A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, he has been my first everything and i have cared greatly for him. i moved in about a year ago because my family life was very bad, and he changed drastically. sometimes he is nice like before, but more like a buddy than a boyfriend, other times he is emotionally withdrawn, does not want sex, and if i try to talk about our problems he either will completely ignore me as if i am not there for hours or get angry and say cruel things, such as that the only reason he didn't leave me before was that my mother died, or he will threaten to leave me which he knows always causes me extreme pain and abadonment anxiety. this has eroded most of my feelings for him, but i have nowhere else to go and he is the only person i am close to. i know it is a destructive relationship i still think of the future we always talked about, marriage children etc., and that makes me want to stay with him.recently a good friend came to my city to spend time with me. he knows my problems and has always been kind and comforting to me, has told me for years that he is in love with me. he is from a wealthy family and tells me that he would take care of me if i chose to be with him, but there is no physical attraction for me so i always decline. the week he came to visit i did not see my boyfriend at all. we stayed in the nicest hotel in the city, he was very attentive and gave me an amazing time, and we ended up sleeping together. i did not feel guilty about it because it was not particularly enjoyable sex for me and also i felt like i deserved to be treated well by somebody. while i was with my friend i told my boyfriend that i was at my father's house thinking about whether this relationship is going to remain.after the week ended i went home to my boyfriend and he told me he wants to solve our problems. i think he was sincere and missed me but i do not have faith left in him. the other guy will take care of me and treat me well but there is nothing near the same physical attraction or comfort level that i have with my boyfriend. i know i need to work on myself foremostly but i am emotionally and financially not in a position to leave my boyfriend and figure things out on my own.i feel like i am crazy to be so attached to and reluctant to leave this guy who is sometimes so cruel to me, and question why i cannot have the same physical/sexual attraction toward somebody who always treats me well. my boyfriend is much better looking and sexually satisfying, but should this really determine so much? also it worries me that i do not have any guilty feelings about cheating, i cannot decide whether it was immoral under the circumstances. i want to be with the guy who treats me well and can provide for me but i do not want to leave a guy i am attracted to for one i am not, even though i am just trying to make a decision that would better my life, in terms of romance or love being irrelevent. why should this be so hard?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Hello,
First I think you have to look and yourself and wonder why you're allowing someone to treat you badly. Do you feel you deserve this? Is your self esteem good?
In a relationship it should be mutual respect. He doesn't seem to respect you, or your feelings.
I disagree with you being disloyal even though you seemed confused over what you truly wanted.
Work on yourself. Get into a better predicament. Further your education if possible. This will enable you to become more dependant and not rely on anyone.
I think you need alone time and u need to figure out how to do that. Yes your boyfriend is capable of change we all are, but if he's not willing to do it soon, how long are you willing to wait?
Good luck
;D
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