A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Lately I'm afraid that I will never be ready for sex. I am 17 going on 18. My guy has never pressured me and always lets me set the pace of whatever we're doing, but I know he wants to have sex. So do I - I'm very attracted to him and he turns me on - but at the same time, I don't know why I'm so scared of it. A few days ago we were talking online and he talked me explicitly through oral sex (we have never gone that far in real life before); I was turned on at the time and liked it, but afterwards I regretted letting him do it, and I don't know why. When he wanted me to talk dirty back to him, it was like someone flipped a switch in my mind, I had to stop because it was too much all of a sudden and I got scared. Furthermore, the thought of doing sexual stuff makes me feel like a slut, which makes no sense because I am a virgin and we are committed to each other. I don't think I have a good reason for all this fear, he loves me and won't make me do anything I don't want to. Is it weird that sex makes me so nervous? Will I ever be ready? :/
View related questions:
oral sex, ready for sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (23 July 2010):
"SamanthaX" gave some good advice.
There are mental and emotional aspects of sex, as well as the physical aspects of being attracted and turned-on. Your heart and your mind are telling you they aren't quite as ready as your body. Listen to them and consider what they have to say. As one of those old philosopher guys supposedly said, "Know yourself.".
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Don't worry about it. A lot of people do feel the way you do about sex - it has to do with your upbringing, I guess. Now all the expert views in the world can tell you that there is nothing wrong with consensual sex at your age, but unless your mind accepts it, it's not the right time.
There are no rights and wrongs- these are your personal choices and your BF seems able to handle your choices. You will know when you're ready. Don't pressure yourself to think that you should service your boyfriend. If he continues to be understanding about it, with any luck, you'll wake up one day knowing 'this is the day I leave the guilt behind'.
Enjoy your first time.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 July 2010):
 This is normal for many girls raised in supportive, traditional families. If anything, it's a sign that you have a lot of self control, which is probably conflicting with pop culture mesages about sex.
If your own virtue is this important, you may want to go ahead and commit to waiting until marriage. Your boyfriend will still want sex (he's only human), but he'll understand. If he doesn't, then you're better off anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Maybe you were brought up in a family that was not very open about sex, or you were not very educated, which could be why you feel dirty about it. And you really shouldn't. Lack of sex is actually bad for your health! You haven't mentioned any worries about pain etc from first time sex. It's good that you are moving slowly and that your guy isn't pressurising you. However, as long as you are educated in safe sex, and are in a committed relationship, then you should be able to really enjoy sex. It doesn't have to be dirty or make you feel like a slut, it can be very loving. Try it really basically first - lots of foreplay in bed, let him take you when you're all alone and go slowly, see how you like it. It doesn't have to be rampant like in the movies, it can be very slow and passionate with lots of eye contact. Once you've done it like this a few times and grown to like it, you will probably feel more experimental.
If you lose your virginity to the boyfriend you are with now, by the sound of things, you'll probably feel very close, very fulfilled, very happy, and very lucky. And don't forget to snuggle up afterwards - the after sex cuddle can be as lovely as the sex =]
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I don't think it is weird at all. I felt exactly the same way when I was 17. The thought of anything sexual scared me. Although I was interested in it, and curious as to what it was all about and what it would feel like, it still made me very nervous. For whatever reason, I just was not ready.
I think sometimes we can think that since we have reached a certain age, we should therefore be ready for sex. But the truth is that we are all ready at different times, and that is okay. That fear did leave me eventually, so there is a good chance it will leave you too.
No matter how nice your boyfriend may be about all of this, if you do not feel ready, don't feel pressured to do anything. And try not to put pressure on yourself either. I know when I used to pressure myself into letting things happen, it made me feel upset and bad after. So maybe you could just put it all to one side for now, until you are confident that you feel more ready. And even then, take things one step at a time.
I guess you might also feel pressured to give your boyfriend something that he wants, but again, I think he needs to try and understand how you feel, and be patient enough to wait. But when I say wait, I don't mean for him to ask every day if you are ready now! Maybe you could explain to him that you'll let him know when you feel ready for the next steps, but right now you would rather not participate in anything sexual. I hope this helps. x
...............................
|
