A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I am the driving force behind just about everything in my relationship and it frustrates me. I have been with my partner for 6 years, we have two kids.. It often feels like my partner is like a third kid. Every little thing that needs done, whether it is around the house, with our finances, bills, mowing the lawn, basically doing anything that most men do around a house,_ him shaving or getting a haircut has to be either planned by me, or where that is not possible constantly reminded until he does it.While saving for a deposit for a house we were both intending to use our tax returns towards it - I did mine immediately, however he took approximately 4 months (a time in which I asked and begged him to do it so that we could move closer to purchasing our house.) Our goal had been to purchase a house within 3 months so this avoidable setback really disappointed me. It is like that with everything that we have to do. I honestly just don't know what to do, Im sick of nagging, sick of having to organise every thing solely by myself but despite my efforts to communicate this in a tactful way nothing changes. Has anyone been in this situation? Did things ever change? Did a certain approach you took work? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Though I would really want to have Honeypie approach but in reality at least in my family it doesn't work. I am like yourself is 100% doing everything in our lives, and always did. I also make my husbands appointments, and also appointments for kids and myself. Even haircuts app. for him I make. And why, because when I stopped doing it, people around were telling how awfull he looks, and I felt ashamed. If I don't tell him what to wear he leaves the house looking like homeless, he won't change his jeans for a week walking around with stretched out knees and spots all over. I pay bills also, though mostof them on automatic pay. I can never ask him to do anything on his own, he either will mess it up or forgets to do it altogether. Once there was some misunderstanding with bank, I sent him to talk to them, because I had to take my daughter to a doctor. He went, came home, told me something a complete opposite of what he was told in a bank, and the result was we lost some money in a transaction. After thi incidents occured many times I stopped trusting him with that. Even when I ask him to get grosseries in a store, it takes him instead of for example half an hour, 2 hours while I am at home waiting for him to make dinner. Why? Because he is like that little boy reads all the labels, looks around, studying beer on shelves, once he saw someone he knew and spent more than an hour talking to him, and me and kids stayed home hungry waiting for food. One thing that my husband has very unusual from anyone I met, he is not friends with technology. Even though he is only 40, he doesn't like using computer that much, or his phone. That creates another whole set of problems with him not answering his phone, never checking his messages and so on. Because he doesn't like using computers,all trips i plan from beginning to end. I do not believe you can change him for a second. If you are not planning to divorce him, be prepare to do everything yourself. And don't ask his opinion, just do it. When I took this approach my life became a bit easier. Before I would ask him, and the answer always would be , no, I will do it, and then he never did. For example, we had the worst front yard I a neibourhood, because my husband always was going to work on it, and never did. One day I had enough and hired landscaper, and he did for me grassless beatifull front yard. Now we don't have to do anything, just once a month to trim one bush. And water. We have a big house. I did cleaning myself for years, and he always had an intention to help me, and never did. I without even asking him, hired a lady who comes twice a month, does my sheets and cleans the whole house. He doesn't even know she comes. Because she comes during the day when we are at work and kids at school. Same with grosseries. He doesn't shop anymore. I go during lunch break 3 times a week to a supermarket. For me it's much easier that give him any chores to do. You are deffinitely not alone. But if you think you can change him, don't waiste your breath.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 Well for one.. if what you're doing now (nagging and planning) isn't working for YOU -stop doing it! You are only annoying yourself and stressing yourself.
My husband (for whatever reason) have NOT been able to hit the hamper in the bedroom with his dirty clothes. It ALWAYS ends up on the floor on his side of the bed. In the first couple of years of marriage, I tried asking him to put it in the hamper, I tried just picking it up, I tried MOVING the hamper close to HIs side of the bed, I tried putting it on his pillow (have to vacuum), I tried to "remind him" (aka nag) nothing worked.
So what did I do? I started to IGNORE the pile of dirty clothes. Didn't pick it up, didn't ask him to do so, didn't wash it. Nothing.
And what happened? Well, he ran out of clean clothes. And when he "whined" about it, I told him that I wasn't the maid, not his mom - that I HAD asked him to put it in the hamper. Clothes in hamper = dirty = needs washed = will be washed, folded and put away. Dirty clothes on the floor = ignored.
The result? Well, he uses the hamper 50% of the time, when he does, I wash what he puts in there. What he DOESN'T put in there.. he has to wash himself. Works for me.
I would NOT nag him to get a haircut or shave - he IS A GROWN ASS man. If he doesn't WANT to shave or get a haircut well, SO be it. Let him run around looking like a cave man. Sooner (I bet you) rather than later, someone will comment and he will magically go get his own haircut.
STOP mothering him. Just stop.
It doesn't mean you do not care. It just means you EXPECT him to be OLD enough to take care of those aspects himself.
I take care of the house, I cook, I clean, I wash the clothes, I shop, I take the trash out, I cut the grass, I shovel the show, I rake the yard, I mind the pets. Basically I do 85-90%? of the work around here, but I do not "work" away from home. So it does makes sense.
He DOES pitch in (like when we have a BBQ) sometimes taking out the trashcan to the road (though he mostly forgets) mowing the lawn - he usually comes out when I'm halfway done and finishes the yard. But I DO NOT beg, I DO NOT ask. I just GET IT DONE. Because I have found with MY husband (yours might work differently) that IF I get the lawnmower cranked up, he will take the initiative to mow the lawn.
If you don't WANT him to act like a child, don't treat him as such. Even if that means letting the grass grow in the yard or moving it yourself.
And don't set yourself up for failure. You have certain expectations of him (which are all REASONABLE, like the tax return) but TRY to not have any for a while and see if it will lessen the STRESS on you.
You might have to try a few different approaches before it's a success. But you already know that if you STICK to what you are doing now, nothing will change.
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just have to find out what methods and/or incentives to use.
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