A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this isn't really a question of sorts but I just really need some help getting over my ex.Basically we were together for four years, he's a year and a half older than me and we got together just before my 19th birthday. Our relationship was wonderful - I cannot stress that enough. Loving, sexual, supportive, caring, lots of fun. We also had our fair share of rough times which we worked through together and became stronger for. After two years we became engaged - he proposed. We were so happy. A year later we moved in together, I am at uni, something he was insistent I do as he didn't get the chance (we both come from not very well off households, his worse than mine) and he by this point had a good job and was POSITIVE he wanted to support me whilst I was getting my degree. Honestly, I did resist and quadruple check he was alright with this.We had a blissful 10 months or so, then we decided to book the wedding. he wanted to wait, and i said fine but lets not stay engaged as it's already been 2 years and i don't want to be one of those people who is engaged for the sake of it, with no wedding imminent. he acted a bit grumpy over summer, just one of those things, living together with not much money you get into a boring routine. After buying dress/rings/etc he came home one day and told me he didn't fancy me,he cried his eyes out. I moved back home. after four days we went for a walk and we got back together - he said as soon as he saw me he realised how much he wanted and fancied me. He was genuinely happy - i could tell by his face and his actions. Everything was wonderful. He had a weekend away organised for a sports tournement coming up, we agreed I would no longer go with him to maintain some space. Cut a long story short, after that he was distant again. i tried everything.After three weeks of this I moved home, and said to him I'll live with my parents permanently to help the relationship, now there's no wedding we have money and I graduate in less than a year. He thought this was a great idea. It meant alot especially as I don't have the best relationship with them and they live in a very small hous. We had a lovely last night together, went for a long drive, a meal, cuddled, went to bed together, it was perfect and full of love. One week in,he splits up with me as he was 'happy without me' (only four days since we last spoke!!) He then said that if he missed me, we'd get back together. During this period I saw him a couple of times to get stuff from the house - he was all over me trying to sleep with me (I Didn't!), telling me he loved me, he just wasn't happy at the moment, telling me how noone could compare and that he didn't want anyone else (I asked, and said to him be straight with me, if its over tell me NOW) basically implying a bit of space and we'd be fine.We agreed to have a month apart completely, no contact. This was on a wednesday. The following Sat I get an email, 'hi x x x' about the anniversary of my aunty dying and how he will be there for me, and that he realises he is 'breaking the break'. So i am assuming everything is still fine. On that Weds, he was hugging me, calling me gorgeous, looking at me with love, telling me he missed me already. Please understand, i was definitely NOT clutching at straws - this wasn't imagined, i wouldn't put myself through that.So I go on the net yesterday,and see he is 'in a relationship with...'. WHAT. Basically, he took a girl's number while on the town when he was away. he slept with her the same day as emailing me about my dead aunty, and is now in a relationship with her. he even turned really nasty on me, saying he'd 'moved on' and she made him happy (bear in mind she lives a five hour drive away, so he can't have seen her that much, even behind my back!) He has now realised a bit more how nasty he's been and is already saying 'ill probably realise it was a mistake, but that's my price to pay'.The thing that hurts most is, the price I have to pay. He has made no mention of that. I had my life planned, everything was towards the goal of us. Everything that initially got him down was solvable, we could have fixed it. We really were amazing together. he has even admitted himself that he never gave it a chance to work. What also hurts is I told this girl as he admitted he hadn't told her about me at all (i did wonder why when we were together he removed all trace of me from his profile - he lied and said he didn't like the photos) and i was really mature about it, explaining that he had lied to me, so she should know. The Stupid moron has stayed with him. Does she have no morals? If that was me (i forwarded an email he sent me telling me how i was the one, no one else, in case she thought i was lying) i would be embarrassed and wouldn't touch him, especially if he lived far away. He has obviously treated me awfully, but surely she can see if he wanted her that badly he would have thrown me to the curb?! I am so fed up. I've now got to get the rest of my things from OUR house, knowing she will be installed in his life with everything I worked hard for. Even worse, his brother and partner, plus best friend and a couple of others have already deleted me on facebook, even though we got on really well. I feel totally replaced and alone, and I can't deal with it. It's my final year of uni, and I just can't concentrate. What do i do? I feel I've lost everything that I loved - my boyfriend/fiance, my home, my plans. The satisfaction his new relationship probably won't work and he will regret it isn't enough - I just wanted him.
