A
female
age
36-40,
*UGSMOM
writes:My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful 11 month old daughter. I love him so very much but I feel as though he contributes nothing to our relationship or daughter. He works, but as for actually being part and taking part in our family, he lacks. As I'm leaving for work in the evenings (waitress). I may ask him to do one thing like taking out the trash, empty the dishwasher, or put some clothes away. And when I come home nothing will have gotten done...the house will be in worse condition then it was when I left and to make matters worse he didn't bath our daughter and put her to bed in a small onesie and she's freezing. I can't understand it, he comes home, eats, naps then grazes in front of the tv all night. Why can't I get him to help??? It's gotten so bad now that all we do is fight! I love him but I don't feel as though I can do this all by myself anymore. I'm starting to give up. What should I do???BUGS MOM Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (11 February 2007):
 I know exactly how this situation is but from HIS point of view.
Don't get me wrong. I am not going to stick up for him.
Don't discount how hard he may work (I don't know what he does or his personality) and he may mentally bring his work home with him and it can be taxing both physically and mentally.
Also for a guy the mental aspect is quite different and takes a little work to retrain.
You see I had a similar problem and to this day still have to keep this attitude at bay.
It may take you sitting down with him and explaining your feelings to him and see if you can come to an equitable solution between the two of you.
You may even take the approach from the standpoint of your daughter. Ask him what he would do to someone like perhaps a babysitter who has been given the responsibility to care for her to keep her warm and fed and safe in general yet this babysitter maybe leaves the door open and the baby crawls out with nothing more than a diaper on in 30 degree temperature. The least I would do is fire her. Tell him he is fired. lol. Another thing is what kind of environment does he want his daughter to grow up in. Should you have to take care of it all in all fairness.
Reason with him. That may be all he needs to make him wake up. When you married it was a partnership formed. Not a dictatorship. Be well and I hope all goes well. Doc.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 You need to talk to him and I mean really talk! Choose a time when your little one is in bed. Let him know you have something you want to get off your chest and would he mind taking time out (without the TV on) to listen to you? Saying it to him beforehand will plant the seed in his mind and let him think about it. He may even be quite curious to know what it is you want to talk about.
Then sit down and just tell him. Let him know you think he does a great job providing for his family and you know he must be tired when he gets home. (It's always a good idea to get off on the right foot rather than just diving in there and blurting out how you feel he doesn't pull his weight.) Remember he does work hard and he'll feel it's his RIGHT to come in and just flop so let him know that although you're home during the day you are still on the go doing... (name some chores) and sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is going out to work at night, you'd much rather be sitting snuggled up to him. ;o)
Let him know you would really appreciate it if he could help you a little bit more by taking out the trash and bathing the baby, doing these little odd jobs really makes it much easier for you when you come in and find the place looking terrific. If, after your talk he does do it then don't forget to praise him for it and give him a kiss and let him know how much you love him. (This will boost his ego.) The more praise and compliments you give him the more you'll find he'll want to do for you, it's all psychology.
Eve
Eve
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