A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i dont reall know where to start, have been with my long distance boyfriend for a few years now, we usually get to see each other at weekends if not then fortnightly.he has cheated once in the past, it was the first time i had been cheated on, it hurt but we stayed together.i went to stay at his the weekend gone, and while i was there i used his pc to book my train ticket home and check my emails.his hotmail was open and i took a look :( (i took a look because i have felt something is not right for a while between us and he has been acting distant and very posessive with his mobile)i saw emails which were to work colleagues, the ones to men were just normal, but all the ones to women were flirty like "hey get me a coke when you pass and i may take my top off for you" , and to another " hi gorgeous you fancy working with me tonight? unless you are going to the gym but you have no need", there were alot more.he never gives me compliments, or acts flirty with me, yet its easy for him with other people.the weekends i spend with him and his son, (i get along great with his son) he is always putting him down or sarcastic with him, and now he is beginning to do the same to me, he says things like " you two are thick as thieves" and "im not trying to explain to idiots".if we go out he tends to be less conversational than he used to be, no hand holding and just looks plain bored as if his mind is somewhere else.my birthday is on saturday, i had planned to go to his, but unfortunately i do not have the money for tickets as it has fell on a week where i need to pay out alot of money, i told him this yesterday and all he said was "oh alright" there was no hint of any dissapointment, no nothing. there has been loads of other things, too many to list, so when i heard him say that, i felt tipped over and let it all out, i told him how he had no concern for us, how i got nothing from him on an emotional level, no compliments no interest anymore from his part.just as i finished he cut me off the phone without saying anything back to what i had said. he rang back ten minutes later, said that i am going to break us up if i carry on as i am. i dont usually do that but it all had come to a head, and now i feel that aslong as i say nothing he is ok but soon as i say what im unhappy about he doesnt like it.since we have been together, on my first birthday he was cheating and spent the night with a married woman and sent me a CD through the post and a card, last birthday he spent the day with me but never acknowleged it and claimed that he did not know (although my mother popped in with a card and said happy birthday in the same room as us, and i had told him two weeks earlier), this birthday he said that he would take me away for the weekend, he said that a month ago, but changed that to me going to his and having a night out, but now he said that he doesnt have the money, (fair enough) but i just hoped for some niceness anything.we can be sitting in at his just watching a movie or something, if we sit together (sometimes he chooses a chair) he doesnt pull me close to snuggle up, i would lie against him but he doesnt put his arm around me or anything, he cuddles me in bed and says he loves me but it only feels like words to me now, theres is no actions to back it up.i text him late last night and just asked him if he wanted us to be together, i was prepared for a no, and he said that he wanted us to be together, that if he thought otherwise it would be so easy to say no because of the distance between us.how can he be so nice to other people, show interest in them and be jolly, yet with me and his son (who has confided in me many times)be cold?is it worth me staying around, i always hope it will get better.to be fair on his part, he does take me and his son for days out, usually its me who pays though, and he does things like send me articles from newpapers that he thinks i would be interested in.i have met a few of his friends, all men, never any of his women friends, and if they call him about work he either arranges to call them back or walks away to talk, maybe i am paranoid but i believe its because they do not know about me.any outside opinion would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, robinp93401  +, writes (22 October 2009):
There are, in my eyes, a LOT of red flags here. I don't know about his past relationships, but you might be too perfect for him. Please don't get offended when I say this, I have a point. He might not be a "long term relationship person" but you seem very sweet and understanding so you're not giving him any REAL reason to end the relationship, and he knows this. When you DO verbalize your concerns, which seem to be very minor to me, he turns it into something much bigger. Plus, there is his son. The fact that his son and you get on so well IS a factor. I'm sorry to say that I think he wants to have his cake and eat it to. I think he does care for you and love you, who wouldn't? But something is pulling him away. You're not pushing him away, so don't think that. He knows he can always count on you, that you'll always be there for him and his son. Maybe, and I say this with trepidation, you need to take a break from him. It seems that he's pushing for YOU to end it because he can't because he has no valid reason to. Please, take a deep breath and really THINK about this relationship. You deserve to get back just as much as you put in. That's easy for me to say, right? I'm not there and I don't know you but I feel for you. When you really love somebody it's SO hard to give up, we just keep trying and trying to our own detriment. I hope I have been of SOME help and I really wish you all the best :)
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 October 2009):
Never just hope that things will get better. Make them better. You need to seriously talk to this guy about where this relationship is going. It sounds to me like he's not interested in you as much as you would like. You know you deserve someone better than this. A man's love can be measured in his actions! When a man is in love, he does something to show it! This guy isn't doing anything. I think you can do better.
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