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female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (21 November 2009):
 I've just realised how that last message indicates I think he's amazing still, i really don't, he is clever and attractive, but he is also vile, inconsiderate, a liar, a cheat, a coward and alot of other rude things just in case you are wondering if I only hate her! I do blame him for what's happened entirely, I'm just shocked he's gone for the exact stereotype he used to find obnoxious - is that because he's now obnoxious too? Will that change?
A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (21 November 2009):
Right, i've now registered so you know who I am! I have just written a massive essay and it hasn't appeared so I shall attempt to write it again and fill you in on the intricate details of my tw*t ex!Basically I found out on Thursday by googling his name that he'd written on a website two days before I last saw him on our break (and when he was telling me how hot i am and how we had a good chance of getting back together) how he was in the area (where she lives) alot now and had ALREADY BEEN THERE that weekend...which means he told me a lie about where he went and lied to my face the last time he came round when i asked him how it went (he told me it was a pool competition in Leicester!). When I saw this my blood boiled, so I rang him and he sounded pleased to hear from me. I asked him if he saw her before he last saw me, he said no. I told him what I read and he said 'oh that was for future reference', I then told him he had also written he'd already been up there to which he had to give up. I told him to pick me up so he could answer my questions face to face as I was sick of lies through the phone/email.He totally contradicted himself while we were in the car, crying on minute, telling me he was happy the next. Even though he emailed me to say he was ashamed, in the car he said 'i'm not ashamed because i'm happy'. He then said it was a stupid mistake that he contacted her, agreed when I said she was a really odd choice for someone like him (didn't stick up for her or say anything nice about her) and said he now sees that him and me would have been fine if he hadn't of done it. In the email he said he encouraged me by telling me he loved me/touching me/saying we'd get back together to 'give me something to hold on to'. In the car however he said it was because he missed me alot, which was the whole point of us having a break?!? I asked why then did you continue it with her and he said he didn't know. I asked if it's because she isn't as intelligent/attractive as him (not being bitchy but it is true)so she flatters him/ego massages and he said possibly. I am SOOOO annoyed at him, I asked him why he did it then and he said he doesn't know and that when he does he will tell me. Surely, if you are going to make such massive decisions, you would have reasons first? He also continued lying, as he let me say about losing his family's friendship because of them deleting me on facebook (in his emails on Tues he said it was likely they're annoyed at me for publicly bad mouthing him) yet when I got home his brother had sent me a nice email in response to mine saying that my ex had told him he'd SNEAKED onto my profile using my log in and deleted them to 'protect him' - as his brother says, to protect himself more like. I asked him if he'd told his grandad what he'd done and he said "yes, i told him i wasn't happy and we split up". Um, that's not the truth though is it!!!! It is like he is fooling himself he's done nothing wrong and is blameless. He seems to realise he was stupid in throwing us away, but at the same time doesn't care because he's found someone new to tell him how great he is. Would you agree?Bearing in mind he is nearly 25, and not 14, he has now unblocked me from facebook and made his profile public. In the whole four years we were together he never uploaded anything. But it turns out on Monday night, which is when I found out about this, he went to this carnival he knew full well i wanted to go to with him - he said how he hated it and it was tacky and for skanky people!!! and he has uploaded a stupid amount of videos and a couple of photos of it- obviously purely for my benefit. What has angered me as in the car he told me his new girlfriend hadn't been in our house, yet you can hear a female voice on the recording i clicked on. I know he saw her that weekend so how could she be where we live on a monday night without staying here? I am so angry, as he said himself I have done nothing wrong, so can anyone help me understand his motives for this vindictiveness and cruelty?He obviously has a real problem with people knowing what he's done, deleting