A
female
age
36-40,
*ily888
writes:Hi guys,2 weeks ago I discovered my bf had a rather intimate relationship with a female friend/work colleague. They did not have sex, but he asked her to send him provocative messages, which is how I found out - through an accidental email that had her calling him 'master' while referring to herself as 'good girl' and joking about visualizing his private parts. Hurt, I emailed the girl (we'll call her T), who in turn emailed my bf with angry messages about how she had no idea about me. My bf at first denied knowing what she was talking about and tried to salvage the solution (more like protecting his own pride) by emailing her, but lied about various things - like us being together before they had met and we had broken up, etc etc. We've never broken up and we've been together for 5 years, though 2 years were long distanced. He also told her that they could email through another email. She refused (good for her). I discovered this and called him out and we had another fight (apart from the first one that happened right after I found the emails). He apologized to me and said that T meant nothing to him. That he was just using her for work purposes and was worried that she wouldn't do what he wanted if she knew that he wasn't single. I know that she was completely deceived by him and that she was just as furious about the fact that he had lied about me and all the while being somewhat suggestive to a relationship but that it was probably impossible because she wasn't a Christian. Ironic, no? A Christian being a liar for his own gain? I started an email between the three of us to get it all out. My bf told her that he would chose me and to me, he said that T never had a chance. He also stated that he only asked her to send provocative messages because we had been fighting (I was under a lot of pressure and mental breakdown) and wanted attention and someone to control. He was very quick in trying to prove to me that he was loyal to me, but that one email that he sent AFTER pretending not to know anything about the situation makes me just feel like he's not being truthful. T has been extremely hurt because even though she admitted that they were not bf/gf, he had her doing his work. He said that she was never appealing (as in physically) to him, and that he thought he would hurt me if he told me about her as he was pretending to be single - well I think that it's more hurtful that he kept it from me. He's done this before - as in use people for his own gain and yes, sometimes, by pretending he's single.Since then, we've gone back to our normal routine, but I feel like I'll never trust him again. Is it stupid of me to still be with him? It feels like an emotional affair to me even though he said it meant nothing. He's promised me that he wouldn't hide his relationship status anymore (something that he should have done from the beginning) and that he wouldn't pretend to be single to use people. Again, I don't know how to trust him again. He seems to be genuine (but he's also been able to deceive me and other people before) and has been much more attentive. In the past, he never really took me out and we never really went anywhere... which might be the first clue that he wasn't a great bf. I don't want to give up my relationship, but all my friends are worried for me. I feel like I should at least keep somewhat of a distance. I'm worried that he's going to keep secrets from me again and use people... I've always been a person who won't stand for affairs and I'm not dependent on him, so I could leave him - but it's always easy to say to leave him... it's a lot hard to do. He says he can't live without me. I care about him and our relationship, obviously, or else I wouldn't be writing this. I trusted him and now I can't... should I try to again? How should I proceed with this? I wish I could believe him... I feel like he's not lying to me anymore, but the fact that he DID makes the cracks of mistrust show up again every time I reflect on it. Should I just ignore the past and concentrate on the future? If I want to make this work... since it wasn't a physical affair and he keeps telling me that there was nothing with T and she didn't mean anything... what should I focus on? I'm trying to keep both of us happy because it seems to be working better than constant accusations and fights.I'd like honest inputs... I've gone through all the scenarios in my head and also chastised myself for being so easily duped. I'm also feeling pangs of guilt for the other girl, that I've destroyed her hope, her dreams and broken her heart by letting her know of my existence. However, I'm also hurt - my heart was also cracked, if it wasn't broken. My trust in him is in pieces and sometimes, to me - ignorance is bliss. Please, tell me... what would you do in this situation?Thank you for reading this. I'm in an emotional turmoil. I appreciate any and all answers.
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female
reader, jdd  +, writes (22 March 2011):
Dont look at the time you have invested and fear that it will be wasted if you leave. Think about the time lost staying with someone you dont trust. And I'm not saying this is your situation but 1. he (the cheater) rarely will ever admit that it went all the way unless he absolutely has to 2. For some crazy reason the girl who he cheats with often feels some strange sense of loyalty and will lie for him --- I think it is a last ditch effort to win him back or to keep him in her grips with the dirt she hasSome men do cheat and find their way back. It is far more that cheat and cheat and cheat. Personally, I dont think one time is acceptable. Why do you think it is okay for him to have treated you this way? I know you dont think it is okay but staying with him says otherwise. Dont listen to his words, dont live in fantasy or what you want it to be ---what are his actions? You should have absolutely no guilt for her. He is the one who brought her into your relationship and I think you shouldn't sell yourself short. I know --- but he is a good guy. I have two things to say to that ---well arent they all and is he really or are you just trying to minimize his bad and maximize his good to make it make sense to you that it is okay to be with him
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Hon, IMHO, this is not his first indiscretion. He has been doing this for a long time, and you have been blissfully unaware.
He will say ANYTHING to convince you that it is over, you are the one for him etc., etc. He will say he is sorry - the only part of him that is sorry is that he was caught not that he has destroyed your trust in him.
Trust, once broken is often never able to be repaired. You will always doubt what he says, and he will know if you 'forgive' him that he can carry on and do as he pleases.
Think very carefully if this is the type of relationship you want - always to be guessing whether he is faithful to you or not.
Even if he never had sex with her - he was still unfaithful - he has still CHEATED on you!!
If you would like to chat more - please PM me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I read this whole thing through, and before I get into it, I'll say that you're right. You can't trust him now. Your trust is in pieces, and that is exactly what your response should be.
I want to focus on a few other things you said. You said that the provocative messages referred to "master" and "good girl"? Also, you said that he does use other people and pretend to be single?
Let me ask this, and you don't have to answer. Does he have fetishes (bondage/domination or sadomasochism) that you know about and aren't into? Does he request that you do things (i.e. floggers, collars, tying up, etc.) like that?
I say this because you said your heart was "cracked", as if you weren't sure it had been broken all the way. Are these things you know about him? Is there something else that you're partially blaming yourself about?
You know what he is. He is a user. He is a liar, and your trust should be shattered. That being said, why do you want to remain in the relationship with him? He manipulates women like a sociopath does. How do you know that you're not likewise being manipulated?
Decide what you want out of a boyfriend. You say that you won't tolerate affairs, yet you're tolerating them now. He has a sex addiction, meaning he is either still doing things behind your back with different women, or he will be. When cheaters are caught, what they admit is usually only 1/4 of the whole truth.
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