, and have also been with several men. I dont know if you feel the same as me but after deep thought and effort to understand myself, I think that this need to be intimate with a gay man is to help assure me of my masculinity, to validate my masculinity. Also, I think that we base our sexual exploitations off of the sexual content we experienced in our younger years. I know I found a stash of gay porn when I was around 10 and that was my first exposure to sexual content. So, if you just try to break down your life and your sexual needs and experiences you can deal with this. Counseling is always a good option because urges can be confusing...one thing that helped me alot was recognizing that I am a female, I have female tendencies but I also have a very masculine side. I am the best of both worlds, if you are comfortable with yourself dont try to pick sides or define yourself to critically, just enjoy who you are and respect the signs your body and mind gives you.
A
female
reader, EK_121 +, writes (5 February 2010):
Really!!!??? God I was starting to think I was the only one that felt that way. but I try to hide it because I'm really shy and don't want any one to judge me on this. And I in way that I might be bisexual.
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A
female
reader, Jack-Lilac458 +, writes (14 October 2009):
There's this one gender identity called genderqueer. It's when you feel you're both mentally male and female or completely outside the gender spectrum.
This might include you- you can look up genderqueers on wikipedia or youtube (there are many on there, trust me).
You're not the only one out there, so don't feel alone! :) I'm 15 years old and I'm going through the same thing. In fact, I shaved my head!
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): Very interesting post. Although I am, in theory, your archetypal straight man, I refuse be bound by a single label. Gay, straight, bisexual -- these are crude words that are designed to box us into categories none of us truly fit into.A yoga teacher once told me not to make the mistake of assuming we only have the one body. There are other bodies besides the purely physical. Perhaps we have energy bodies that are highly sexualised, and not the same gender as our physical bodies. That could be worth exploring on your own.Have fun!
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A
female
reader, 1210donna  +, writes (30 June 2009):
I wrote of the same in one of my books, Everyday Heaven. I had 3 selves by age 4, one neuter (from birth), one male (from age 2) , one female (from age 4). As an adult I slept with men without interest, had an asexual phase then had a strong sexual interest in a man, then lived with a woman for 3.5 years and enjoyed my sexuality as a lesbian, then married a man for the past 10 years who I adore. The women I've been attracted to have all been androgenous/punky, not too masculine (that makes me feel too feminine) and certainly haven't been attracted to very feminine women. I feel I most strongly identify with gay men and, like you wrote felt pretty confused about being female. I prefer my hair short and tend to prefer the punky Cindy Lauper style so I prefer to be relatively androgenous. I feel a bit imposterish when dressed very fem, as if I'm in 'drag' (which is nuts and fem suits me outside, just inside feels ODD). Sometimes I feel I love as a woman, but often I feel I love as a gay man. I think it doesn't matter what is going on in my gender identity or brain compartments as long as I can love and be loved. My husband loves me as I am, whoever that is.
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A
female
reader, Miquel +, writes (15 November 2008):
Hi, I am 29. Female and you may as well have been describing myself in your writing. I can really relate to what you have said here. I like yourself, was 9 when I first realised that I had sexual feelings for other girls. 14 when I started experimenting with girls and have always played around with boys. I am highly attracted to women and often feel like a man when I fantasise about women. This also leads me to fantasising about being in man/man relationship. I also used to dress up as a guy and have drawn mustaches on my face and definatly explore gender roles. I think of myself as male the majority of the time and have to think very clearly about being female in order to fit in with society. I wear makeup at work and attempt to always walk with the luscious sway of the hips that women naturally enjoy. I have considered having a sex change in my earlier years. Now days, I thoroughly enjoy and celebrate my femaleness and femininity. It remains challenging to think of myself as female but I try to celebrate the qualities that my internal maleness brings me. I am good at sports, can skip powerboats out of the water on turns with control, surf fairly large waves, attack projects such as building a house and operating and maintenance of farm machinery. If I could offer you one thing it would be, in all life "things are neither bad nor good... it is our thinking about them which makes it so." This helps me immensely as I fit comfortably into my beautiful womanly body and enjoy the balance of masculine and female persona which coincide in my mind. I suggest you explore your maleness to the full.... another person has suggested sex toys. If you can find a sexual partner which is open to you exploring all parts of yourself then you may feel a greater sense of peace. Acknowledging that you are made internally and externally in just the way that was meant. Intergrate and excel my friend. You are clearly a step ahead of the majority of humanity.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (14 May 2008):
 And I forgot to mention...
Many "straight" men have fantasies about lesbians. It's different, certainly, but it's not THAT different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Well, sometimes I feel like that too...but usually I'm quite girly.
Really I just figure it's because of my wanting to feel like the dominant one in my female-female relationships.
Why don't you try to find some transsexuals, and talk to them about it?
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (14 May 2008):
I don't think you are so unusual, although I can fully understand why it might be confusing. You sound as though you are coping with it remarkably well.
Look, there are lots of people whose gender isn't defined by the sexual characteristics of their bodies. More complex still, there are lots of people who are primarily heterosexual but who prefer their sexual activity to treat them, in part at least, as though they were of the other sex. Hum, that sounds complicated, but actually it's not - many people don't even think twice about why, for example, some (many?) men prefer the woman to take charge and be on top, and once you get into the various artificial appendages and sex toys etc etc - I think, from what you wrote, you may know exactly where I am coming from on this one and may well have imagined it. I just want to assure you that it's not abnormal even if it's not quite usual.
Very few people have absolutes of male or female characteristics, likes and dislikes. Yours sound to be more mixed than most, and perhaps more varied than most. It may be that you are lucky to be able to feel like that and to experience desires that most of us would have trouble imagining.
I think you ought to focus on two thoughts:
First, it may not matter what physical sex your eventual partner is. What does matter, is finding someone you can love and someone that loves you, whatever the sexuality.
Second, and a little more complex, if, as I suspect, your sexual desires are fairly strong and that sex is going to be an important part of any relationship, try to clarify in your mind what exactly it is you want to DO. Once that becomes clearer, then it all becomes much easier and all you have to do is to find a loving partner with matching desires to do it with. And, quite definitely, he or she is out there somewhere.
Most important of all, don't try to be something that you are not and don't try to change what you feel. Clarify your thoughts, don't deny them (which it certainly doesn't sound as though you're doing). Go with it and make the most of it. Physical relationships are wonderful once you find the right person. Go find that person.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I think it might be more about how you are feeling loved. Not getting much from family, can make you wonder where it will come from. Does this sound possible? If you seek within yourself, asking questions like "why do I feel this way; where is it coming from?", you might be able to answer your own questions. It takes time. Reading on the subject, and then pausing, especially if you feel any anxiety from what you have read, will expose feelings eventually, then you need to ask why you feel that way, and determine where the root of it lays.
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