things off my facebook as well under my name and not telling his family the truth. He's hidden the fact he's got a new girlfriend from his friends. What I don't get though is he says he isn't ashamed? My parents tell me to 'forget it', but it really isn't as easy as that. I've had 6 days of this, and he's being very confusing and nasty and I need to understand why. I've blocked him so he can't see me and I can't see him. I have still got stuff at the house (i am very unimpressed she has been there with all my belongings) and money tied up in it, does anyone know why people act like this? Do you think he'll realise what he's done, and say sorry? Why is he with someone a couple of months ago would repulse him - I told him i saw her myspace page and he looked very embarrassed - she can't write very well, is 3 years younger, and every sentence involved 'gettin mashed'or 'im a pisshead', boasting how loud she is. Can anyone help me understand why people do this? Surely he should either be acting 1) nicely to me as he's sorry or loves me, or 2) completely ignoring me as he likes this new girl and doesn't care about me as he's moved on? Why is he spending his time trying to get a rise from me when I haven't hurt him in anyway and he is supposedly happy? It isn't the person I loved for four years. He cried in the car when I pointed out all the nice things I did for him that he has now got no respect for, yet already he's being very stupid again for no reason!!! I just need to understand this personality change; I have morals and respect for other people and don't get all of this. He also said on the phone on Monday she had no idea about me, which is why I emailed her. He then said in the car she knew all about me (again, what sort of girl would take a man from four hours away knowing he's stringing you both along?!) but that she didn't encourage him to get rid of me, which is a lie as his status on facebook (god im starting to hate that website, i feel like a teenager) the day before he dumped me was 'icant sleep', and she 'liked' it. Why is he being nasty? why does he now see we would have worked, yet at the same time is happy? Why does he cry? Why does he spend time trying to hurt me? Why does he lie? Why does he hide what he's done but say he isn't ashamed? Why is he with someone he clearly knows himself is not a good choice at all? ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Thanks. Well he goes from bad to worse. I since found out that he had been seeing her before I even last saw him, so he lied to my face about where he had been. He started texting her a couple of days after coming home from this tournemount. I am so upset and angry that he has done this. I made him come and pick me up on Thursday as I deserved some respect and to be talked to properly. He just totally contradicted himself, he's happy so he isn't ashamed of what he's done (he already said he was ashamed in an email on tues) and that it was a stupid mistake contacting her and now he sees we would have been fine. He said in an email he encouraged me (telling me he loved me, hugging me, saying we'd get back together) to give me hope, yet on Thursday he said he did this because he missed me so much - which was the whole point of our break, so why keep seeing her?????
He let me say about losing his family's friendship and when I got home his brother had emailed me saying my ex had gone onto MY facebook and deleted them all and he thought I knew as that's what he told him...what a horrible person. I asked him if he told his grandad the truth and he said yes, i told him i wasnt happy so we split up. I reminded him this isn't actually what's happened at all.
He has no real remorse, and I don't recognise this horrible personality change. He has since unblocked me and made his profile public (so I can see it)and has put up pictures and videos of the carnival he KNEW i wanted to go to with him (he said how crap it was and how he'd never go) which happened the day this all kicked off (monday this week). IN our whole relationship he never bothered uploading stuff on the net, so it's obviously all for me. He told me in the car that this girl hadn't been to our house, yet on the videos you can hear a female voice. She lives four hours away, so she must have been in our bed and in our house, with all my stuff still in it,for him to see her that weekend then be with her monday night where we live. What I don't get is i said to his face how she is the exact sort of girl he used to ridicule, and he agreed, and said my mum was right blokes do stupid things like sleep with girls?!? Why is he spending his time winding me up instead of either being nice to me or just ignoring me to be with his new girlfriend? He is nearly 25, he isn't a silly schoolboy?
