A
female
age
36-40,
*edlight
writes:I have been with my husband for 6 years now, since we were 16. We have always has a good relationship but we have some major issues. I love him so much and will never give up on him. He has anger issues and trust issues. I admit that I did do something to lose his trust 6 years ago when we barely got together. It was totally high school and in my opinion it is not a big deal, but to him it is. I simply talked to my ex bf on the phone and did not tell my husband about it, again this was 6 years ago. I don’t know if he thinks something more happened, but he won’t get over it. He doubts and questions me a lot for random things. If I am a few minutes late from work, if I am having an off day and not being myself. That is his first question if he ever has a concern about me, not "are you ok babe?" instead it is “are you seeing someone else?" Anyway, he treats me kind of ugly, calls me names, and puts me down, very emotionally abusive and controlling. I honestly don’t know myself and I live my life for him and most importantly my son. The past 2 months or so have been rocky for us, we are hot or cold. I do admit I do not have a sex drive like he does so he is lacking in that department. I try I really do, I tell myself I need to go and love on him and mainly he wants a bj so I do that a lot. He usually asks for it before I can initiate it which is annoying and I find myself not wanting to do that. This issue probably has room to be in another posting but I just don’t have that drive, I am not horny all the time like he is. I do enjoy sex and I do want it, but not as often as he does. I would be completely satisfied with once a day, but he wants a bj and sex each day and I work, come home and cook and clean and sit down about 9pm each night. He does not work and sleeps all day long so he has a lot more energy than I do. He demands sex from me, not in the way where he actually says "give it to me or else" but he asks for it constantly all day long and if I don’t give it to him he is mad, he wont sleep with me and he wont talk to me for days. Anyway I got tired of that, being expected to have sex with him with no emotion, no foreplay, he does nothing to turn me on. He also had been saying for a few months when we fight "just tell me to leave, I don’t want to be with you anymore" I blew it off a lot, he said it A LOT But I told myself he does want me and he is just trying to hurt me so I never did anything about that. It hurt me very badly deep down inside even though I try to act normal, I am not. I am very messed up in my head. So after so many times he said it I told myself, "if he says that one more time I will tell him to leave like he is asking" So last Friday he said it again, so I said leave and he did. His truck is not working well and our son had a soccer game the next morning so I offered to pick him up, he never responded to my text. At the game he helps coach so he was in the gym and I was watching the game and I would catch him staring at me, he asked me to go to breakfast with him and I did. WE started to bicker again and so I left and spent the day with my son, it was Halloween and my husbands little sister had something at school so I took her and my son there and he was there too. Of course we spent time together there and he came home to talk with me afterwards. He ended up telling me he loves me, he doesn’t want to NOT be with me and wants to come home and that he would stop saying things that make me think he doesn’t want me any more. I let him in, we had sex a few times and my life was back together. This is how I want it to be, not when he is mean and ugly to me. We had a nice rest of the weekend and even into the week it was great but last night it all started over again. I wanted to give him a BJ as I am on my monthly. We lay down and were kissing and I had lip gloss on, he doesn’t like it on his lips and was complaining about it for a good 3 minutes. I mean he stopped kissing me sat up started wiping his mouth off and was just being annoying about some damn lip gloss. So I kind of lost my mood, it just was annoying to me. So I asked him to lay down with me and kiss me and touch me by the way I wiped the damn lip gloss of by this point. When I asked him to lay back down with me and kiss me again he got all pissed and yelled at me. Saying that I just need to give him head, that he already kissed me enough. I told him I just want a few more minutes to get in the mood fully again and honestly I just want him to touch me and kiss me. I have told him this before, he thinks he does enough. I am being honest with him when I tell him to please come and kiss me and touch me and turn me on and yes I will give him what he wants. He seems to just want to be given a bj and for me to just be turned on by his penis. Yes! I love his penis and he satisfies me but I need to be turned on! Especially with how emotional everything has been for me lately. I feel like he is just kind of ignoring my feelings, he doesn’t want to know what I want, but he tells me what he wants. And I do tell him what I want; he just doesn’t always do it. Ok so he got mad that I wanted more kissing and touching and didn’t just go down on him like he wanted. After I realized he was getting upset, and biting my tongue, I tried to go down on him. He didn’t let me, saying he doesn’t want it, saying that the night before was the worst head of his life. He went on to say his sex life sucks and he doesn’t want to be with me, just tell him to leave again. So once again my life came falling down and I cried. He left the bed, by now it was 2am and I don’t feel like I should have to go beg him or anything anymore. I stayed in bed and Junior had woken up and came to bed with me. I have never