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female
,
anonymous
writes: In relationships I always find myself giving loads of love, and even though the love does come back I Always find myself being the main giver and every one else takes. How can i make myself stronger, and to not be so vulnerable, I fear loosing them and always seek approval and reassurance CONSTANTLY to a point where it stinks- yip i admitted it, but there are moments where i can't help myself. Whether im busy or not i alwasy have time to send emails, texts, call. but when my partner is busy there is no time whatsoever, for hours, days and it leaves me feeling cold and hurt. i make the time and don't get back as i'd expect. I'm the one always chaising and the more i say i wont, the more i call and i always get the answering machime, but when he calls me and i don't answer several times in a row "getting back at him" i get the silent treatment from him. What can i do to be more indepentant and to not give so much in a relationship and see if i get back what i give in?I wish i was more strong and not seeking constant reassurance.What do you think of this situation and of me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Gryphon +, writes (21 April 2006):
 Insecurity strikes everybody, but how you handle your own insecurity is what makes the difference. You absolutely must tell yourself that you are not the problem and that if others will not take the time to respond then they are not worth contacting repeatedly until they do take the time. Once you have your emotional self buffed up, take a look at how you go about contacting people. I really can’t stress this enough, but guys positively do not respond to constant affection the way women would like them to. If you are constantly bombarding him with messages and… well… love – it may be time to tighten your belt and tone down your activities (don’t quit entirely or you may just get that ‘silent treatment’) and see if he notices the change. If he doesn’t seem to notice then you must ask yourself a couple of hard questions: 1) Is this the man for me if he is not willing to provide me with the attention I need? And 2) Can I change him to make him that person?
Change is used in such a derogative way anymore, but I don’t mean brainwashing – I mean talking to him and seeing if he realizes that he is withholding attention from you. If he doesn’t realize it (or doesn’t realize that you want more) then try to get a commitment from him to work hard at giving you more attention. If he doesn’t see it and/or refuses to try then you may need to consider whether he is really the right one for you… Just remember that I would guess 7 times out of 10 men are just oblivious to what the woman wants, and the woman has not yet spelled out her needs for him to clearly understand.
Hope it helps,
~Jake~
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