I've since blocked him so I can't torture myself anymore. I am so sad and angry that he's hurting me so much when all I've ever done is support and love him for four years. What does he want, what is he trying to achieve??? I can't even get a sincere apology or an explanation as to why he's done it all. He said on thursday, 'when i have answers, i'll let you know' - surely if you make such big decisions as that you would at least know why you made them? Does anyone know what would motivate this nasty behaviour? I really don't understand and it's killing me and I can't just 'forget about it' like my parents say. I still have money tied up in the house, he was being ok in the car on thurs, even sounding pleased to hear from me, so why this vindicative action mixed in with knowing i don't deserve it?
I have soooo many questions left unanswered and it's tormenting me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Thanks for the followup! I'm happy to hear you have good friends doing their best to support you; I think this will be key for you.
It sounds like you're working through the details as calmly as possible--what a nightmare to have to split up your stuff. I have never done that, as I'd never lived with a guy and split up before, so I can only imagine what you are going through. I would probably be filled with rage as well.
I think it's really tempting now to be petty, to do things that are designed to make him/them/her miserable, but I think that the effort will be wasted. Either it won't be noticed, or it may backfire on you. Instead, I think you should go about this disassembly of the shared life in as 'high road' a manner as possible. You be the picture of perfect etiquette, you become very formal and very precise about details. I think if you become this very correct and distant person, this will be far more effective than leaving stuff behind. Let's face it, you bought those things, you are entitled to them, so what if you take them and drop them off at a charity shop, preferably on their street so they can see that vase (ha!), these things were paid for by you. If he keeps his things, then you get to keep yours. I would pretty much insist on that. After all, you'll have to replace all those things when you get your next place. I also think it would help not to have left pieces of yourself behind (okay, I know, your emotions are there, but I mean the material things) as this will be a complete removal of yourself from his life for now.
You don't do this in an angry, stomping around kind of way. You glide in with boxes ready to remove said items, you pack, you DO NOT under ANY circumstance weep or cry or show emotion. Ice princess. You are entitled to request that she not be there--I personally wouldn't be able to stomach it myself and I don't see any reason to have interaction with her.
Look, this isn't about her, after all, this is about him. Your angry words are all directed at her, when it's him you should be raging about! She's not the one who did this to you, HE is. He's the one who waffled on for so long, not her. He's the one who couldn't commit. Remember that, keep your focus.
So, get in there, get your things and get out with a minimum of fuss. Bring girlfriends to help you, they can cast all the sullen glares and angry glances at him, so that you look placid and serene by comparison. And you do NOT have to have her there, in fact, you can pretty well demand that she be *poof* gone while you do this 'de-youing' of the space.
You're at the very start of a journey, and you'll have a lot still to go through. The worst is over, you know what the outcome is. You are mourning the death of a relationship, keep that in mind. Give yourself the freedom to express that grief and give yourself permission to be sad, angry and unhappy. You will be. But then someday, and not too far off, honestly, you will wake up one day and realize that you are not sad, you're not angry, and most surprising of all, that you are happy. I promise, that day will come.
Keep us posted. You might have to PM me if you post here as this didn't show up as a followup on my page. So if I seem to be ignoring you, I'm not reading your replies. I'll put this on my watched questions list and maybe I can remember!
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Thank you so much for your answers. Deep down the rational part of me is screaming 'be strong! go to the gym! do your work!', so I am hoping give it some time I will be able to do these things more and more. My friends have been AMAZING.
I don't know how much this girl knows about me, he could have lied to her I suppose and make out that I'm just a nutter, I know I shouldn't blame her, and to be honest it's not really blame I feel but shock at how she's still with him, as I'm very much for the sisterhood and would have ran like a shot if I found out a new boyfriend had been doing that secretly to his ex fiancee (and also lying to me!).
