A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, I would very much appreciate your thoughts and advice on my current situation.I am a single mum of two. Recently I went on holiday with some girfriends and met a lovely man. He is a DJ and ten years younger than me, I am 33. We had a romance and it was lovely, we had a really strong, instant connection and a huge attraction though to be honest I never thought I would see him again and therefore did not tell him I had two children. When I got home he bombarded me with beautiful messages and tetxts saying how I had changed his life and that he had to see me again. I had not stopped thinking about him and so I thought it was best and fair to tell him the truth about myself. He told me he didn't care that I had children and that 'if you like the girl, then you like what comes with her.' I was touched and encouraged by this and so when he asked me to come back out to visit him I agreed. I said I could come two months later. During that time he kept in touch, though the texts were never as full on as they had been at the beginning and I wondered if maybe he was starting to think about the situation differently.I went to see him again two months later and we had an amazing few days together where we got very close and had lots of laughs and fun. He was attentive and we were still very sttracted to each other but I could not help but get the sense that he had stopped viewing me as a relationship option becuase of the circumstances. He told me he had been with other women during the two months we had been apart, which I understood, after all, we were not togther, but part of me felt that it would;ve been nice if he hadn't. He explianed that for him it was just sex. I did worry a little if maybe he was a bit of a player, although he never really came across this way towards me. When we said goodbye I felt very sad, perhaps more than him. He said he was 'philosophical' about it and would hang on to the thought that he would see me again and asked if he could come to see me in my country next month. I said he could.When I got home I messaged him and he messaged back thanking me for an amazing time and that he would never forget it. I replied saying it sounded like he was saying goodbye to me and he replied that no, he wasn't and that he wanted to see me again. But he sounded cooler than had had back in July when we first met. I asked him outright if it was just a holiday thing for him or if he saw anything more, because I didn't want to waste mine or his time, and I don't want to give my heart (or body) to someone who doesn't see that maybe there could be something more. I wasn't asking for any committment, no one can know the future, but I wanted to know if it was just a fling for him. He didn't really answer, kind of skirted the issue. He said that he didn't know what he could do for us and that he felt that when we are apart we have different lives but when we are together we feel the best things. This didn't really answer my question. I replied that I wasn't sure I wanted an occassional lover in my life. And he responded saying he could not change his life for me at this moment in time but that we must wait and see what happens, that we must know more about each other. I replied that this was true and that I wasn't asking for any promises, just to know what he was thinking. He then replied saying 'I think you like me too much and want me to change my life but I can't!'. I was pretty astounded by this and wrote back saying that I had never said I liked him too much, or that I had ever asked him to change his life for me and that this was a very arrogant thing for him to say!He massively backtracked after this and apologised saying he had got it wrong and that it was him who liked me too much. I let it go and gave him the benefit of the doubt.I didn;t hear from him for a few days and messages him and got no reply. So I wrote him a nice e-mail saying I guess it was just a holiday romance for him and that I was sad he didn't have the courage to tell me. He replied saying that this was not the case. I asked him if he still wanted to come and visit me (wish I hadn't as I was now worried to say anything nice in case he became all arrogant one me again!). He said yes he did but that he had lots to do first. It made me feel like i was chasing him and a bit needy that I had asked. But all I really want to know is if he sees more, the potential for a relationship. I don't want to see him again and not know if he is just using me, even in the nicest possible way. I do not want to get closer to him if in his heart he knows there will never be a potential future because a) I have children, live in another country, am older etc...I realise the odds are stacked logisticaly, but I believe that if you like someone and want to be with them then you will find a way. I just don't know what he wants or thinks. I know he likes me, or at least liked me, especially at first. When I told him I had children I said to him that I understood if he didn't want to persue anything further but he did. Now I am wondering if he is regretting that decision. The last conversation we had he said he wanted to come and see me and that's how we left it. I haven't heard from him since (about four days) and I haven't messaged him either. I don't want to come across as over keen, although I do really like him. I suppose in my heart I know that if he really wanted me he would be messaging me alot more and saying all the lovely things he did to me in the beginning. BUt maybe he is just scared like me? I don't know....what do you guys think? And should I message him in a few days if I don't hear from him?
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 I agree with majority that has been said..Also wanted to add from personal experience, Dj's happen to be skirt chasers. They can't be tied down with a relationship with their party lifestyle.
It's his turn to contact you, but if it's been 4 days I doubt you'll hear from him. I'd chalk this up as a fun fling, and get on with my love life.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 "tetxts saying how I had changed his life"
"He told me he didn't care that I had children and that 'if you like the girl, then you like what comes with her"
You were charmed. Others, including me, would have run for the hills. Why? Because it's just words. A real man doesn't give you just words, a real man will show you through actions. Big words like these are often a sign that he's got little to no action to support his words. This is proven by him not staying faithful to you, even if you weren't in a relationship. Come on, if you CHANGED HIS LIFE he'd give up all he had and move to you, propose and move in with you. Not stay at a holiday resort and have random casual sex with other women.
He's 23. That pretty much explains it all. He's young and immature, and definitely not showing you that you've changed his life. His life seems to go on pretty much like it did before you entered the stage. At this point you should have definitely seen the guy for what he is. But you were in love, love makes blind. In hindsight it is all so obvious.
He was never serious about you.
"When I told him I had children I said to him that I understood if he didn't want to persue anything further but he did." No, he didn't. He was all words all along, to get into your pants. He loved the attention you gave him, and I do not see anywhere in his actions that he took you seriously. When he said what he said, pursued you as you see it, all it meant to him was that he got to see you. He has made no thoughts about committing, being exclusive, meeting your family or children, move closer to you or have you move to him etc. He's where he is, and happy being there, and you are where you are and he's happy with that too. Of course it doesn't matter to him if you have children, because he never planned to be a part of their life. If he was serious about you he'd take the fact that you have children seriously as well, wouldn't he? Instead he just brushed the fact that you have children off like it was nothing at all.
This was a holiday romance and never anything more. And he's immature enough to not see his actions, or your actions, to mean anything other than casual sex. And, horribly enough, like he said sex is just sex to him.... Shouldn't that tell you a thing or two about how he sees you?
Quit pursuing him, you are already reading far more into this than it is, and he's ignorant to how he plays with your feelings. Because of his age. Find someone older who is upfront and can give you what you need.
Always look to a mans actions for the answers you seek, words without action is just empty words...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2011):
 He's 23 and working as a DJ in a holiday area, he claims all this love, yet can't keep it in his pants for 2 months knowing you are coming back for more...
Hmm, personally I would take it as a holiday romance, no more.
I would also stop contacting him. IF it meant more then a holiday fling to him, he will contact you. However, I wouldn't hold my breath or wait around for him to figure that out.
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