A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I am really confused and I am not sure if I should be hurt or not, move on or keep sticking it out. All this started about 7 months ago when I meet what I have to say is the perfect guy for me and everything I ever wanted. Problem from the being was he was 4 months out of a long-term relationship where he was in love but she cheated on him and left him for another guy. So, I understood and totally agreed to the take it slow. He did constantly tell me I was not a rebound once he told me what happened, and he has never had anyone treat him like I do. Which I found out from his friend that pretty much I am the complete opposite of his ex. She was needy, dependent on him, nagging all the time, a B_ _ _ _ and always told him what to do. I am always happy, never hurt anyone, always willing to help anyone out, and I am overly independent. He is aware of my independence, but does say it bothers him sometimes because he wants to help me like I do him, but I don't let him. The thing is he offers on the things I think are too big, like helping me pay for large expenses, or asking me to stay with him while I am in a moving phases. I am a person that I really, even on a temporary basis, do not want to live with the guy I am dating, but yes I do spend several nights a week with him. And, I don’t feel comfortable borrowing money from anyone, especially if I can manage it.The problem we have is life with him is continued roller coaster. Every time things are great and he goes weird. The most recent and most hurtful just occurred. I was going through a rough time he has been there and been really supportive. We had discussed and decided to spend this entire weekend together starting tonight. I told him about two weeks ago when he was wanting me to stay with him for a few months that he was invited over to my parents house for Thanksgiving. (by the way he has meet them before). This was mainly because his family is out of state and he was going to spend it by himself. Now he never once said whether he was going or not. Then yesterday he started asking me about plans for Thursday. This was because we had also said we were taking the dogs to a park that day. So he choose a park that is about 2 hours away. I told him that was fine, but could we leave early in the morning, so we could be there for 2-3 hours and then be back in time to go to my parents for dinner. He then told me he didn't think I was going to my parents and I was spending the day with him and the dogs. So, since I was going to my parents he rather go to a local park and then he did not want to go to my parents but stay home to do some research for a project he has December 12th. Not sure why he can't do it Saturday and Sunday (and no it personal not work related). Also, no it won't take him 3 days to do the research. So, I didn't respond to any of his e-mails and told him I wasn't spending the weekend with him. He then tried to make other plans with me and he wanted me to spend the weekend. Then he sent a couple of other e-mails and still I did not respond (normally I would have). Then he called me that evening to talk about the dogs and see if I had left early. I said no and he said well I sent you e-mails and you didn't respond did you get them and I just said yes. Of course, he didn't ask why I didn't respond. Then he wanted me to come over and I said no, and no I wasn't coming over last night, or today. Still he didn't ask why, only that he wanted me to come over and the dogs wanted to see me. I simply left it at kiss them and tell them I will see them Thursday morning to go hiking. I feel like he is always playing this push away and then pull back game with me. And I just don't understand. He wanted to take it slow, I agreed. But, anymore I just don't understand. He seems as though he cares, but then gets scared so he pushes me away, but then when I give into the push he starts pulling me back, like that isn't what I want. I have told him before about him pushing me away, he says that is not at all what he is trying to do and doesn't want me to leave. He says he just wants to go slow and still have some time to himself since he didn't have much time between his last relationship and us. Again, I understand.But thing is, will it ever stop? Does he care (no he is never lied and has never dated anyone else, and drunk told me he loved me, which I never brought up). Again, I just don't know if I should continue to give him time and space and be there when he wants me to be, which is the majority of the time. I don't know I guess I know he cares, and I do care about him, but I am tired of the roller coaster and just don't seem to know how to make it stop. Although it is improving, it was once a month, but before this one it was over two months ago. I just don’t know how slow is too slow. Should I understand about him not wanting to eat dinner at my parents for Thanksgiving, and when he does the push way and pull back. Should I give into both like I had before, or be more like I am now, which you push and I staying pushed and not give into the pulling back. I just hate games, and I hate more now that I am actually playing them.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (26 November 2008):
 Game players can't help playing games and there is nothing you can do to change that. You will always be on the roller-coaster with him. Maybe that's why she was a bitch. Guys like that don't know fact from fiction and he probably drove her to insanity.
A lot of men are unable to deal with intimacy and nothing a woman does will help that. If you love him you will have to deal with this as long as you know him and not take it personally and don't play into it.
From what you say, having him go with you to be with your family isn't a good idea. He isn't ready for commitment at this point. Let him go and wait longer than you think you should wait before giving him another chance. Otherwise you are establishing a bad habit that gets harder and harder to break.
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