I nearly emailed him earlier and said how dare you want to bring my stuff round so she can strut into our house carefree without seeing my belongings, which have more of a right to be there than hers. But then I thought, in the long run, I can't STOP her being there, sulking and shouting won't help - I've already said how I feel and I should leave it there I suppose. It is up to his conscience now to kick in, and for her it won't be easy - I would feel really insecure if I was in her shoes, now knowing he's a liar and he's all those miles away in the week with the ex only a ten minute drive away.
He asked if I was taking everything or if he should buy some of the house stuff back from me, I wanted to take all the decor from the house (as he paid for furniture, but i bought the typical girly things of kitchen items, throws/cushions/vases/pictures) so it would look barren and he'd miss me, but my mum made a good point - men don't really care about that stuff, and surely the new g/f seeing a nice vase and commenting on it when he knows I picked it would be more satisfying for me than her believing the house has been stripped purely for her benefit. The thought that she might be dictating to him when my stuff goes really angered me, filled me with rage if I'm totally honest, as the way I see it is that if you both jump into a relationship so quickly,when both aware of the facts (i.e me!), you should realise that a consequence of that would be loose ends need to be tied, with respect. It is also, as i keep saying, my house as well with my name on the rent, so I feel she really shouldn't be calling ANY shots about my belongings. but what would me running my mouth off gain i suppose. wow - being mature is hard ha ha.
Thanks your your answers, I cannot describe how cathartic this is to be able to whine away and be listened to and gain valuable feed back. It also stops me from emailing him, which my parents left with strict instructions DO NOT DO this morning, and i won't lie, have been tempted!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): obviously he was acting immature and inconsiderate. He lied to you and was seeing/talking to another girl. There were a lot of lies there, and if he lied to you like that and was seeing other people behind your back(regardless of how much time he spent with her)... sounds like he was been affectionate with you after being a complete A** just to get you into bed. He threw everything away for another girl who he just met?? what a waste!!! He's playing with you. Don't waste your time with him and don't try to make it work because it WON'T! Move on, you don't deserve that B.S. I feel really bad for you and I can imagine what you might be going through....it hurts. But life can be better and you're still young. Live life to the fullest and forget about him. It will take time but you can get over it if you really want to. And focus on your major, don't let this idiot ruin your chances of completing your degree. You are obviously more responsible and I can really let you know, you're going to be very successful and happy because you are a hard worker and very smart. If you really want to know if he really loves you...& comes back to you , wait on the sex. Because it seems to me he only went back to you for sex. Which he's probably not getting enough from this other girl. And he's wanting multiple relationships with others to fulfill his hunger for sex. He might be thinking you're not enough, but neither is this other girl. SO he can't make up his mind and keeps coming around you and the other girl. He thinks he has you for sure, and can run to you any time and thinks you'll fall for it. He might love you and that's why he can't let go. BUT honestly don't even let him play games with you anymore. You have experienced a lot of heart ache with him. And he's not going to change. Live your life apart from his and cut all communication and contact with him. He does not deserve you.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 Very very good advice there from Tisha-1.
I would add that it is best to keep away from this other girl, go and collect your stuff when you have asked your ex boyfriend that the coast is clear and the house will be empty.
He is continuing to send you mixed emotions and I think you need to treat these with a pinch of salt. My ex husband did this when he was humming and hawing about whether to go or stay with me and it normally depended on how much he had had to drink, what his friends had advised or if he felt guilty. I think it is over and I think you need to get your stuff out as soon as possible. Get your parents to collect it if you can't cope with it. don't use it as an excuse to see him and chat. All the stuff you have bought for the wedding put in a big box in the garage - there is no point in torturing yourself over this anymore.
Take time to grieve and feel anger, hurt, depression and then concentrate on putting yourself first. Getting over this will take a while but it does get better slowly and each day is nearer that goal. One day you will wake up and he won't be the first thing you think about, I promise you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 November 2009):
Sorry for your break up--it sounds particularly tough for you. I don't blame you for being upset and feeling as though she's getting the better end of the bargain.
