A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has 2 teenagers that live with their mother most of the time, they play their mother and father against each other quite often and pretty much only contact their father to ask for something. I get that this is teenagers as I have had my own! My problem with the situation is that I am the only one working at the moment (hopefully not for long) and while I have always said 'our' money, my bf promises to do things with them that cost quite a bit of money then afterwards tells me what he has told them. Just feel that I should be consulted first especially when its just treats and not necessities. I also feel he gives in with a bit of whining from them, and is trying to be a friend more than a parent, its like he cant say no to them and I always end up feeling like the bad guy when I say we cant afford it. Have tried talking to him about this before but its just slipped back into the same situation again, dont know what to say that will make him stop and think rather than just give in without coming across like i'm whining about his children. any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): OP ignore it. I don't understand why you feel bad at all. He's the one making promises, he's the one not fulfilling them, he's their father and you have your own teens to pay for and take care of. You have nothing to feel bad about.
But it kind of sounds like you have one extra teen to take care of in him.
Don't talk to him, just stay out of his business with his kids. You owe them nothing and you don't make such promises to your kids OP.
Stop worrying, you say he gives in too easily to their demands and that they're working him over a bit as teens do, so why would you feel in any way bad about not helping them to do that?
Stop feeling bad OP it's his job to raise his kids, his job to pay for them and he should damn well get a job to help do that. End of story.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): "I always end up feeling like the bad guy when I say we cant afford it.""We" can't afford it is inaccurate; since you are not married you and he have no joint assets and since he isn't working he has no income, so "he" can't afford it."while I have always said 'our' money, my bf promises to do things with them that cost quite a bit of money then afterwards tells me what he has told them."If he keeps spending "our" money on his kids without your prior consent, then it's time to start saying it's "your" (singular) money and put all your money in individual accounts. "dont know what to say that will make him stop and think rather than just give in without coming across like i'm whining about his children. any ideas?"Nothing you can say that will make him stop and think, but you can do something that will make him stop giving in: cut him off financially. You have no legal or moral obligation to provise any financial assistance to spoiled teenagers to whom you are a legal stranger (not related by blood, marriage or adoption).If your boyfriend is trying to buy his brats' affections to compensate for his shortcomings as a father, then he should get a job and you should start charging him for his half of household expenses. If a spineless, irresponsible father is the type of guy with whom you want to spend your life, then that's your problem.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 he's being what we call "a Disneyland dad" but promising things he can't deliver...
Perhaps you could ask him to use the words "I will check and see if we can afford it"
It's hard to tell kids no.... especially kids you don't have custody of and want to please.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 February 2013):
 WHY, oh WHY would YOU feel like a "bad guy?"
You have described a classic situation of someone taking advantage of someone else (him taking advantage of you).... AND he can only do so WITH YOUR CONSENT!!!!!
YOU have a serious decision to make. DO YOU stay and remain his wallet? ... or, do you recognize this man-child for what and who he is, and make an ADULT decision to extricate yourself from this unfair/untenable (and EXPENSIVE!) arrangement??????
Make you best decision. Good luck....
P.S. Please don't offer the "... but I LOVE him..." justification.... because LOVE is a two-way street... and the man you described DOESN'T love you.......
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