A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in my mid-40's, successful, have a pretty wife, 3 kids - but it feels like I am living someone else's dream, not mine. It seems to me that many, perhaps most, of the men in my situation, at least whom I know are in the same boat. We are living our wive's dreams. Most of the time it doesn't feel like living at all, more like sleep walking...I have grown bored with work. I do not enjoy the interactions with my " friends" (which are really the drone husbands of my wife's many friends). They appear to be sleep walking too. My "real"buddies were all swallowed up in their marriages long ago, and we lost touch, or just don't have the will or desire to look each other up and go do something. I take on 50% of the childcare and housework. But what is left for me? When the weekend looms on the horizon, I don't even care anymore. There seems to be literally nothing to look forward to anymore. My outdoor pursuits were long ago taken over by kids sports, etc. If we are going out, it's typically with my wife's friends, which means I will spend the evening talking to other husbands, while my wife drinks, dances, seems to have a great time. Often, it's like I am solo at these events. We drive there together, I won't see her for most of the evening, then we drive home. Why am I even here, I find myself wondering often. She loves it, the chatting, with the other women, some of the men...My wife meanwhile is living the dream, like all her many girlfriends. Working part time (I provide well), meeting for tennis, exercising, planning "girls weekends" to concerts, wine-tasting, Atlantic City...the myriad of "girls nights out". It's almost like she is back in school, her financial needs taken care of by someone else, with a jammed full social calendar. Doing things as a couple? We rarely do so on our own anymore, it's definitely not a priority to her from a planning perspective (girls nights/weekends, then stuff with other couples, are definitely more of a priority). Maybes with all her fun being with me is just boring.she shares all the personal bits of our life together with all her friends. I hear details about the other husbands I have no business knowing. They seem to "support each other" no matter what the behavior. Schedule overly lavish birthday and other celebrations for each other. For example, my wife tweaked her knee playing tennis. We got nightly calls inquiring as to her well being, someone dropped off dinner so she didn't have to cook. I had knee surgery last year. Nothing. She even went out the night of my surgery to a girls thing, stayed late, came home drunk. None of her girlfriends seemed to bat an eye at this. You can imagine what happens, the calls, the gifts, for birthdays, etc. For Christmas I have to pay for all the wives to get all thses gifts. Nothing is ever given to me or the other husbands...Anyway,enough whining. After all, emotion is something g we are not ever supposed to express either (very unmanly). Do any of you feel like this? Like a ghost of a person, making it possible for other people to have their cake and eat it too, but seemingly having nothing for yourself. Your interests gone, friends gone, wife as a companion gone: all swallowed up by the male responsibility in a modern marriage with kids.I love (and miss) my wife, love my kids, but worry that I cannot spend the rest of my life like a zombie. Any of you feel the same? Advice?Thanks, in advance, for considering my perspective.
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, swallow Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): What do you want? Only you know the answer. Committee to being kind to you-self it’s ok to be selfish. Step back look at the ghost and make him visible. Kelly
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Get a divorce and move to Thailand. It is a lot more fun here for men. :-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): I would discuss these feelings with your wife, especially about how you felt about her abandoning you when you had surgery. Tell her you miss her and you miss spending time with her the way you used to before you had children. You two need to reconnect. Take a trip somewhere together by yourselves and then another with your children.
Rekindle some of those friendships for the time when she spends time with her friends and pick a new hobby or two. Maybe she can spend a little less time with them and more time with you. Spend more time together as a family and with your children. Give each other gifts and fun times for no reason at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is the original poster. Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to consider my issues and respond, and answer a few of the questions posed.I think I may have unfairly portrayed my wife as a callous free loader. To answer the questions posed: I don't think my wife would mind at all if I started going out with the guys, etc. I think this problem is really my own fault. I lost myself by just focusing on providing, being a dad, and a husband - that I lost any sense of who I am outside these roles. And, as I hinted at, I have somewhat lost what it means to be a husband, in that while I provide, remember birthdays and such, we really don't have much fun together. It seems she has learned to find that outside of our relationship. Not to imply she's cheating. But she seems to go for companionship, fun and laughs, to others. That's what I meant by I miss my wife. The part about the gifts real has nothing to do with the money they cost, but as an example of this strange dynamic of these women so preoccupied with their relationships with one another, while they sort of let the men out to pasture...The other part, I suppose, is jealousy. She seems to have it all. She has a full social life, the time to enjoy all sorts of activities, and the luxury to work part time at a job she finds enjoyable and fulfilling. I have none of these, so I guess I resent her for this. As I write this, I realize how unfair that is for her. I seem to have made her responsible for my happiness. That cannot be healthy.I like the suggestion of doing some of my old activities with my kids. This is one of the bright spots in my life. Fun and rewarding on many levels. But again, I probably shouldn't hang my happiness on my kids either?Anyway, I think I am coming to better understand why I feel like a zombie sleep walking thru my life. It's my responsibility, and not my wife's fault. Question is, how to pick up the pieces, recreate a life, remember who I used to be and what I like to do. It sounds stupid, but it's like I cannot seem to figure out where to begin...