A
female
age
30-35,
*smith0106
writes:Okay, I'll apologise in advance, because this may take a while.I met my partner when we first started university back in September. We got together in November and the relationship started off okay. There were a few things I felt uneasy about though: Firstly, he persuaded me to come and meet his family and friends over Christmas when we’d only been together a month. Secondly, he mentioned us getting a place together in our second year of university in the January, which also freaked me out a little. BUT I went along with it because I liked him. At the beginning on January, I got the copper coil, or IUD fitted. This was a ridiculously painful process that only now am I starting to feel better from, but I’d be lying if I said this didn’t put a lot of pressure onto the relationship because I was quite needy and wanted looking after. The problem was, he didn’t want to look after me, and because he realised that, he broke up with me around mid January. He told me there was too much pressure on the relationship and it was too soon, which I agreed with, and the day after breaking up with me, we agreed to try again. The very same day, I freaked out when he was kissing me, and he told me that it wasn’t going to work and he was ending it completely. And then something amazing happened. He started crying; he put his arms around me and cried. With any other person this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but he hadn’t cried for 15 years since his cat died. I gathered my stuff from his flat and left. 4 days later I heard from him: “I’m sorry, I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you now.” So, I agreed, but I told him that stuff needed to change because I was upset and couldn’t have him messing me around like that.For the next month, things seemed to go really well. I was starting to feel better and relaxing with the new flow of our relationship. It reached Valentine’s Day, and to begin with we said we weren’t going to do anything, but then changed our minds and he said he’d organise a nice meal for us and we’d go out to the cinema- just something low key and simple. The day arrived, and firstly, I was upset because he hadn’t booked anywhere for us to go. He just hadn’t been bothered booking it, AND I ended up paying for the cinema!? PLUS, he didn’t have a present for me. He told me that he had ordered it, and it had got sent to his home, rather than university accommodation, but that when I got it I’d know how much I meant to him. I was so upset. I left two days later feeling awful, I’d put so much thought into his present and I didn’t even have one!4 days later, I get a phone call. He broke up with me again. I begged him to stop and think, to make sure he was making the right decision, so he went away and thought for 2 days. He then called me back and said he didn’t want to be with me. So my friend drove me to his flat, and I collected my stuff. And then he handed me a box and told me that I could open it. It was my valentine’s day present. I burst into tears! It meant so much to me, and I just stared at him. I didn’t understand how he could end the relationship and then give me this?! You’d just take it back, get a refund, you wouldn’t bother giving it to someone when it was so significant to the relationship. As he had said, I’d know how much I meant to him when he gave it to me, and I did.So three weeks past, he unexpectedly takes off and goes back home to his family and friends for a week and I try my best not to think about him, but I still have this feeling that our relationship wasn’t over. We are at around the end of February/ start of March now, and I call him because we have tickets to go to a dog show together and I wanted to know what to do. We decided to get the train and go together as friends, which in hindsight was a stupid idea because I wanted more than that, and really, I got more than that. I stayed at his flat that night because we got back late, and needless to say, we slept together. It was all very exciting and we had a great, fun night together and I left at 7AM the next morning feeling fine about it. It was just sex, there was no emotion, no intimate boundaries were crossed, and it was fine. We on and off flirted for the next few days until we saw each other in university, and then I will confess, more things happened whilst we were there. We’ve always had a fantastic sex life and we literally can’t resist each other, so I suggested that I went back to his for the night and we carried on our exciting, passionate activities. He agreed and off we tootled. I was blinded by lust to the fact that I still loved this man who had broken my heart, I just wanted to sleep with him, and yes over the next 24 hours we did a lot of that, but there was so much more this time. At one point, he came over to me, both of us naked, and he just lay on top of me for 45 minutes. We watched stupid videos together, had a laughed and joke, rolled around, and he just lay there on top of, always watching me. We went to go to sleep and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest, telling me how gorgeous I always smelt. The next day we lay in bed until stupid o’clock in the afternoon and eventually got up and ventured to the library so he could help me with some assignment work. We then cooked dinner together and sat and ate it with one of his flat mates. It was like nothing had changed, we still had the chemistry, the intimacy, the laughs and the jokes, but something was missing, and when I left I rang him and told him I wasn’t happy with our arrangement and he needed to sort out what he wanted.3 days later he told me he couldn’t do it and wanted us to just be friends. In fact, he begged me to be his friend, but I said no. I said I can’t be friends with you because it just hurts. He told me he couldn’t commit to me and wanted to just be free and independent.I knew things hadn’t been easy, and that to an extent his independence had been taken away, but I felt like he couldn’t see past the reason for that and that it wasn’t always going to be that way.I feel like a little bit of background information on the gentleman in question is needed here, because he’s not a typical 30 year old man. Firstly, he’s never had a serious relationship before. His longest girlfriend was for 4-5 months, on and off, and far from serious. He still lives with his