For what it's worth, I read your question and thought that perhaps this guy wanted to be in love with you, truly he did, but when push came to shove and it was time to set a date, he realized that you were not "the one" for him. It sounds like he tried and tried to convince himself that it was going to work and went through some contortions trying to prove it, to himself and to you. But then the facade broke and he just couldn't sustain it anymore. Being with you was safe, known, and comfortable and that's probably enough of a draw for him to keep you two together for a long time. That and he does care for you.
Look, he has feelings for you, he cares about you and he wants you to be happy. BUT, and this is the big BUT, not at the expense of his own. Somehow, deep down, this relationship wasn't making him happy and despite his best efforts, he couldn't lie to himself any longer.
The problem for you is that you have put so much of your energy and life into this guy that you are left standing on the curb, shocked and stunned, as the commitment bus leaves without you on board. It stinks and it's awful and it is not your fault. In a way, it's not his either. The bad bit is how long he gave you hope and kept you on a string while he wrestled with the problem.
Don't blame this girl for his actions and his decision. You can judge if you'd like, but the one to be judged isn't her, it's him.
This same thing happened to friends of mine. She was head over heels for him, she set her cap for him, and got him. She essentially manouvered him into a place where he couldn't say "no". They were roommates, then they got romantically involved, and because they lived together already, there was no space for him to figure out how to keep the relationship light and uncommitted at first. He couldn't continue seeing other people at the same time he was dating her; it was impossible. She's a level-headed and strong-minded person who decided that he was "the one" for her and that was that. He didn't get much say in it, really. She kind of swept him along. He was happy to let her take the lead and determine the course of things for a while, but as it became apparent to him that they were incompatible long-term, that while he loved her, he wasn't "in love" with her. But he was stuck.
He was more or less forced to propose to her, and then he just sank into a pit of misery and despair. He said later it was like waking up everyday with a knot in the pit of his stomach, knowing that he was in a place he realized held nothing for him.
They hit the rough patch then, when he couldn't set the date either. He simply didn't want to get married to her but didn't know how to tell her that. She wound up moving out, they went to couples counseling, where they were introduced to the book that I found hugely useful, "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. He still calls it the book that broke them up. She blames it for their relationship's demise, but honestly, it wasn't the book. He simply didn't want to marry her, she was not the one for him, despite their years together.
She was bitter and angry about it and wound up moving to another state. I have lost touch with her now, as she thought we had all picked him in the split. We did no such thing, but she perceived our continuing friendship with them both as a sign that we condoned his 'dumping' of her. Sad, really.
So I have a feeling I know what your ex was and is going through. He feels guilt, no doubt, but he cannot stay with you just because of that. This girl is probably a rebound relationship, but it doesn't really matter. The point is that even if she wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't be with you. He wasn't happy, is the cold hard brutal truth.
I'm sorry for that, and I'm not trying to be mean, but he has indeed moved on. He may waffle about a bit and send some mixed signals, because despite it all, he does have feelings for you. They're just not the ones you want him to have.
You're going to have to get up each day and take extra special care of yourself. You have to recognize that you are in mourning for the loss of this relationship, and as such, you will go through the phases of grief that people experience when they lose a loved one.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. People will tend to slide back and forth from one to another but the beginning (denial) and hopefully acceptance at some point is the ideal end. You're going back and forth from anger to depression, I think. If you can recognize your feelings for what they are, learn to accept and embrace them, allowing yourself to move on a bit, day by day, the pain and anger will subside and you'll be able to move on.
The tragedy would be if you get so such in anger and bitterness that you never really do move on in a healthy way. That's what happened to the woman in the couple I talked about. She cut herself off from all her old life and then struggled for a long time to find her own kind of peace. She never really forgave him, I think, even though they did keep in touch for a while.
I am sorry that you are facing this. Get all your good friends together and let them know you need lots of support and morale-boosting exercises, that you want and need company and distraction from them. Then do your level best on your exams and uni and put all that anger you feel as fuel to do the best you can there, okay?
I hope you feel better soon. Life will go on, you will be just fine, if you try.
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