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): where is your balls?in your high profile job u will address the issues that are impacting negatively on your performance. why not tacle your marriage issues too.your wife comes across as being :self centred/selfish/empty/unfeeling/false???? i can list more.........i agree that u cannot carry on like this. you need to take heed of your feelings and dispair . pretty soon , if not already, you will start resenting your wife- and who can blame you. her life is filled with partying, friends, and the "flashy lifestyle".you on the other hand are losing your zest for life. you are right , she is zapping your joy, yor passions and your emotuons.did you have good friends before she took over your life? then slowly make an effort to re connect with them.i also think that u need to contain her financial spending? she seems indifferent to your "suffering", not particuparly concerned with your well being?is she having an affair?? Just asking!!!!!!!!!!!whatever is happening, i think u know that changes need to be made NOW.Personally, my hb and i had to make changes as well bec of too much time with friends and extended family. we made a conscious decison to concentrate on US- meaning our 2 kids and ourselves. it is sometimes lonely BUT we have reconnected as a family. the best thing ever!!!!!!!!!you seem very lonely and have given your state of mind much thought. that is the start. now implement an action plan. TELLL YOUR WIFE how unhappy you are. she needs ot tone down. give her 6 months to change her partying ways. you need a concerted effort from her.lastly: be prepared for the unexpected. i think your wife has created a life without you and you either just tag along or you are a bystander. are you prepared for the consequences: meaning a possible divorce. i think your wife have become indifferent to you. you do not say anything about your sex life. how is this department?if anything, i think you need to do an financial inventory. start "protecting" your assets. i get the feeling that there is more happening in your marriage than you are aware of. whatever the case, protect what is yours.i work in th elegal industry, too many spouses who work these asses off, get screwed in the end. do not let this happen to you.be observant.keep an audit trail.just randome check ups on the wife and her good time girls.know what u are dealing with.AND GET YOUR OWN BACK. Meaning take back your life and enjoy it. You deserve this time and getyour quality life back.Good luck.LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I can identify. You just have to put your foot down and reclaim your personal interests and space.
If you work full time or more-than-full-time (sounds like you are financially successful and most people who are in your position work 50-60hours/week) and your wife works part-time, logic dictates that you can't do 50/50 housework and other responsibilities.
Nothing prevents you from having your own friends and your own interests. But you have to speak up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): The man has just told us indirectly he is feeling unhappy and lonely and why this is...All he is asking for a little more appreciation and an acknowledgement of him as an individual(based on what he has written but I know there are two sides to a story, nah make that three..his version, her version and the truth) Going on the information here...While I do believe marriage changes a person lifestyle..His wife leaving him alone on the night of his surgery is a clear indication of a selfish, self centered person...I can almost bet poster is unlikely to act that way if his wife just had surgery and he would have appreciated the company and care of his wife while he recovered....I bet she thinks she has perfect marriage as she always seem to have things her way and centered around her...When they drive to an occasion hubby is abandoned , she does her thing and they drive back...He is in a marriage where he feels lonely.While I'm not knocking the fact she should be going out with her friends and socializing, she is totally out of sync with her husband....but he feels lonely and he said he misses his wifePoster I really dont know how you got here but my advice would be to let your wife know how you are feeling and come to a compromise as to changes you would like in your marriage....Particularly making alone time for you and her...I'm sure sacrificing at least one of her girls nights out wont hurt to spend alone time with you......If you do get in touch with your old friends , this time make effort to stay in touch.....Develop some hobbies of you own and try to include your wife in them as much as you can..I hope that this situation has not been creating by your wife's desire to control this relationship...I have a sneaky feeling but I'll wait for your update to see....A few questions I would like to ask before saying anymore on this1) Do you think your wife be happy to include your friends in your activities if you were to get in touch with any of them?2) When you try to take up hobbies or your own interest does your wife try and stop you and make a fuss / would she be happy to join in some of your interests?3)What do you really want to with your life that would make you not feel like a zombie and would fulfill you in your marriage and family life?Let me know so we can discuss this further...In the meantime I know that you are in a vulnerable state and I urge you to exercise patience to work thing out for the better...All the best
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 March 2011):
Honestly? Show her this post and see what she has to say. She needs to know how you're feeling. This is as good as any place to start.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I have the same problem, except my girlfriend (6 yrs) parties and drinks with all her guy friends. To top it off, she's never been able to financialy contribute to the relationship, so I pay for almost everything.Until I told her I was not happy and felt I was being used. I told her I didn't think it was fair to work to pay to cover her butt while she went out and partied. I told her that I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my own labor. Now she doesn't have the money to buy herself nice things unless she goes out and works for it. She's beginning to understand how hard I work for what I have.I also got back into some of my own hobbies, and began having guys' nights out. We don't go to strip clubs, but we go out and have dinner and shoot some pool, and we have fun because it doesn't seem forced.As for the job, live with it. Every job gets monotonous and unfulfilling after a while. So use the "(I provide well)" to find the fulfillment outside the job.What I suggest is that you let the ladies have their ladies' night, and you invite all the guys on a guys' night. You might be surprised how many of them feel the same way. Be clear with your wife as to what your plans are so she doesn't get the wrong idea.When it comes time for gifts, tell her to find her own gift budget for her friends, and you'll take care of the budget for your friends. If other couples are friends to you both, then either split on getting them something they will both enjoy, or let her get her friend something, and you get something for your friend.Tell her how you really feel, and tell her how you would like to be treated. She may be acting the way she's acting because you allow it.But the most important piece of advice is this: Do stuff with your kids. You talk about outdoor pursuits. Take them camping, or fishing. Sports? Take them to a game. Or maybe follow with them on one of their interests. You might be surprised how fulfilling sharing a connection with your kids can be, and your wife just might mellow a bit when she sees how well you connect.
