A
female
age
30-35,
*.me
writes:hi, well i'm in this great mess. THe thing is I tend to fight and argue a lot with my family, so most of the time I'M angry with them and my dad used to allways talk shit and say really mean yhings about my boyfriend. SO yeah i ended up saying and expressing everything to my boyfriend (he's like my best friend). Well my boyfriend got upset about it, and he started to dislike my dad and so on. (but everything was in conversations)So the main problem is that my parents read my conversations on my phone, and so the big bang started. THey were really angry, and told me to move out, and my dad now hates my boyfriend to death because he read that my boyfriend wrote something saying: "your dad is mentally retarded"i really dont know what to do, i'm so depressed about it, because they treat me like the worst traitor, and it hurts that their will be no longer a good relashionship with my family and boyfriend. is it really my fault? i only was expressing myself and you know when your angry and say a bunch of things you dont mean? well that's basically me. I say bad things when i'm mad (but i dont really mean it)
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Yeah, you did make a pretty big mess of things, and you've now unfortunately learned a cardinal rule of serious relationships the hard way.
1. Never *EVER* badmouth your family to your boyfriend, not if you intend to be with your boyfriend in the long run. The only exceptions are physical abuse and crime. You put your boyfriend in a horrible position, because a boyfriend cannot badmouth a girlfriend's parents without doing big damage short and long-term. You see it now with him calling your dad "retarded" and your family flipping out about it.
2. Never *EVER* vent your arguments between you and your boyfriend to your parents/family. Friends are one thing, and it's good to have a best friend who is NOT your boyfriend and who can be there for support, but constantly venting your fights between you and your boyfriend to your mom and dad and family will cause them to hate him long after the fight is over. Again, the exceptions are physical abuse and crime, but with a boyfriend, I also add serious controlling issues as well (i.e. he threatens you and tries to cut you off from friends and family).
There's only one thing you can do -- get your boyfriend and your parents in a room together and apologize to all of them at the same time. Tell them you hurt some feelings by badmouthing them behind backs, and you are really sorry. Tell your parents that when they say nasty things about your boyfriend, it really hurts you, and it's gotta stop.
Again, if you value a relationship and plan a future with a partner, the last thing you ever want to do is use your boyfriend to badmouth your family and you can't use your family as a vent for every fight with your boyfriend.
I've been married 15 years now, and my family has never heard of me talk about any argument with my husband whatsoever, and likewise he's never done that either. I also have never ever trashed my family to him and he hasn't either. When there's a big conflict that rises up in a family, and it does happen, we all take sides FOR the family, not pitting one member against the other. People talk it out and get it out into the open so it can be resolved and not fester for years building up to this huge grudge everyone has to walk on eggshells around. But I don't call my mom up and tell her that he had a hard day at work and was snapping at me, or call up my dad and tell him that my husband forgot to pick up the milk I asked him to get on the way home.
Yeah, sit down and talk to your family, with your boyfriend with you if possible, but at least by yourself. Make amends or this will blow up out of proportion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Your dad sets a bad example for you, so you behave the way he does under certain circumstances. You have a lot of anger inside; because all you see in your father is his anger and frustration. That's really rough on a kid. Especially a girl. I also know there are two sides to your story. I will address both. You, and your dad.
You don't get his affection. He never says anything nice, and you still love him, because he's your father. That's what makes you so mad. You know he's supposed to be good and make you feel loved. You both are alike in some ways.
Your parents read your phone messages to monitor your behavior. They asked you to move, knowing you have no place to go? Showing you cruelty and rejection. Forgetting you are still a child and female. Even if you're 21, why would they kick you out of the house?
Your disrespectful back-talk didn't do you a lot of good either. Did it? Your mouth and temper is getting you into a lot of trouble. Haven't you learned anything? You can't live in their house, and have things your way.
Discipline is nothing but abuse when it is done without love. Bullying your kids doesn't make you a parent, just because you have the power to do it. He doesn't know how to rule without anger. I can only see him through your eyes. By what you've written. It's odd you have nothing good to say about him.
Hopefully; you have grandparents, uncles, or aunts who will take you in. Avoid the streets, you'll end up on drugs or worse. Maybe that's the reason you have problems between you and your parents. They worry about the path you're taking. They judge you by the company you keep.
All you can do, is find a family member to take you in. If you really have to move out. Stay quiet and keep your mouth shut. Behave and try to talk to your mother. She will have more influence over your father. Tell her you are sorry you got out of hand, and mean it. You messed everything up.
If you know they read your messages, you should know better than to criticize your parents to other people.
Keep your boyfriend away from your dad. Dad's aren't that rough with their daughters. You must have a lot of clashes with him, and it must be over your choice of boyfriends.
You have a rebellious nature, and your defiance is because you can't have your way. Your parents don't trust your judgment and feel you don't respect them or yourself.
You are disrespectful; so you and your father can't communicate or get along. It's mostly his fault. He's the mature one and should know how to handle a kid. He doesn't know how to guide and parent you without being a bully. He talks trash and can't see the damage it does. His authority means nothing; because he is mean. So it's hard for you to respect him. But he is only mean out of frustration with a young adult female who he fears will end up pregnant, or with some guy who might do her harm.
Just leave him alone so he'll miss you. Lay low and stop instigating trouble. Keep your temper under control. You are causing trouble everywhere you go; because you're challenging your father's authority. He thinks he'll regain your respect by losing his temper and showing his rage. You don't get love or respect in return for that. You get fear. Fear turns into hate. A rebellious teenage daughter is a handful, they drive fathers to madness.
There is little advice that can be offered without more details. Only that you need to watch what you say and who you say it to. You need to show your father respect, even if you disagree. It's his house. Try dating guys that are good for you. There is something behind your father's frustration with you. You haven't told the whole story.
You date bad-boy types (or losers) spitefully, or they wouldn't be so angry and concerned about your boyfriends.
They don't hate your boyfriends, they don't like the type.
I have to read between the lines. They aren't that angry without a reason.
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