A
female
age
30-35,
*lectricnerd
writes:Hi, I know you guys probably get questions like this one all of the time, but I would like to share my story. I'm currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and very happy with him. However, for about a month now there is a situation that has been bothering me. There is a girl who has recently came into my boyfriends life. I admit I feel extremely threatened by her. I wouldn't say I'm jealous because I'm not a jealous person at all, but I do feel very threatened by her and I probably am insecure.Basically she is a girl who has an on again off again relationship with my boyfriend's best friend and she is also friends with a lot of my boyfriend's friends. Anyways, she has just recently met my boyfriend and ever since they met, I have noticed how much this girl tries to talk with my boyfriend. What I mean by this is that she talks with him a lot on social networking sites, online games, phone, etc. I'm not going to sit here and talk bad about this girl, but I would like to add that in my opinion, this girl is the type of girl that most girlfriends wouldn't really like talking to their boyfriends. She is very flirty with my boyfriend, tells him he's cute, sends him hearts, is literally always trying to talk to him, sending him pictures (specifically a picture of herself with the word ily on her hand (means I love you). The list goes on.Now, my boyfriend doesn't really respond much to her actions, but doesn't really do anything to stop what she is doing. He thinks it would be awkward to tell her to stop since she's friends with his friends and they all talk and are with each other a lot. Which I understand, I'm not a controlling person and don't have a right to tell him to stop talking to her, but I feel like her behavior is disrespectful to me and my relationship and it's really starting to bother me. So I'm in quite a sticky situation here.I have no problem at all with my boyfriend having female friends of course, but this girl is the only girl I have ever seem to have had a problem with. I have seen numerous occasions where her behavior is definitely not on a friendly level, but on a very flirty and even sexual level. I appreciate all of your answers and help, but I would like to say this : I know I am probably going to get answers like "if you trust him you have nothing to worry about". I would like to say I trust my boyfriend 100%...but even though I trust my boyfriend, this situation is still bothering me. I do feel threatened by this girl because I think my boyfriend enjoys her flirting (nobody ever really flirts with my boyfriend except me). I also understand that I can't do anything about this problem, my boyfriend would have to deal with it. Well..for that answer (and I'm not trying to be rude) my boyfriend isn't doing anything about it so I mean now what do I do? I'm not really worried about my boyfriend cheating nor do I have trust issues with him, my problem is that I don't know what to think about this situation and I am starting to worry more and more about this girl and what she and my boyfriend are doing (she plays a lot of online games together with my boyfriend and his friends) so they are usually talking with each other on a daily basis.Haven't really said anything to my boyfriend about this, but he has noticed that it does bother me and that I don't really like this girl much. I have been with this guy for a long time, and I feel like I am being pushed out of my relationship and that this girl is new and exciting to my boyfriend and that she interests him more than I do now.What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): You must admit you don't really trust your boyfriend. That is what this is all about in a nutshell. He can't do anything about someone flirting, which is totally harmless. He is not a senseless drone who will simply throw everything away, because some girl sends him pics and text messages.This is an age where people can find you on Facebook and connect with you regardless of the fact you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You cannot control what they say or how they behave around your boyfriend in person. That responsibility lies on him. If she bothers you so much, then you'll have to sit him down and tell him all the reasons you are uncomfortable with his exchanges with this female. Females tend to notice the actions of other females around their mates, even when he is totally oblivious. He isn't oblivious, but flattered with the attention. Nothing more.He likes the fact she is being extra nice to him. You aren't the only female attracted to your boyfriend, and he can't shut out each and every female who shows a little extra attention. That's a problem you have to deal with.You've offered no evidence your boyfriend is prone to cheating. He has never hooked up with her to your knowledge;and you're right, you can't control what either of these two consenting adults do. So all you can do is state your discomfort to your boyfriend and make a compromise on what is fair. Compromise suggestions:No more flirty messages, delete lovey-dovey text messages reserved exclusively for you to send him, and if that's too tough for him to do, he can expect you to be a lot friendlier with men you find attractive. This goes two ways.I don't suggest any angry confrontation toward your boyfriend nor that other woman. She wants to provoke you and she is aware of the fact you are witnessing her every action. These tactics are to do exactly what's happening to you. You become insecure, uncomfortable, and discord will result in your relationship.A lady-friend of mine did something once in a social setting with several of our friends present. One of the females on the fringe of our group liked sending pics and messages to her boyfriend. He felt weird and awkward; but never hides anything from her. It's tough for a guy to tell a female to stop flirting. Really, it is. She'll think he's gay.She politely mentioned: "It seems you might be a little lonely. I've noticed that you send my boyfriend quite a few text messages. He showed them to me and I think some are really cute. You should be more considerate about sending stuff to guys who have girlfriends. Some girls may get the wrong idea. I know this great dating site you might find useful? This cute guy over here is taken." They both turned red-faced. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and everyone returned to normal conversation. The other girl got the message and two other women in the group gave her a strange look. She was exposed and had to watch her behavior because she was now on notice. She actually sent her the website address that night to her smartphone.This may be a bit dramatic; it was a last resort, because he didn't know how to address the issue. He just didn't respond to them, but they just kept coming. Suddenly,they stopped coming to his cell phone, and no more pictures. She still visits his Facebook page, but she messages the both of them as friends.Lighten up a bit. Don't be consumed with jealousy when nothing is going on. You wouldn't want to have a boyfriend that wasn't attractive to anyone but you. Now would you?If you're an attractive girl, think about all the times he saw guys watching you walk away. Looked down at your bosom,or went totally out of their way to be a gentlemen toward you. Did you tell them to get lost? How many guys have you friended on Facebook? They're just friends. Right?
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