A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got totally down, I didnt have anything to eat (1 tuna can for day, no bread) was depressed, lost work, with artistic school couldnt find any employment - all this because of what my mum put me into (I slept with her boyfriend, as a revenge to that she wanted to leave me and my father for this man - she told me when I was 15 and I had to keep secret of this from my father) I was raised with mother and father and all the sweet stories how wife and husband can never cheat, its forever etc. And then she told me happily that somebody wants to marry her. So I did what I did. After all this got solved, I left the man, my mum too, after 5 years I said to my father all. I didnt have real boyfriend after that, was really alone for years. And sad, because due to my mum I had to be lying to my father all the years that everything is ok. Even thou I was living already 6 years alone in my own rented appartments (had my own company very early, made lot of money, never asked family for money) my mum organized, that my father bought a big appartment for me, which was not in my name but i could live there and pay only the "running costs" (which was almost as what i paid for my small appartment as a rent) I thought will do good to my mum and will move to that appartment to make her happy. I didnt like the appartment. I got very depressed (doctor said deep depression, but i refused to take antidepresivs), felt sick, lost all clients, couldnt find job, felt like want to do art. (I was always the best student at schools). In that moment I asked my father and separatelly my mum for some help. and I didnt get. My father adviced me to go to work for example to a supermarket and keep my art as hobby. I was furious. I made little money and moved to live alone to other country. -----------now after 2 years I am coming to visit my family. I feell like I lost my family, after all what they were telling to me as a child, that they will always help me and how family is important I feel I cannot respect them as parents. I always did all to make them feel good and once when I was really down, because of my mums avantier I didnt find any help. My mum actually only told me to go to psychiatrist. Should I ask them why they didnt help me? Or should I accept the "present" (appartment to live in, even thou I dont like the appartment and said so and it would not be really mine anyway) maybe just accept it as her willingness to give me something even something what I dont want and forgive her even when she doesnt talk to me about anything else then weather? It feels to me, that she loved that man so much, that decided that she will kepp me as daughter and my father as partner but will not get involved in our "life together" anymore. (not more then washing fahter's clothes and watching tv) With my personality, I just CANT accept this and I CANT continue just talking about the weather and at all about my life with her. Father also even thou I kept secret forced by mother and it was hard and then he didnt help me also. Can I tell them that I feel like I dont have parents?When they will not tell me why they didnt help me, I should find out why, maybe they are scared from me, but I cant just answer all their questions about my life, when they dont clear this through. What to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Xtina356  +, writes (27 May 2010):
The first thing that I learned long ago is that you can't pick your parents. The second is that parents are people too, and they make mistakes like everyone else. I think they know they made mistakes. That's why they are offering you this apartment. You sound down and out right now, so even if you don't like the apartment, take it. Limit your contact with them to small periods of time where you don't let them effect you emotionally. But work on getting yourself back on track. If you want to be an artist, then do it. You may never have another opportunity fall into your lap that will allow you to work as an artist. When you build yourself back up again, leave. Until then, use your available resources. Yes, they made a lot of mistakes and put you in a position that you should have never been in at a young age. But they can't change the past. I'm sure they wish that they could. But it doesn't work that way. You can only try to rebuild your relationship with them. It's not the "family" that you wish you had, but they are the only one you have. You just have to learn how to deal with them and eventually accept that they aren't perfect.
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