had issues with sleeping, so I went to sleep and he took a shower. I woke up several times during the night and the TV was on until about the time I woke up, he slept on the couch or laid on the couch watching TV until 6am. He got in the shower before I left for work and we haven’t talked since. Please people tell me if I should be doing something different? Am I not being a good wife? I try to please him sexually its just I want some things too. Am I doing too much, is he being mean? I feel like if I don’t give him what he wants sexually, he wont treat me right. So I have to give it to him in order to have peace in my life. I am getting really tired of that and feel like giving up on our relationship. But I am hopelessly devoted to him, I give him way too much and he doesn’t return. He has hit me in the past, he has told me I am not good enough and that he is going to find someone better than me. He has called me names such as piece of shit, trash, pathetic. He says sorry for that but his actions make me feel like trash. I feel worthless to him unless I give him some good sex. Is this wrong? What should I do? Just last week we were at the same point and actually the week before that too. He has left 2 times in the last 2 weeks. Each time comes back saying he won’t do things like this again. I feel like I am being mistreated... am I? I feel like I am his woman not my own woman. He is beating me down; he knows this I have told him. He just doesn’t seem to want to change. I need help.
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emotionally abusive, foreplay, horny, in the mood, kissing, my ex, puts me down, sex drive, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Please. I beg you to kick him out ASAP. He is abusive, and one day, he'll probably hurt you like no other times. If you don't want that day to come. Please leave him for good!
Junior will understand when he grows up. Don't worry about him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Don't break up with him although he is wrong. I believe that he truly loves you but he can't show it in his heart. The best method is not divorce because it will worsen the situation but write a message of your confession and leave it on the table and go to your mother house and after a few hours just come back into the house. In usual cases your husband will read the message crying in guilt
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Good luck to you redlight, as damning as I sounded in my other posts, there is a way out of this. Go for that counseling, go to therapy if needs be. If he won't go too then you don't need to take him. You don't need his permission to do this either.
Take small steps and create small victories. Take back control bit by bit. What you want to do is well intentioned even if it doesn't work out the way you hoped you will get pride in the fact you tried.
Most of all don't give up. You don't and shouldn't have to live this way and the only one who can can change this is you. Have no doubt in your mind that you can do this. There is nothing in life we can't overcome, nothing.
You have the motivation now all you need to do is find out how. Best of luck in the future redlight I hope this works out for you. I truly do.
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female
reader, redlight +, writes (5 November 2010):
redlight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right Cerberus I have read it and printed it out and went through what has happened to me. The pages were covered in my pink highlighter. I know he is like this and you are right I have hope that he will someday change. I am hopelessly devoted to him unfortunately. I think that is why I need counseling for myself. I have been with him since I was a 16 year old kid; I have grown up literally being treated this way. I know it is wrong; I need help becoming a stronger woman. I hope I can do that one day and he'll either notice he is loosing me and he will change or we will end it forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Your update made me pretty angry, you came to this site looking for help and advice yet you completely ignore what everybody is telling you! You have been in this situation for so long and are so far in denial that, to be honest, i think you're beyond helping.HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! Is that clear enough for you?Yes, your son may be a little upset if you two were to break up but that's NOTHING compared to the emotional damage you'll do if you stay.You need to grow up and stand up for yourself. Stop asking "is this ok?" "can i do this or that?" YOU DO NOT NEED PERMISSION from us readers or your husband, you are an adult.To be honest i don't think we are going to get through to you till it's too late but just remember we all tried to help you and if you continue to live with your head in the clouds be prepared to have a son just like your husband.I'm not attacking you, but you really need to wake up.You've even tried marriage counciling, is he interested? NO! This guy is a piece of s**t i'm sorry but he is and he will ruin you and your sons childhood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Read it http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Seriously read it. You're a grown woman, you know what those threats of him leaving forever are, it's called emotional blackmail and he only does it because it works.
You're a love fool. Not a fool but you're giving up ever being happy in the vain hope he'll change, well he won't because he doesn't have to, when you want him to leave he threatens forever and you give in. When he wants sex you give in. You have absolutely no control in this at all because anything he wants you will eventually give him.
