A
female
age
30-35,
*ylph
writes:Hi everyone. Please bear with me and try to read this, or at least most of this, because I need some objective advice. I am a nineteen year old girl and I have been dating my bf for a year. We see eachother once a month although he lives 15 minutes away due to the fact that he wants to study all the time and progress. Lately I felt how neglected I was. He has told me before that I'm not his priority, but economy is(he studies economy). When we fight over the fact that I have a couple of good harmless male friends, he forgets all the sacrifises I make, and makes me feel like a selfish b****. I have always tried to stay out of his way so that he could study, and as a result, I have been taken for granted and am now expected to do most of the work in this relationship. I am unhappy, and I am resentful...I cannot seem to forgive him for past mistakes that involve completely ignoring me, giving another girl roses on valentines and lying about some part of that, asking his mom to interrogate my neighbors about my family, in an attempt to fish out some dirt, his controlling insecure behaviour, his sublime unnoticable ways of manipulating me or putting me down, his refusal to give me his facebook password when he has mine, the bad way he treated me when we were friends, and the way he milked our friendship for all it was worth..I lost the spark, but I still somewhat love him, I don't know where our relationship is going, because I feel like I do not want to be committed to him. He wants to marry me and says he cannot live without me, but I am indecisive. When I remember some of the good times we had, and the money he spends on my occasional gifts, I feel guilty. But these are just materialistic stuff.. He will never acknowledge his mistakes, he does not see them as mistakes or flaws. I don't know what to do. I feel like a married woman, but i am still young, i feel the need to be set free, but i don't want to throw away what I've worked so hard on, yet I am miserable. Please help, and tell me am i selfish or wrong for wanting to let go and just give myself some attention for a change?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Sylph,
Yes I have some advice for you. You are not happy with your Boyfriend (committed relationship). You feel that the crush is not a serious long term prospect. You need to get your priorities straightened out.
Let me explain. The Boyfriend, manipulates you and makes you do things you don't want to do. He doesn't trust you. You keep secrets from him. He keeps secrets from you. He restricts your time with him.
The friend / crush, you share secrets with with him. You maintain the close ties to him at the risk of the other relationship. The friend is always there for you.
You think you know who you are in love with, but I can see clearly who you emotional ties are to, and it isn't the boyfriend.
This is what happened when you tried to break up. He turned on the water works and lied to you to keep you. You believed him. Then he started in with the rules again. You promised to accept his rules. You lied. You had no intention of keeping the rule.
Personally I don't think you should keep the rule but that isn't the point. The point is what kind of relationship has him manipulating you and you lying to him. This relationship has no future. His only good point is that he buys you gifts. The sad truth is that he hasn't been able to figure out in a whole year that gifts are not what you need.
I need to remind you that giving gifts is his number one love language, it is his preferred way to say "I love you". He bought a gift for someone else on valentines.
Your number one love language is time. You feel loved most when someone makes time for you. The Boyfriend just can't seem to figure this out. He focuses his time on getting you another present when all you want is the time.
Lot's to think about.
FA
A
female
reader, Sylph +, writes (16 March 2013):
Sylph is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Fatherly Advice, i tried to break up but he burst out crying saying how much he loves me and begging for a second chance. I gave him one. He says i never clearly told him what i feel, and he said the reason he wanted to work so hard on his major was to build a future for us. He admitted that his financial state was downhill, and that he had to actually walk to college to save up for my birthday gift;( i confessed to him drinking alone with a male friend, and he forgave that but banned me from seeing my friend. Another problems, i had started developing feeling for that friend, because he was always there for me when i was sad because of my bf, and i told that friend, but i regret that because i know that friend was just a crush and could never replace my bf, nor could he sacrifice that much for me. Now, what to do about my friend, i trust him, but should i tone down the friendship ? I told my bf i would stop texting him but i didnt because i trusted him with a lot of things and i care about him as a friend, any advice?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 March 2013):
Sylph,
Relationships end every day, for any number of reasons. The best reason to end a relationship is abuse. You may not think you are in an abusive relationship, because there is no physical violence. His behaviors are pretty typical for an emotional abuser. The controlling your access to friends, constant accusations, restricting your access to him, low priority to the relationship, but most importantly telling you that he can not live without you. Even more than his manipulation is how you feel. You feel like an abused person. You are afraid to leave, you feel trapped, you feel guilty, these are not the feelings of a married woman.
Part of your reluctance to break up is the investment you have made. You are justifiably proud that you have reached the one year mile stone, and it seems a shame to let it all go. With your limit of once a month contact your relationship is really only about 3 months mature. You have put a years emotion into it, but he hasn't. In fact the roses on Valentines are the big indicator that regardless of his words about marriage, he is not committed to you. Even if the other woman was his mother (and I do have reason to suspect that) He should have sent you enough more to make you sure of your place. The message is clear to me you are third place in his life.
You are not wrong to want to feel happy in a relationship. Your instinct to protect your self from abuse is not selfishness, it is self preservation. As I see it you should end the relationship to protect yourself. Don't look back.
FA
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