A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Not quite sure where to start. I'm a married man of just over a year. I love my wife but gradually I am finding we have sex less and less. Even when we do it is mostly planned and always unadventurous (spelling?) I find myself making up fantasies about other women (who I may or may not know) to "releave myself" for want of a better phrase.My questions are: what should I do? and Does this mean I don't love her enough to have these thoughts?
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male
reader, warriorsheart  +, writes (1 December 2008):
I have to say this to both women and men,when you start out dating someone you should never present this hot momma, hot daddy personna. When you come off that way thats what you get. To say all of a sudden I want romance doesnt make the tide change. When you start out jumping the man that is what he gets used to, and the same with men if you start out buying her this and that, and doing sexual things that is what she will expect. You ask for what you want not just assumes someone knows you, they didnt create you? No I do not feel it means you do not love your wife, but I do feel that something has changed from where it once was, and you need to treat it like I had to do a laptop about a year ago. Rebooted the entire system and got it back to where it was when I got it. That way you can be how you truly want to be from both ends and not have it to where you are just doing something to get one another. Put it in one of these two ways "If you don't like the restaurant why bring someone else there" or " Who likes bland meat? Think about this; Have you ever bought a burger etc.. and then saw a commercial on television of some other food item and it made you look at your burger like man I shouldve got that instead that is the way our minds get at times, but it does not mean that we do not like what we have, just maybe you got tired of buying the same burger, just as well as the one serving you the burger gets tired of expediting orders. Just take it to another level!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood morning all. I would like to thank you for your answers. I spent long an hard thinking about this last night and I cannot imagine my life without her.
I am planning to talk about this with her on the weekend. Explain I miss the intimacy of making love. I am also thinking of maybe taking a weekend away together. We have not done that in a while, maybe visiting the place where we first met.
Thanks again :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): I don't think it means you don't love your wife, I think it means you need to spice things up.
The fair thing to do is to try everything you can to add new dimensions to your sex life before you approach your wife and tell her how you are feeling. Maybe try some new positions or an adventurous location. See how she reacts. Tease her a little, make her feel sexy.
I wouldn't tell her you are thinking of others...that will make her want to have sex with you less as that would be a HUGE shot to anyone's self esteem.
Try eveything you can on your end to spice things up and keep sexual thoughts focused on her. If that doesn't work, try talking to her about spicing things up. She might not even realize anything is wrong, or she may feel the same way you do and is scared to say something about it.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (26 November 2008):
 I feel bad for your wife if you need to question your feelings. Best you end it now before you mess her life up with your unhappy state.
If you think you really do love her and this is a phase, at least try to make sex more interesting for her and be extra kind to her. The better you treat a woman, the more you end up caring for her. When you treat her like you don't love her, you will end up not loving her.
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A
female
reader, itsmallorie +, writes (26 November 2008):
I am a woman but I honestly believe that if a man is not sexually pleased he will start thinking of other women in sexual ways even if he does love the person he is with. If you have talked to your wife about your sex concerns and she isnt making any changes than take control and come up with ways to spice things up.
Me and my boyriend have been together for 5 years and about ayear ago i began wanting sex alot less and it was causing stress in our relationship. At first I wasn't sure why my sexual needs had decreased and thought maybe it was due to the stress of having a baby, but when I sat down and really started thinking about my sexual needs and wants I realized that I needed romance in my life. I was feeling like he wanted to have SEX not MAKE LOVE TO ME. Now i can't speak for your wife but I can tell you that you could see if there are ways you can make her more interested in sex. I wouldnt mention that you have fantasies about other women, especially the ones you personally know, that may cause trust issues and another problem to your lifes.
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