I hope someday you find a way to do what's best but I don't think you will. You're going to have a very tough long hard road ahead of you because it's clear you're living a fantasy, you truly believe and want to honestly think that he's the nice guy that he is sometimes but that's just the mean sweet cycle and it doesn't end.
Good luck, it only gets worse. You're going to have a long hard life and your son is going to witness it all.
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A
female
reader, redlight +, writes (5 November 2010):
redlight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone! Thanks you all for reading and sharing your advice I appreciate it very much. So we did not talk all day long until last night we had our son’s soccer practice. He was trying to be normal but mainly he was just being quiet, he never asked me anything when I had text him earlier that day. I text him "what happened last night?" he never responded. He got something that he has wanted to buy last night and was obsessed with it all night long. We went for a smoke outside and he tried to grab me and hug me and I resisted. I pulled myself away from him, told him I don’t want to hug him. I walked away to fold laundry and he didn’t do anything he went on with his new thingy. Didn't pay attention to me so at about 11 I went on to bed. Still haven’t talked. He just seems like he doesn’t really care. He never asks me, talks to me about ME, he was only happy last night because of what he bought. I just really feel neglected, unloved, and invisible to him or by him.
I was also thinking back to when we "made up" this weekend. I told him that I did not believe what he was saying when he told me he wants to not be so mean blah blah blah. This is exactly why I do not believe him; he wants to be good with me when it is convenient for him. I really think that I should ask him to go stay with his parents for a while. Because I am starting to hate him, but I feel like I am abandoning him. Like I am throwing him out on the streets, last time he told me that he isn’t going to his parents he is going to Mexico. We live very close and you all probably know how it is over there. He would probably be killed over there who knows. So of course I went into panic because he does crazy things and I believed that he would. This was all through text while I was at work. I freak out and call him and he just crying doing his usual BS but he did say that he wont go over there he will go to his parents. He is making me feel guilty, trying to get a rise out of me or something. What is the point of that? Do I have to prove to him that I love him?
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. If things continue like this I want out. I need to see a major change in him, I really want to ask him to leave for a while but he always says if he leaves he is gone forever. I know he has always come back but I want a little while like a week or two. I’m afraid if I were to do that he would not want me back; he would just say it’s over instead of trying to fix things with me. That is just how he is, he has told me if we ever do actually take a break like that, what I want, it would be over and he would never look back. He has never tried for me and he doesn’t want to. I feel like I forced him into this relationship, like I have said he has always said that he wants to breakup, and I would beg him to stay with me like an idiot. I feel like I just don’t have a say or my feelings aren’t considered, I am lucky when he is happy because I am allowed to be happy. So sad. But I can’t bring myself to end it.
I really want to go to counseling for marriage as a couple if he would actually go, and even for myself. Is that ok to go by myself? He always criticizes me about counseling because I had a rough childhood and so I spent a lot of time in counseling even when I met him. He just says I'm troubled, drama, and a pathetic loser when we talk about this. I feel like I need help for what I am going through and to build my self confidence up and he need counseling for anger, bipolar, delusional, just in general, I think he has a mental issue.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some good times we have had together and I look forward to a future with him. He is funny, strong, good looking, sweet at times and he is the best father! I love him so much, I can’t really say why except that I always have. He is just what I want when he is being a nice person not this monster I have seen lately. I just want to have a normal, drama free, peaceful, calm life. I feel like if I were to end it, Jr will be ok eventually, but he will be upset at first. I won’t get to move around the way that I have always wanted. I don’t know a lot of things would change and I grew up like that, I don’t want to keep on living like that, in a broken family. He has always said I am destined to be alone, just like my mother. That’s very mean, I feel like I could be a good wife and partner, I am just not good enough for him.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 No offense, but why are you still with this utter douchebag?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Unfortunately a lot of what you are saying reads like exactly what has happened to me.I don't know how to get out of it, or if I should. I don't want our child to be without a father. I don't want to be alone. I am also hopelessly devoted and also do everything I can to keep him/make him happy, and it also might work for a day or so (or even a few days in the case of some really big effort like buying something he wants) (until he decides it isn't as good as he thought it was going to be) ... and then it all goes bad again.He also does things like not talking to me, calling me all sorts of names, threatening not to sleep with me, etc. Also does that thing of if one doesn't immediately and with zero foreplay show total desire, then he gets cross and turns over and won't let you touch him. etc etc. I think we know what we are talking about here. And there is a lot more, and worse.But your story and mine aren't the only ones I have heard. What is really weird is that the behaviour of the man seems to be the same - almost identical - even identical habits and phrases. So that means it must be some kind of syndrome. We (you, me, other women, I guess) try to behave and react normally, but normal behaviour doesn't get the desired effect. These men don't respond normally. If they did, they wouldn't do what they do.And then we are locked into loving someone who is in the centre of our family, who our children also love and need, and yet who make our lives very difficult.So, it isn't your fault. You are being more than nice to him. He is the wrong one. But you love him and want everything to be nice and ok. I'm afraid to say that I think it's pretty much always going to be like this with him, because, as you know, everything will be ok for a few days, or even a week or so, and then it will all start again. I cry every time it starts again. It gets me down so much. It exhausts me.So now I am trying to just ignore it, and find pleasure and love elsewhere in my life, with my children, and through exercise and fitness. I am trying to ignore him and not rise to the bait. I know it is either that, or change our lives hugely, which I also don't want to do.You might be able to leave, but I also don't think there is even that sort of closure - because you will miss him, and your son will, but also he won't leave you alone. I don't really think there is a way out. I think there is only finding a way to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Two questions for you redlight:
