A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, thank you for reading this and hopefully you can give me dome advice. I think I am too close to see the truth anymore.I have been seeing my boyfriend for 5 years now. We had a very rocky start partly because of our 15 year age difference ( I am 56, he is 41), and also because we work at the same company., in different locations but I am a manager and he is a technician. Our relationship is a secret for work and I have yet to meet anyone in his family,. He has met my daughter and my family. We do not do holidays together, he goes his way, me mine. A few years ago he became catholic. I supported him and even converted myself, for me tho, not him. We get along great, talk openly and honestly. Two years ago he told me he joined the church to find a good catholic woman to have a family with. That crushed me. He said he didn't find her tho. But I began to push away because I can not have children anymore. A year ago I asked him to be honest with me, did he want kids. Yes he said. So I pushed him away and told him to do on-line dating. He was upset and we continued to see each other but as friends. He said he didn't want to date anyone and kept joking that we should get married. I told him no because he will regret it as he still talked about having kids and a "stay at home " wife. That is not me. About 4 months ago he told me he was on-line and he had been dating. Fine, so was I and I told him I had. All of the sudden he is pushing me to get married as he can't seem to find anyone on-line or at his church that he gets along with or who is interested in him. I feel like I am the 2nd choice. The backup plan. I also feel like he will resent me. He wants me to quit my job and because he would be teased about being with a manager (is this a big deal guys) he wants to quit his job and work for a different company where they don't know me.Okay, as I write this, it become more clear to me that I am crazy to stay. Can someone please give me some clarity? Am I the back-up plan? Is he being ridiculous in quitting his job? Has he not introduced me to his mom because he is embarrassed of my age and situation that I can not produce grandchildren? What would you do? Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all of you, thank you. None of you offended me. Mostly you reinforced what I already knew. None of you worry, I will Not quit my job because as wiseowle says, it is my choice and place in life that I earned.
You all were so generous of your time in responding, thank you. I have made the choice to leave him and sever ties. I just needed your sanity to whack some clarity to my head!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2015):
 Are you serious? He wants you to quit your job so you can act like HIS notion of a "good catholic wife" ? And when it doesn't work out, and he leaves you will be unemployed and not financially able to take care of yourself.
To me that also seems like he wants to isolate you further. Now you have work, family and friends. And he wants to cut of the work part - YOUR income, which would mean YOU would have to rely 100% on him for everything. For gas money to go anywhere, for money to buy your food, your clothes, get your hair done, buy your daughter presents or help her out...
He seems very immature for a guy in his 40's. And I agree with Ciar, you are not a second choice or backup plan, you are the last resort desperation "I HAVE to get married" choice. And honestly WHO what to be that?
I'm sorry, but I would drop him like a hot rock and cut the contact, I would not even stay "friends" with him.
There are so many red flags, so many reasons to end it. And barely any good things going on here.
YOU need to wrap your head around the fact that YOU deserve more then this.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 November 2015):
 Back up plan? You're more like a last resort. And the problem is him, not you (except maybe as a reflection of something lacking in yourself that you would invest in this guy). I don't think he's a suitable man for any woman to marry.
The problem is he is way too concerned with his image. He wants a TRADITIONAL Catholic wife because he assumes she'll submit to staying at home, squeezing out one kid after another (and raising them herself) while he enjoys perks of being the family patriarch.
His sense of identity comes from what he thinks others think of him. He's very insecure and he's got something to prove. We can expect this sort of thing in a man half his age, but at 41? It's a bad sign.
He lacks character and maturity and he takes away from the quality of your life. He's not even ideal friend material I'm afraid.
What would I do? I'd leave him behind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): Choosing a religion is based on your beliefs and wanting a close personal-relationship with God. One you'll maintain regardless of who you're dating at the time. Even when husbands and boyfriends come and go, God is always there.
If a guy says he wants kids. Never let go of that. He means it, but will say anything you want to hear to get what he wants from you. If he has had difficulty finding a suitable match; then I concur that he is falling back on you as Plan B. Mature, attractive, smart, stable, and earning a good living. Proposing it,doesn't even mean he really wants to marry you. I wouldn't take that seriously, if I were you! I don't care how much he repeats it. Actions speak louder than words, and I think it's mostly flattery. No slight on you, or how attractive you may be. You know him, I don't. You came here for an objective opinion, and this is mine.
Why would he suddenly forgo all of his plans about a wife and kids; and just decide, okay you'll do? Sounds like he's giving-in to frustration, if you ask me! Knowing full well you can no longer bear children; and not likely to adopt any at your mature age, or at this point in your career.
You've earned your place. A stay-at-home mom was not in your career-plan! He's thinking in terms of a younger female; who can take time-off and go back to work. You had best keep that in mind!
No woman at any age should be expected to give up a career to stay home; because he expects her too. That is a chauvinistic attitude, and you should be offended by it. You just shrugged it off, like it's nothing. It says much about his attitude and values. He won't even introduce you to his family! That speaks volumes for me! You are no one to be ashamed of, or to hide. At work, there are justifiable professional reasons to be discreet.
Enjoy his friendship for whatever it's worth, but don't set your hopes and dreams on this guy. Consider him a fling that has settled into friendship. Your futures are destined to go in different directions. I think you're wise and mature enough to already know this. I'm just writing what you already know. I hope I haven't offended you in any way!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (15 November 2015):
 Religion is a touchy subject, particularly with all the fundamentalists in all sectors of faith.
I am deeply suspicious of anyone who dramatically alters his life for religious reasons.
I think the question I would put to him is: "Are you prepared to leave the Catholic Church for me?"
It seems to me that the Church is what has come between you. He has some idiotic idea that a Catholic wife will make him happier than you. And he has gone in search of this illusion, and found nothing.
Now is the time for him to come down to Earth. He can commit to you, or the Church - not both.
And don't give up your job. That is your lifeline. It is your security and it may be your future.
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