...............................
A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I can relate and have immense empathy! I don't believe you're going through a mid-life crisis. Like you wrote, you miss your wife and your identity, (mid-life crisis, in my opinion, is fussing that you're getting old). Your feelings are completely understandable given your situation/s!Basically, your wife is taking you for granted, knowingly or unknowingly and she needs to make your marriage more of a priority. Yes, the important thing is to make time with each other, but first address your issues with whats been going on. Give her a copy of the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and tell her you 'need' her and that you've scheduled an appointment for a weekend couple's retreat. If she doesn't drop everything to go,(and you've given advanced notice of the scheduled weekend), it's a huge red flag. ...She needs to realize through therapy that she's not filling your 'love bucket' and you're being neglected. You definitely need time for yourself, so maybe go on "business" to a wellness center. It'll be great for you to regroup and give yourself a bit of a break from all the crazy social drama and hard work. Hope this helps! Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Have you discussed any of these feelings with your wife? After all, marriage is supposed to make you two closer, not drive you apart. As the role of the husband and father, you are typically seen as the provider for the family. But this is not to say that your entire life has to be about work and catering to your wife's social needs like a slave. Does your wife know that you dislike these outings with the girls and their husbands so much? If not, I doubt she thinks you have any problems with them.It all comes down to communication. I'm sure you both realized this when you first got together and decided to take it to the next level through marriage. Don't forget about it now that you've actually made a happy life for yourselves. The next time your wife wants to go out with the girls, call up some of the husbands and have a guys' night away from all the girls. It doesn't just have to be about them. Or spend the time she's out going to the bar and watching a game that's on. You can pick her up afterward and let her enjoy herself with the girls while you enjoy your time as well.Your life doesn't have to be this way. It all happens like this because people let it. They get used to the idea of only being a husband or a father or a wife or a mother and forget that we're all just women and men. We all have our own interests. Our own likes and dislikes. You don't have to forget about all of that just because you're married. Book a surprise vacation for you and your wife. Tell her that you want to fall in love with her all over again. Or rediscover what makes you as a couple so special and wonderful. No woman can resist a cruise or a night away in a luxury hotel. It's up to YOU to change your marriage as YOU are the one who's unhappy. If your wife is content and thinks you are too, she's got no reason to change how things are going.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): By what I have read your wife seems to be a very selfish woman, a marriage is a 50/50 street. Have you tried to talk to her, let her know how you're feeling? Any good relationship is based on very good communication. Without communication it's just 2 people cohabitating together in a building going through the motions of life.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2011):
 You are going through a mid-life crisis, and in a way, so is your wife. For such a long time, your wife's focus was your three kids. Raising them, cleaning up after them, staying up sleepless nights because they were sick, etc.
You have spent all this time building your career, and now that you've gotten to your prime earning years, you're getting the midlife restlessness that happens to so many people.
Your wife is understandably enjoying life post-little kids and is filling her life with activities. There is no reason that you can't do the same, both with her and apart from her. What was it that made the two of you fall in love?
Your friends have dropped along the wayside because you have allowed it. You could rekindle some of your friendships.
More than that, you two could take part in some activities together. Show your wife what you like to do. Live your dream too. Take up a new hobby together.
Above all, tell your wife how you're feeling. Let her be part of your solution, and the rewards will be wonderful.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2011):
You are going through a mid-life crisis, and in a way, so is your wife. For such a long time, your wife's focus was your three kids. Raising them, cleaning up after them, staying up sleepless nights because they were sick, etc.
You have spent all this time building your career, and now that you've gotten to your prime earning years, you're getting the midlife restlessness that happens to so many people.
Your wife is understandably enjoying life post-little kids and is filling her life with activities. There is no reason that you can't do the same, both with her and apart from her. What was it that made the two of you fall in love?
Your friends have dropped along the wayside because you have allowed it. You could rekindle some of your
...............................
|