1. Do you want this to change?
2. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is how women should be treated?
1. The answer is obviously yes, then the only thing that will change this situation is a divorce. THE ONLY THING. He will never change. NEVER.
2. Who is more important to you, your son or your husband? Is your love for your husband worth bringing up your son in a loveless abusive relationship? Watching his God (mother) being abused and mistreated. You're normalizing this for him, he will see this as okay. Do you really want him to grow up to be like his dad? Or are you going to teach him the meaning of respect, dignity, pride and self worth.
Are you going to let your son think it's okay to be used and abused like that for love?
Most importantly though OP are you going to raise him, with his mom being a strong independent woman or as a downtrodden sex slave?
You're unable to do what's right for you, because you'd rather put up with the pain than leave this abuser. Your son doesn't have a choice in the matter and he's suffering too (believe me I was that son, you cannot shield him from this), but if he did what do you think he'd want for you? Imagine your son in 18 years, imagine what he'll be like, imagine your son at that age standing in front of you now. What would he say to you? What would he want for his mother?
Imagine your son again at this age, now imagine what kind of man he will be if you're still with his father at that age, do you think he'll respect you when all he sees is a pushover? Do you think he'll be a happy man, after another 18 years of watching you go through this hell?
Now imagine your son at this age, after you leaving your husband in the next few months. After you rebuilding your life, perhaps finding a new respectful man. Imagine the man he will become with a strong, happy mother in a truly loving relationship?
At the moment your son doesn't have anyone in his life to show him this behaviour is wrong, because you keep going back to it, you keep letting happen. Screw hope redlight, hope never got anything done. Time to get real here and properly assess the kind of life you want for you and your son because if I'm honest with you this is not the life you or your son deserve to have but only you can change that he can't, how long are you going torment that kid with this crap?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): 'tell me if I should be doing something different?'
I am sorry if this sounds mean, but where is your self respect? Why are you staying with this loser? He clearly doesn't appreciate you! Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life? You have to take care of yourself !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): You need to break up with this man, he sounds very manipulative. He is not only emotionaly abusive but physicaly, do you really want your child to grow up seeing that?
Trust me he won't change, you've already said he told you he'd change time and time again and hasn't. You will never be happy with this man and you will ruin your sons childhood, if you won't leave him for your own sake do it for your sons.
Your son will grow up to be emtionaly damaged and you will have a lot of guilt about that because you had a chance to leave him and didn't take it.
You obviously love this man, although i'm not sure why as he sounds like a cruel bastard. Why are you letting him treat you so badly? Is your confidence that low that you can't see what an asshole this guy is?
If you have to even ask if you're being mistreated then this guy has really brain washed you because no woman in her right mind would put up with this crap for 1 second.
Are there any friends or family you could stay with?
You need to leave and never ever give him another chance. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!
Think about it, you have not always had a good relationship.
You think this is a good relationship?
1: verbal abuse
2: Mental abuse
3: Physical abuse
You need to wake up and realise that what you're in is not healthy and maybe you can't see that because you're not an outsider but i want you to re-read your post and imagine that is your child writing that in a few years time.
What advice would you give them? Would you agree that that was a healthy relationship? Do you want your son or daughter to grow up to be in the same situation? It will happen, trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): This is your husband http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
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