A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been in a relationship for 5 years. it was a complicated one but we loved each other despite all odds. Since begining of this year, we have been fighting over varoius things. Anyway as a person, he is very egostic. Most of the time, he doesnt call back after an argument. I am the one who calls back. Anyway though i felt that he also should make an attempt, he hardly did but there were times he did as well. Having said that i must say that he is very nice guy who has been very supportive of me. Since about 2 months ago, I have been noticing that he is on very long calls and when questioned he said that it is work related things and nothing else. I kept asking whether he has anything to do someone and he kept denying. He always that he is not cheating on me or anyone else and that he doesnt hav to do that. but my suspicion was increasing and i felt he was getting really agitated about it. In fact he kept telling me that this suspicion will kill me someday. I have never been like this before. Anyway two weeks ago, we met and he came after a meeting. At that point, I found out that he has put his phone on silent and when i asked he said he didnt. Then later he said it would been from the meeting time cos put it on slient then. But i really lost as the worries that were bottled up, just came out. We had physical fights as well but i must admit that I initiated it. After that i didnt go to call him for 5 days and nor did he. Then i called him and said that we need to meet and discuss and he said that there is nothing left for us to talk that we cannot continue like this. I know deep down that he loves me though. Anyway he has been avoiding me ever since. He answers when he wants and at time doesnt. He gives various excuses saying that he has lot of issues in office and so on. For some reason i feel he is avoiding me. At one time he sais that this is over and so. I asked for a chance to meet to personally apologise for that behaviour that day but he is really avoiding me. I am so hurt. What should I do??? Should I let him be?? What does mean??? I am so confused.. Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 October 2011):
Hi. Part of the problem here, might be that after 5 years you are wondering if the relationship is going anywhere.
By that, I mean whether it's going to progress into marriage, eventually.
No-one could blame you for that, as after 5 years - or even 2 years - most people would be hoping for some kind of sign that there was a long-term future in store for you.
Has there ever been any talk by him, about the future?
And if not, well then it's no wonder you have some grave concerns about the security of the relationship, with him making long phone calls. Even though there is every likelihood that the calls were actually business phone calls.
The reason I suggest that they were work related, is because if they weren't, there would usually be a lot of secrecy around the calls. For instance, he wouldn't be on the calls talking in front of you. He'd go off into another room of the house and talk there, where he knew you couldn't hear what he was saying.
So because he didn't do that, it seems then that what he said to you - that it was work related - was the actual truth.
Perhaps a bigger part of the problem here, is more about not knowing where the relationship is going. The uncertainty you have, and wondering if you are wasting your time.
It's entirely possible.
And then the doubts you have when he is talking on his phone for extended periods of time, so you are assuming he might be talking to another woman. And the lack of trust that comes as a result of the doubts you already have.
Sometimes, it's necessary that you do trust people completely, so unless he starts doing very out of character things - for him - and going out all the time without you and treating you badly, you really need to do the best you can to start trusting that what he tells you IS the truth.
It will get easier, with time.
He might be feeling the pressure of you wanting to know what's happening. Even though you might never actually ask him about the future, at some level he probably feels that that's what is behind all this insecurity.
And especially, the more time that goes by and him not bringing up the subject of marriage.
And the only way for you to stop thinking about where it's going, is to keep yourself busy - work, going out and socializing, and perhaps some interesting hobbies.
From what you are saying, it doesn't sound like you live together, so this could be to your advantage. Because it gives you more freedom to do your own thing.
I guess it also really depends on what you ultimately want from the relationship, doesn't it?
For instance, do you just want to keep on going out with him and nothing happens - no marriage, no happily ever after?
Or, do you believe you could actually spend the rest of your life with him and being totally happy?
And while we're on the subject, how do you honestly feel about him?
- Do you totally accept him for who he is?
- Do you generally get along well with each other?
- Do you sometimes go out to nice places together, and enjoy each other's company?
- Does he treat you well and with respect and dignity?
- Does he consider your feelings when he talks to you?
Often the key to resolving relationship issues, is to look at the things you argue about.
Just think about what you have argued about recently.
Because what two people fight about inside a relationship, is usually at the very core of any issues either of the couple is having with the other person.
So in any idle time you have, have a think about what he's argued about with you, and what you have argued about with him.
Perhaps one of you have had issues with the other, and the other's issues were partly related to that - like a difference of opinion.
These are all clues.
A typical thing to consider here is:-
(1) What does he mostly complain about to you?
(2) What do you mostly complain about to him?
Does it always seem to be about the exact same things?
Then you will have all you need to know, to move forward from here on in.
It's certainly a good starting point.
Still though, as I was saying before, DO NOT initiate any further contact with him.
Let him be the one to initiate contact.
And in the meantime, you need to simply get on with living your life and enjoying yourself to the full.
You also will need to be very patient and allow time for him to contact you first. No matter how long that takes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right. Life is a gamble. I truly love him and if he wants me to leave him alone for now or even forever, that is what I will do cos it hurts more to realize that the man I love is rejecting me. Though it is torturous, I will leave it god to decide cos it is beyond my control now.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 October 2011):
Hi. That sounds like wise words, and I believe it's your best course of action.
By your not contacting him, it gives you more control than you realize.
I also think he will appreciate it if you give him that space.
Then, he won't feel under pressure by you to be in contact with you every single day.
When the pressure is off him, he'll be a whole lot more relaxed, and things will flow much more smoothly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks alot for your feedback. No this isnt a distance relationship. I totally agree with what you have said. I told myself this time that i will really leave him alone. It is killing me. I dont know whether i have lost him forever and that thought itself is killing me but I know this is what I have to do now cos forcing myself on him wont prove anything instead i would be pushing him further away from me. Also, I dont want to keep a man by force cos it will never work. Only time will tell.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 October 2011):
Hi there. This isn't a long distance relationship, is it?
I say this because you say about arguments, and then he didn't call you after. So I was wondering.
Anyway, regardless of this, I would suggest that you DO NOT contact him anymore.
Give him some space and let the dust settle a bit.
Let him contact you instead. It sounds like he needs some thinking time.
And by space, I mean no emails, no texts, no phone calls. No contact whatsoever.
Give him a reasonable amount of time to get back to you - a week or two, even a month or two - and see what happens then.
If still no contact by him, well then DON'T initiate any further contact. Completely leave it up to him.
If you then were to contact him, it would make you look needy and desperate. And that could chase him right away from you, so you don't want that.
So for the moment, it's the waiting game for you.
In the meantime, don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call you. It will only make you frustrated and very unhappy.
Go and see your friends, go out with them and have fun and be happy.
And if it happens that he does call while you are out enjoying yourself, it will do him good to know that you won't be taken for granted. He probably needs to be taught a lesson.
And the other thing you need to do, is to learn to trust him.
If there is no trust in your relationship, eventually that suspicion you have, will come between you and will inevitably destroy it altogether. And you don't want that.
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