parents, and spends his life coming and going as he pleases, university means a lot to him, and when we first broke up he said that he wanted university to be his priority and he couldn’t concentrate on it with me in his life.I completely understand our reasons behind breaking up, and I’m not taking them away from him. I just want to know if there’s hope that something might work out. We are so ridiculously compatible on every level, and I miss him as a friend and a partner.The last time I spoke to him was last Thursday via email- I emailed to tell him I was sorry for getting mad at him (which I had done over the previous week) and offered him an olive branch, so to speak. He replied half an hour later saying he really wanted us to be friends and told me I had nothing to apologise for, he was the idiot who had been weak and allowed things to happen that weren’t fair. He told me that he really cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me out of his life.I feel like he’s really confused, but can’t see past our previous, bad relationship. I want to move forward and begin a new one with him, where I can prove that it doesn’t have to be so pressured and intense, that we can just have fun together and enjoy each other’s company. The circumstances behind our previous pressures were exceptional, and I think the key is moving past them, but where do I go from here? How do I allow him to see past it? How long do I wait before contacting him again? I’ll see him in university this coming Thursday, but do I just ignore him orr?In 5 weeks time we finish university for the year. He’s going home for 5 months and it’s so painful to think that I just won’t get to see him. What do I do? I can’t move on, because I can see past how bad the relationship was and I can why it was that way. He’s a lovely guy, very sweet, a true gentleman who’s never hurt me and has looked after me when I’ve been poorly. He cooks for me, has bought me surprise presents from days out without me and who I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with! I don’t want to lose him, because I feel that we could really be something great :(
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broke up, christmas, flatmate, flirt, I love you, kissing, move on, sex life, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 March 2014):
 He's never hurt you? He's broken up with you a bunch of times. Seriously.
"The problem was, he didn’t want to look after me, and because he realised that, he broke up with me around mid January."
"I freaked out when he was kissing me, and he told me that it wasn’t going to work and he was ending it completely."
"He just hadn’t been bothered booking it, AND I ended up paying for the cinema!? PLUS, he didn’t have a present for me.""4 days later, I get a phone call. He broke up with me again. I begged him to stop and think, to make sure he was making the right decision, so he went away and thought for 2 days. He then called me back and said he didn’t want to be with me."
"It was just sex, there was no emotion, no intimate boundaries were crossed, and it was fine." Oh right, bullshit. You are so lying to yourself right here.
"3 days later he told me he couldn’t do it and wanted us to just be friends. In fact, he begged me to be his friend, but I said no. I said I can’t be friends with you because it just hurts. He told me he couldn’t commit to me and wanted to just be free and independent."
You have some sort of fantasy about this relationship and him because what you say he is doesn't match with how he's acted.
It doesn't matter if you think you are compatible. He doesn't. End of.
He isn't a nice guy, he hasn't looked after you and he doesn't have your best interests at heart.
You are not on different pages, you are in entirely different books in libraries in different countries!
Stop having sex with him. Don't chase him, don't try to fix this, don't do anything but work on your studies. This will become clearer when you are indeed apart for a while. Things will really crystallize and you may get enough distance and perspective to wake up and snap out of your googly-eyed fantasy rewrite of history.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 March 2014):
 "Blinded by lust" hits the nail on the head. He's a 30 yr old still living with his parents, and he's never been in a long term relationship. Red flags. Put aside the amazing sex and what do you really have?
He doesn't want you to be his friend in the basic terms of friendship (no sex), and you want more than friendship.
Take a deep breath (maybe a period of no contact) and then decide what's the best for you in the long run. It's up to you of course but if you keep on this track, you'll end up being yet another unhappy woman in a FWB situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Wow, what a fun and fufiling relationship you've had over the past few months...Seriously, what's the point in hanging on to this? You're stressing out, doubting your decisions and have been on and off constantly with each other.For your own sanity, just enjoy being single for a bit and wait for someone who actually wants to commit to you and offer you the joys a relations I can bring. I've been with my now husband 8 years, we've never once had breaks, or been on and off. Yeah you have the odd disagreement or a annoyance but the love and laughter in our lives has been on going from the first day we met. A relationship, especially one as new as yours, should not be as difficult as it's been.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2014):
 Jeez all this DRAMA over a BARELY 4 months relationship? The first 6-9 months SHOULDN'T BE this difficult! You two are making it into a total cliche. I almost think you two assume that if it's THIS hard it MUST be love! It's not.
In 5 weeks you are both going on break, maybe that will be a PERFECT time to reevaluate what you WANT from a guy and what you want in life.
And I agree with Uncle Sage, I hope you put as much effort into your studies as this 3 ring drama llama circus.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 March 2014):
 At the risk of "sounding" like an old man.....
I hope that you are giving even a FRACTION of your mental energy to your studies as you are to this "relationship"... If so, you are sure to graduate Phi Beta Kappa.....
Good luck....
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