A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m feeling very shocked and hurt even though I feel like I got over this past relationship. A man I dated swore he’d never have children. He’d be uncomfortable around them and all. I once got him to pose with my friends baby and his own mother expressed shock. After our almost 3 year relationship ended, he now has a child with someone who I thought was just a friend!! The baby also has the name I said I would like to name a son. I think that’s what really twisted the knife for me. I know I don’t own a name, even my own but how do you use the name of a baby that you discussed in bed with an ex? This all feels so strange. I also feel like I helped him mature for someone else to enjoy. Any advise is welcome. Thank you kindly Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2021): For some reason, your situation reminds me of an experience from well over a decade ago. I had been overseas, just fresh out of college, barely a year of work experience under my belt, and was eagerly looking forward to my first trip back home in over 3 years.
It came as a total shock to me when that was when my elder sister asked my mother to fly over to her place abroad to help babysit my barely 2 years old nephew. My whole being was revolting against the idea that my mother would not be there during my holidays. There had never been any such thing, and it so totally did not make sense to me.
It hurt. I tossed and turned in bed, and I kept thinking of all sorts of solutions to make it so that things could be otherwise.
I only started to see the light when I anchored on to something I'd learnt over the years: when I am hurting *this bad* , somehow, *I* am being overly selfish... I just need to understand in what way...
With that, I'd say easily 80% of the hard part had been taken care of... and I instantly saw quite clearly that:
I am 26 years old, it's thanks to my parents who've been there whenever I needed them that I can stand on my own two feet today, and book my own ticket home... Today, my nephew needs my mother by his side more... and what kind of an uncle would I be if I did not understand that?
One of my most poignant experiences of love, for my sister, my nephew, my family.
OP, if you've made it this far, try to see with some introspection, in your case, is it possible that what is really bothering you isn't as much to do with him as it is something within you, and something well within your control.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (2 August 2021):
 I have to agree with the other aunts that have answered your post.
I know its not ideal, and it must hurt and is leaving you with unanswered questions.
We don't really know what happened after he broke up with you, maybe the baby was not planned, maybe it was planned, maybe he just changed his mind and thought it was time to be a father.
This relationship is now finished, whats done is done, we can't unscramble scrambled eggs. I think its time to accept this relationship is over, accept that he has had a baby with someone else, and move on with your life.
He has moved on, and its time you forget about him now and move on yourself, and find someone who gives you the love and respect you rightly deserve.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 July 2021):
 Yikes, that can not feel good!
I have to agree with Anonymous 123. I think he deep down wasn't as into you as you were into him. (not your fault) and secondly, he might not have WANTED a child but the new GF did. Or it was unplanned and he has decided to stick it out, for now. Maybe even long-term.
He wasn't right for you from the get-go and you knew that, yet you stayed with him for 3 years.
Always listen to what someone tells you. Like, I don't want kids. That means I DON'T WANT kids (or "I don't want kids WITH you or "RIGHT now"). It doesn't mean that he might at some point change his mind. He might but it's unlikely.
Same with someone saying "I'm not looking for anything serious".
BELIEVE them.
And if you wanted kids (and by the sound of it you did/do) WHY date someone for 3! years who don't want kids? That is a waste of your time!
He wasn't right for you - find someone who is.
STIP looking at his social media, stop talking to him (if you are) same with his GF/partners social media. By "cyberstalking them, you are ONLY hurting yourself. Why do that to yourself?
As far as the name? Yes, that sucks. But like you also said, you don't OWN that name or the "rights" to it. And it makes NO difference for you. If you have a son you can name him that name IF you still want to. Doesn't matter that your ex-bf has a son with the same name.
Let him go. Set yourself free. Most of all MOVE on with life.
Chin up, and go find the RIGHT guy for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 July 2021):
 I know this will be hard to not take personally but he was just not that into you and believe me, it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes two people just don't 'fit'. "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."
And now you know that he was really not worth it any way because ethically he shouldn't have chosen "your" name for his son. But he did. And that just shows you how he is.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 July 2021):
 I firmly believe major life decisions are often primarily about timing. When he was with you, he was not ready to commit to having a child. Now he is (or perhaps the child was not planned and he had no choice?)
The name choice is a bit strange but perhaps it was not HIS choice but the mother's? If it is a favourite name of yours, then it has to be a favourite name of other people as well.
For your own peace of mind, try to keep away from finding out about what your ex is up to. Your lives are no long bound together. He has moved on. It is time for you to do the same. When you find the right man for you, you will understand why things did not work out with your ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): You have been an enormous influence on your ex.
Maybe you taught him the better way to see life.
Maybe the choosing of the baby name is an acknowledgement of your influence.
However you are entitled to meet someone who equally inspires you and to get the commitment you fully deserve.
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