A
female
age
30-35,
*roverclover
writes:Dear cupid. I need some advice and opinions on something that may sound stupid, but it's honestly how I am feeling.I feel like I can't have any successful relationships because of the guys' female friends. Basically, almost every relationship I have ever been in (which hasn't been that many) there is always something weird going on with his female friends. Some examples are like some of the female friends are really flirty, they'll flirt with him and always be talking to him, they cause drama, they've been past crushes or ex's to the guy I'm dating, I have even been in a situation where a couple of female friends of the guy I was dating seemed like they just didn't like me at all right off the bat. Some have even started drama with me over stupid things. I have also noticed that some of them can seem really territorial over the guy I'm dating. They act like since they're such good and long term friends to the guy, that they have such a better and more important place in his life over some girl (me) that he has just started dating. Now honestly I can understand why they may be territorial, but it really threatens me. I feel like they are better than me and are a lot closer to the guy than I ever will be. I just feel like I'm in some type of competition with these girls and the guy I'm dating will always prefer them to me because of how close they are. I am a 19 year old female, and I personally don't deal with drama and try to stay out of it. I know how girls my age can be and all of the drama and stuff, and guys just don't understand or realize it at all. It's frustrating. Situations like these seem to happen in almost every relationship I have ever been in. Does anyone understand where I am coming from here? Is it just a girl/drama type thing that keeps going on? What should I do? I feel like this situation is really effecting any relationship I get into. Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I think the fact that it happens with EVERY boy you date says something either about you or the boys you pick.
To be honest, long term friends do have more power and say over a new girlfriend. NOT an old established GF but you are not there yet...
The truth is it's UP TO THE MAN to control his friends.
The biggest problem I have found with men is that they are often clueless about how these female "friends' really feel and what they really want. MOST women I know want more than friendship (if they are single) but will settle for friends with the guy thinking that later on they may get more.
When my ex-husband and I moved in together and he sent messages to all his online (and real life) friends about the changes in his life, MORE THAN 50% of the female friends stopped being friends with him. He was "off the market" and they no longer felt they had a shot at him. HE was SHOCKED and HURT. I had to laugh at his naiveté.
A
female
reader, Skittledelight  +, writes (4 April 2013):
Take a look at your past boyfriends - do they have any similarities, such as good looks, charisma, natural charm? Were they cheeky and lovable, did they have a wicked sense of humour? Were they good listeners? If the answer is yes then your only problem may be that you go for attractive, charming or sensitive men. There's nothing wrong with that, most of us do... which is the problem. Women flock around these guys, and there are always men who prefer the company of female friends to male friends. You seem to keep picking these!But I want you to think about something. You say it 'keeps' happening and that the girls are 'always' jostling for your guy's favour, and that you're very insecure and uncomfortable about it... are you sure this is what you're really seeing, and not just what you're afraid of? Sometimes when we fear losing someone we see shadows in the dark, things that we imagine would take them away from us. We over-exaggerate scenarios and blow them out of proportion, because we're afraid and we feel like we have no control.This is a natural response when you're feeling like you have to compete with someone. But the very fact that these guys chose you over those girls should give you confidence! So maybe trust and self esteem is an issue you need to work on to realise that you don't always have to be so wary?Alternatively, perhaps you are absolutely right and girls fawn over your guy all the time. Perhaps you could take this as a compliment? You must have picked a winner if he gets so much attention! And he picked YOU, so what does that say? You've already got the edge over these other girls.As a previous responder posted, it is best to nip these things in the bud. Show them exactly who's boss. Do it smoothly; you don't want to start a fight or point fingers or immerse yourself in drama. But do find a way to show them you're top dog. I would also suggest making sure they're not all aware of how threatened you feel - some women like to make you sweat; if they smell your fear they may try and take advantage of it. Like you say, some 19 year old girls just love drama.Women are very territorial, and I'm glad you understand that. You seem to have your head on your shoulders, despite your worry. You must come to terms with the fact that guys sometimes have a lot of female friends (I myself twice as many male friends as female friends and it can drive my boyfriend a bit crazy). The only way to deal with it is to be confident enough to care less, and to settle anybody who steps out of line :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): That always happens, I dated my husband for 6 years now we are married to 3 years with two kids. It's been rough dating him cause he got a lot of female friends that are screaming for attention from him even when we on a date they call to talk cause they are bored or lonely or sex life or support you named it. One thing I have to tell you none of them like me for some unknown reason sometimes my boyfriend would tell me to answer his phone them her he's asleep and when I did they always hanged up on my face and soon I said Hello. I was ok with them calling him first 3 years cause I dont like drama just like you but I have learned now that you have to nip it in the butt cause it almost cost us our marriage later on, one of them got poop job so she send pics to his cell, one of them ask him to go to a movie with her.... don't date idiots who got lots of female friends I learned they actually think they are more important than you to him in the hard way thought nasty facebook massages....ohh and I was his wife at the time..they got nerves
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 April 2013):
 I'm curious to learn how it is that ALL the guys who you've dated have "just happened" to have a circle of girls and/or ex-G/Fs hanging around them, such that you (and he - whoever he is) have such circumstances....
Maybe it's time to look at "where" you are finding your "boyfriends"....
Good luck...
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