A
male
age
36-40,
*eadzeppelin
writes:Here's my situation:I've been in a relationship with this girl for 9 months now. She's a wonderful girl, and complements me in so many ways that I really thought we were sort of perfect for each other. I'm more of a cynic and don't get 'happy' very easily, but she does and together, this dynamic worked a gem.However, the last 2 months or so, things started to go sort of downhill. I got sucked in to this ball of fire at my workplace (I'm responsible for the future of pretty much every employee in my 8 member small business, and it looked like we were hurtling towards bankruptcy) and I unfairly took it out on my girlfriend. In the sense that I demanded a lot more of her time, attention, love and I felt sort of claustrophobic when I wasn't getting any. She did say that she was suffering from mental claustrophobia because of all of this, and we had our fair number of fights (some ugly, some not so ugly) in the last few months. Parallely however, her parents and my parents knew about our relationship and we had been to each other's parents' places respectively. My parents loved her and the same goes the other way too. However, in keeping with the oft quoted Indian tradition of 'getting their kids married', her parents insisted that they come home and meet mine. They did come home, but felt, and I quote "disrespected" because my parents don't share the same levels of enthusiasm as theirs. Now, my parents are relatively calm and don't outwardly show emotion (excitement or sadness), while her's are a bit OTT when it comes to all of this. Needless to say, it didn't go well!A couple of days later, she called the whole thing off and was rather cold about it all. She broke up over text and when I went to meet her to try and sort things out (and also get to the bottom of why all of this happened), it was a wasted effort. For a few days since, she was pretty cold about it and violently shunned me off, and I let things be for a while. A week later, when I realized she had cooled off a little, I apologized for not having given her space and for taking a lot of my frustration in other facets of life on her. It is also relevant to mention that I had objected to her spending late nights smoking weed and hashish at her male friend's place. I was by and large disturbed by this because a few years ago, when it wasn't in me to raise any objection of what I'm comfortable with (or not for that matter), my ex-girlfriend of 3 years (not the one I'm speaking about now), slept with a couple of my really close friends and I ended up getting dumped. Now, I have my insecurities over that, and although I thought I got over it, I've lately been thinking I haven't been able to. This insecurity, coupled with a pretty crazy work environment (if I haven't mentioned this already, I used to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day), led this girl I've been seeing to call it off. After the initial period of vitriol ended, she sent me messages recounting on some of our magical moments in the relationship we were in, and I made no secret of the fact that I'd still love to have her back. And that a lot of crap I've had to deal with of late caused me to be a different person and that I wasn't being nearly as empathetic or give her as much freedom as she wanted. Yesterday, I met her at a coffee shop and after spending nearly an entire day not speaking much (only reading), and going on a drive - something we used to do fairly frequently, she hugged me and gave me a kiss. She did say that her parents are still dead against us getting together because they felt disrespected by my parents' supposedly blase attitude (unintended - my parents actually do love her), but she needs some time off to think about things. In the mean time, she met her ex while I was incognitio these last couple of weeks, and I think her ex now thinks he can win her back. He has been calling her the last couple of days (she told me this herself) and even asked her out for a movie (again, something I was told). Over coffee yesterday, she also said she wants to trip on one of coke or heroin (something I was dead against because of my own reasons against drugs), and insisted this wasn't to get back at me or to rub me in the wrong way. She claimed she was an independent girl and that (and I do agree with this) I had shacked her unfairly. My stance has always been that of apology, and how I didn't mean to choke her in the proverbial sense. And that I will always continue waiting for her. I wanted her to get her head clear and if she does indeed want back, I'll be more than glad. In short, am I doing the right thing? Am I getting paranoid over why she has to tell me about the ex now? Is she gauging my reactions on how I'd respond to this? Does she think of this as a litmus test that I need to pass if she is to make her mind up? Am I right? Am I wrong? My head's a mess tbh
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): She is heading downhill with the drugs. Heroine and coke are both highly addictive opiates; and she is an absolute idiot to take abuse of such substances so lightly. You'll end up in jail along with her; if caught with these illegal substances.
Things didn't workout, and you're far too judgmental and
temperamental for her personality-type. She is carefree and less given to responsibility.
What she is trying to pass off as independence; is nothing more than indiscretion and recklessness.
Her parents don't like yours, so they are going to be a major influence; and will not allow you back into her life.
So you may as well absorb that fact. You know your culture much better than I.
I don't care what she says and does. They have the last word where that is concerned. Your parents didn't mirror their enthusiasm; not for the reasons you give. It will never be offered again. They know you must always be hospitable and extend graciousness to your guests. Not show indifference. That's considered rudeness in any culture.
I don't think your parents approve, and they are not impressed. They like her, only for your sake. The purpose of the meeting was to form a bond between them as parents on opposite ends. Giving their combined blessings to your continued relationship; and where it will lead. Sorry, that didn't happen.
Your parents see what you don't! They saw no reason they should pretend. Have you ever asked them for their real opinion? NO! You really don't want to know.
She's also sneaky and just used you to show she has a responsible and respectable boyfriend. That you also come from respectable origins.
She prefers her ex, and is more partial to their exploits with drugs and other bad behavior. Yes, she will pretend she wants you back. As cover. Then she will resort to her ex-boyfriend; when you fight or refuse to accept the drug-use. Having you on a string gives her more manipulative power. Social credibility. She is brilliant.
Your personality is too stiff and controlling. You have a failing business that requires more of your attention; than this trifling relationship with a girl who cares for someone else. One who does not really share your values; and has chosen a different path and lifestyle. Over which you have no right to voice any opinion. Right or wrong.
The sentimental reminiscing over the past is more of her psychological-manipulation.
She masters the art of manipulation. Over you, her parents, and her ex. She gets what she wants; but you will be the least happy person in all of this. You are much too anal retentive; and she is quite liberal in her thinking. She has made it unmistakeably clear; you will not rule her.
That is the reason for all your fighting. Take a hint!
Do not wait for her. Concentrate on your business, and get over her. There are people depending on you, and your business is your livelihood. You have no time to be a foolish boy; fumbling in love with a girl up to no good.
If your parents read these words, they'd agree.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 March 2014):
I think waiting is a good option, but I would not wait for a girl like this. She has you has an option rather than the most important person. You essentially drove her away because you could not handle a rough point in your life. As a man, you must be able to handle your work load as well as your woman. She is not your emotional punching bag. I know you feel bad for this but what's done is done. I could only assume she is trying to figure out her feelings and where she belongs.
Spend more time gathering yourself and finding your mental stability. This will be very important for own growth and will build a better foundation for your future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Sounds like your EX is not sure about how she really feels and this has something to do with her ex. Smoking weed and hashish is not something t be taken lightly and if she does not stop you need to accept its over. You cannot make some one stop doing something if they don't want to. You also have insecurity issues that you need to deal with but I don't think that is the only problem in the relationship. Its probably best to take time off from this relationship and figure out what you can and cant accept about this girl. For now you may want to accept and do anything to keep her but reality catches up.
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