A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so i am 21 years old, a junior in college. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. my boyfriend is also in college, and is a senior. he also has a job and pays for his whatever he needs. in the beginning, we were still in high school, and we had lots of immature arguments. currently, we barely argue. we have found out that we were so immature and now, have matured and realized that there is no need to be fighting in the way that we did. he respects me, treats me well, gives me whatever i need, gets along with my brothers, and respects my parents. i still live with my parents, but i pay for my own school, since i got a job, and i pay for the cellphone bill (which includes my mom, dad, and 3 brothers' phone). i don't mind though.basically, my boyfriend surprised me with tickets to miami this summer. i was super excited. but then i was nervous, how will i tell this to my parents? my parents are very old school. well, we decided to tell them, and it was horrible. my mom started yelling, talking bad about me in front of my boyfriend, she was crying saying she wishes that when i have a daughter that she does the same thing to me, she even disrespected my boyfriend. and he just stayed shut, surprised. my dad was not accepting of the situation either, saying things like "how does it look for a girl to go on vacation with her boyfriend. what will your grandmother and grandfather think of you? like a hoe." basically, saying that i am ruining my reputation. saying that I'm moving too fast and that i should wait. ever since that, they kept having these random talks with me about how they don't see a future with me and him, how they are scared for me when i move in with him, how they feel bad for me. also, they say that i changed and that I'm not the same person. i hate when they say that because i am still the same person, i am simply growing up and they do not want to accept that. i do well in college, never have gotten into trouble, i barely go out and when i do, its a problem or they give me a curfew. i really HATE that they are talking bad about him when he did not do anything to hurt or disrespect me or them. i have told them that since i respect their concerns, i can move out and do what i want. but guess what, they don't want me to move out either until i graduate. so what exactly do they want me to do? not do what i want but also still live with them and do what they want. look, i understand, they love me. they want whats best for me. but they have no idea the amount of pressure this has caused me. its like they want me to choose between my boyfriend and them. this, is also causing him stress because he said all this is unnecessary but he tells me, we will get through it together, and that i have to think about my happiness and make my own decisions. i feel like if i go to miami, they will hate me. they will disown me, everyone in my family will talk bad about me. i really want to go though :/if i don't go, things will go downhill with my boyfriend. because he is a strong believer at taking initiative and being happy. and he wants me to do what i want and not what anyone else wants for me and he also tells me that things will only get better from here because i feel so sad. everything is crashing down. and it sucks. what should i do? should i go for it and live my life, or should i stay and do what they say in fear of them hating me or disowning me?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2015):
 What exactly do they want you to do? This: put on nappies and become a little baby again.
You've got overprotective parents, and what they want is always the same: for their children (although most of all their daughters) to stay little and helpless.
Tell them that you are an adult now. You make your own decisions, and you call the shots when it comes to your body and whether or not you will share a bed with your boyfriend. That is YOUR concern, not theirs, and they need to respect that. It is not their business what your "reputation" will be, it is not their business what you do with your body, and they do NOT have a say in it as you are a human being and not a commodity.
I have an overprotective father who thought boys were the devil and that I needed to somehow be protected from the evil of boys/men... My best response was to put up a wall of ice. This means I didn't tell him shit. If he asked, I would be inclined to lie, or I would give out as little information as possible.
When I moved in with my first boyfriend he tried to give me a lecture about the use of condoms and how to avoid pregnancy.... Can you believe it? I was 19 at the time btw, and had lived on my own since I was 16. I knew how to use a condom, to put it that way. But as far as he was aware, I hadn't ever talked to boys before....
So here is what I'd do if I were you. Move out, actually, but that isn't a solution right now it seems. So what I'd do is this: do not talk to them about it. It's not up for discussion. If they bring it up, tell them calmly that it is your choice whether to go or not, your choice what you wish to do with your life and your body, and that it is not up for debate. You told them as a form of courtesy, and that was it. That you will no longer discuss this. If they refuse to drop it after this, then ignore them. This is what I mean by "ice wall". Freeze them out. Don't say another word about it. Not even to defend yourself. Stand still, cold, and do not budge. They will go mad at first, but after a little while they will get the point and leave it be. Although I warn you, you need to be strong and NOT drop the wall. The moment you let them back into the loop and engage in the debate again, you will have to start building up the ice wall from scratch.
But once you've got the wall up all the way, they will not bother you again. They will ask you how you are, and you can say "good, thanks", and they will not ask for more details. They will ask you when you are going, and you can give them the time, and they will not comment on it further. This can be achieved, but only if you stay strong and be as stubborn as a donkey about the wall of ice.
My dad occasionally tries to break down the wall, by asking further questions and prying into details about my personal life. I don't respond. Or I say firmly, as a warning, that it is personal and I wont answer. Then he backs off.
It might seem harsh, but you have intrusive parents, and the more you give the more they take. You can't let them in on anything, because they will try to take full control. If I even tell my dad I plan to move, for example, he will have all sorts of opinions about it and start meddling in and wanting to make the decision for me. So I simply do not tell him my plans. I leave him out of the loop. I realize this is not as simple when you live with your parents, but as for the things that happen outside of the house, they do not need to know. Keep them out of the loop.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 January 2015):
 Your boyfriend has to work with your parents. If you feel you can only be happy maintaining close relationship with your parents, the miami trip can wait. Did he get travel insurance? Your parents won't ever hate you. Your boyfriend has to remember he is in a relationship not just with you, but with your family too. I understand if you do not feel ready for marriage but I would suggest that. Either that or ask your boyfriend to give the tickets to his family members. If not going to miami means things going downhill then I have to question if this relationship is right for you. I myself find traditional parents to be annoying but I feel it's easier to be on their side to rather than to be against them. I think it's wise to wish for a healthy in law relationship.
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