A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it real or is it craziness?I have dated this man off and on for many years. The first few years, we only went out a couple of times, and I didn't think he was really interested in me. But he kept in touch with me. He always told me that he was very attracted to me and he has said that he loves me. We have been intimate a few times, I thought it would be all he wanted from me, and that he'd disappear after that. But he hasn't.Well, I was offered a job that I couldn't refuse in another state. When he found out, he seemed devastated. I suggested that he move with me, but he said his family (mom, dad, son, etc.) are there, and that he can't move. I have moved and have been living in the new state for about 7 months now. He still periodically contacts me asking when I will move back. He tells me he misses me and that he is so attracted to me. So that is where we're at right now. I feel like I need to keep my current job instead of moving to be with him, at the same time, I feel that he is the love of my life! I adore this man! I wish he would move to be with me! Am I doing the right thing by putting my career before him? Do you think that he really loves me? Please feel free to give me any advice, and or thoughts. Thank you!!
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 November 2015):
 Here are a couple of links that should put to rest any lingering doubts you may have about choosing your career over a man. I realise that your guy is not a cad like one of the men here, but as you can see if and when things do go south, it's even more important to be able to rely on yourself.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-have-a-job-and-my-husband.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-husband-abusive.html
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 November 2015):
You're very welcome.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just that he hasn't done anything extraordinary or made any huge sacrifices for you.
He has to make the best decisions for himself and if he wouldn't be happy relocating to be with you, then he shouldn't do that, but nor should you. If you have to make big sacrifices for someone it means you're not compatible.
Best of luck. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2015): Thank you for all your answers. It is clear that there is a consensus that he hasn't done as much as he should have, that is a big part of the reason why I accepted the job offer in a different state. From reading your answers, I feel much better with my decision of choosing a great career opportunity over this guy. Thank you again!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2015):
 You two have been on and off for YEARS - so while he might adore you and care for you... I see nothing that shows him really making an effort, it's all put on you.
Yes, I get it - he has family there, a son so he wants to stay in the area. Fine. But does that area give YOU a chance to do things in life YOU want to do? Career-wise? Personal growth? He should prioritize his son. But that leaves you #3 or lower. After his child, his family, HIM etc. And do you really think that is fair?
What is he really offering here? NOTHING. He misses you. OK. That is nice. But in the 7 months has he tried to come visit?
And add to the fact that you two seem to have been on and off.. so it's not a working relationship. It's a I want to be with you.. but not long term, just for a while.
Whenever I hear of relationships where the people involved are on/off I see an unhealthy and oddly codependent relationship where neither TRULY moves on, and issues are never really dealt with. When it gets tough, the people either run or hide or both. You both stay out of familiarity and the "fear" of being alone.
You are 36-40 and possibly WANT something solid when it comes to a partner. And he isn't really it.
Life is a series of choices. Some feel "made" for us and we have little say, others? not so much, them WE get to choose. It consists of compromises as well. But not ONE partner doing ALL the "yielding" and the other making ALL the choices.
Let's say you take a pay cut and go back, ONLY to be in the "OFF-again" with him after a few months.. HOW do you think you will feel? Regret that you didn't put yourself first? Like him?
I see no real benefit (for you) in you giving up a career and moving back.
What about your dreams? Your hopes? Maybe you should try and make yourself your #1 priority.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): This guy tells you how attracted he is to you, but hasn't made any serious move to commit to you. You adore him? Seems your adoration overlooks the fact that he hasn't suggested that you be a serious and committed couple. He just likes having you emotionally available to tap into when he's lonely, or his social-life has a deficit.
Why do I get this huge impression that you're just "waiting?"
Waiting for him to make some suggestion that you be his woman, and become a solid and long-term figure in his life? He just seems to be happy with your "availability." Your move to invest in your future and to follow your career was very wise. You went for the sure thing. He is not a sure thing. He is an immature male, who takes advantage of opportunity; as long as he doesn't have to sacrifice anything emotionally or personally.
Stay in-touch, but withdraw your romantic-attachment. It's an act of futility. You will always carry the torch, but you'll never win the metal. He's a grown man. He made his choice. To stay put, be with his family, and you're the one who has to make the sacrifice. Give-up your financial security, take a cut in pay; just because he likes you? But not enough to make you his girlfriend, or even to budge one inch closer to be near you? You are struggling with whether you should have chosen your career over sticking around for him?
My question is, for what?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): Personally, I think you're doing the right thing. He can't expect you to ignore great opportunities when he hasn't committed to you in anyway.
If you were living together, or engaged then I'd say something different but you need to put yourself first and not let this man dictate your future when the relationship is on/off anyway.
It could be a blessing in disguise! You're in a different state now, and there's nothing stopping you from finding someone worth your time who will want to make a life with you. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 November 2015):
I have to agree. He hasn't gone out of his way for you. He hasn't given up anything, but is still, even now, hanging his hopes on you giving up what you want for him.He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary here. He's made no great leaps. His reasons for staying are more important to him than moving to be with you. I think he's entitled to make that choice for himself, but he shouldn't expect you not to make the same one for yourself.In my opinion, you did the right thing. I've never heard any woman anywhere look back on her life and think giving up what she wanted for a man was worth the price.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 November 2015):
 What happens if you decide to move, marriage? Living together? Full on commitment of some sort?
How often has he said he loves you? Has he been to visit you in the past 7 months? Is he committed to you, or does he just want you to move back so that you are convenient to him?
I know it sounds selfish but what you need to be asking is "what's in it for me?" and "what reward do I get for doing what he wants?"
Based on what you have told us I feel the best thing you can do is continue to build your career, it doesn't sound like he is committed to anything long term with you.
...............................
|
