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male
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*ickk
writes: My girlfriend and I are both 20, attend the same college and have been together for 2 years. The first time I met her we were both immediately attracted to each other; we were both very outgoing, funloving, loved to go out and have a good time and loved to fool around in the bedroom. However, I feel that in the last year, we have been changing and growing apart. We both attended the same college, however as I started meeting people and making friends , she isolated herself from anyone except myself and MY friends. We share different lifestyles, I enjoy going out, partying, drinking, smoking, etc etc, but I've resisted the temptation of other women because I was in a loving relationship, all the while she would either tag along and be bored or mope around her room (she moved out from her roommate to live alone).Recently its gotten even worse, I spend every day with her but cannot spend a night out with the guys without her calling me and pouting me into ditching my friends for her. I really do love her but I feel like I'm loving her more as a friend and less like a boyfriend. I feel almost like her psychologist sometimes, helping her through her depressing times. She started this year living with some of her high school friends, but managed to isolate herself from them and moved out to her own apartment. We've discussed her social issues, she says she has trust issues and simply doesnt feel the urge to make friends of her own or talk to the ones she had from high school.I've seriously considered breaking up with her, but I would be too worried about her emotional state. I realized tonight that if she didnt have me and my friends, she would have absolutely no one here at college, and only her family back home. I would want to remain friends with her, but I have no idea the sort of relationship we'd have post breakup, especially if I started seeing other girls. The prospect of dating a happy fun-loving girl is exciting to me, I've tried to adapt her to my lifestyle but she can't, and I just dont know what to do. Please, anyone who has ever experienced this situation, and advice would be greatly appreciated.PS. I've read the advice that "its fairer to her to let her go if you dont love her as much as she loves you", but I feel like that can't apply to this situation.
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Nick,
I was once on the other side of this situation. I was the girl who was difficult to leave behind. Although it happened many years ago at university, it has continued to cause me pain throughout my life and remains one of my biggest regrets. It's only recently that I look back and realise what really happened.
At twenty, I relied very much on support from my bf at the time. He was my best friend and I felt (although mistakenly!) that I had no-one else, neither friends nor family, to turn to. When he realised that he didn't truly love me as I wanted him to, it was difficult for him to leave me, because he cared for me very much and was worried about how I would be. When he did finally do so, we remained very close. It was as if we hadn't broken up, although officially we had. Our friendship continued for years in this state. It was only five years later, when he got a new gf, that we finally did go our separate ways. And all of this time it was very painful to have him so close and yet so far. And when true separation did come, it broke my heart over and over again.
What I regret is relying so much on this one person for all of this time. He was my soulmate and my guardian, my confidante and my hero. And I felt safe and secure, but it was a false security, because we were not destined to be together. I regret the fact that the situation was so difficult for him - I should have made it easier. I regret that I clung to him. And I understand now that it would have been better for both of us if we had had a cleaner break to begin with. This man was a very good man and he listened to my pleas of needing his friendship and support and gave both to me for a long time.
However worried you may be about this girl's emotional state, the thing is that ultimately her life is her responsibility and she has to figure out how to cope. You'd be surprised out how strong people can be and how they do pull through. This girl needs to find friends and happiness apart from you. It will be better for her to find this before she settles down with one person - to find trust in many people and confidence in herself.
So as awful as the prospect looks, and as difficult as it is, I can only say that if you no longer feel the same about your gf, then you have to cut the ropes. Know that it is *not* your fault, and that she is going to have to figure out how to cope *without* you. You owe it to yourself to go look for what *you* need and want in life.
I'd suggest trying to distance yourself as much as possible - at least in the short to medium term - so that if you do return to being friends it will be on a less intense level. When you end the relationship, is it possible that you call up some of her old roommates and school friends and tell them that you are worried for her? Perhaps they can help support her through this. You won't be the best shoulder for her to cry on. Perhaps you could also try to get your gf to go to counselling? She's going to have to work out in the long term that its good to get strength from a variety of sources and not just one. And if the only way she can learn this is the hard way - as I did - then its better that its a short process then prolonging it out over years and years.
I wish I had an easier option to give you. I really just don't think there is. Your kind heart means that the best route for you to take will be painful to you. I can only tell you that I believe that one day she will understand.
Sally
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