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age
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anonymous
writes:I feel like a failure as a parent. I am a successful business man, volunteer firfighter and little league coach. I have been open with my kids (20 yr old son and 17 yr old twins a son and a daughter). My wife passed away when my twins were 3yr old. I remarried when they were 14 yr old and they like my wife very much. Last yr my youngest son become a whole new person, at first I thought it was just him being a teen but it is much more. In the past 18 months, he has been in 2 drunk driving accidents, leaving the scene of one of them. Been arrest for assaulting a boy at a party. kicked out of school for fighting, lost his licences and is doing drugs. I have tried talking to him, seeing what and where his life has changed, I tried reasoning with him, I tried tough love but nothing seems to get throuh to him. My daughter is starting to follow in his footsteps, she drinks (I fear she may be doing drugs , she denies it). She thinks that it ok to have sex with her bf in my home even though I have told her it isnt. Last weekend they went to a party and I woke up to he noises of her and her bf havig sex in my living room. she has been fired from her job for being late. My wife heard that she was involved in a 3 sum at a party were people were watching. My oldest son has been arrested for illegal street racing and is on probation. I feel like I have failed my kids, I dont know whee I went wrong and how to get them back on track. Please help.
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reader, serenity80  +, writes (7 June 2010):
Your kids seem to be handling adolescence really badly - but that isn't necessarily any reflection on your parenting skills. My partner is a social worker and has often mentioned cases involving brilliant parents and the most difficult teenagers. You see there isn't always a correlation between the two.
I actually had a pretty colourful adolescence but I didn't go "too" far and ended up absolutely fine, but it took a while! I would suggest just always trying your hardest and reminding both your kids that you will always love them but feel so upset when their in trouble. Hopefully time will pass and this will all sort itself out, and you'll all be able to look back on this as the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): We like to think that our kids are like clay and we can mould them into the perfect person, unfortunately that's not the case. There is no magic formula for raising kids. You can try the most up to date methods, follow them to a T and still end up with an adult who you aren't proud to say you parented.
There are just way too many variables that are out of your control from day 1, and even more when they start going to school. Just because you raise a good child, doesn't mean that the other kids' parents have. They're going to be exposed to things whether you like it or not.
At the end of the day you tried your best and that's all anybody can do, anything else was out of your control.
There's not a lot that I can think of that will straighten them out, especially at their age. Drastic changes will just push them away from you, they really have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately that means that they may have to hit rock bottom before they realize this.
Just be there for them to build them back up if they do.
Goodluck
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 My kids are a bit younger than yours, so my issues haven’t (yet) got to the level that you’re dealing with. A couple of comments for starters: bad parents don’t ask for help and they don’t coach little league. As others have said, you show serious signs of being a good guy. As much as I feel your anguish, beating yourself up isn’t productive.
The other posters are right, of course, that you have to be there for your kids, they need to know you have their back, and that you love them unreservedly. Where my take might be a bit different is that I think kids also need to know that there’s a line, and that the consequences for crossing that line are so serious as to not be worth risking. Barbara Coloroso talks about ‘jellyfish’ parents and ‘brick wall’ parents. There are lots of reason why the brick wall shouldn’t be in evidence all the time. But I think it needs to be there.
They are living under your roof, and have to abide by your rules. I would think that noisy sex in the living room isn’t consistent with that. Take away their privileges, take away their phones & Facebook, impose a strict curfew. They can be away from the house only for an approved reason like school. Return home immediately after school. You may have to take time away from work to monitor their compliance, but they must understand that you are serious. They can only buy drugs if they have money, so restrict how much money they have and make sure that you know where every cent goes. In short, they are behaving like out of control children – it’s time they had a reminder that legally they are still children, and they have to earn your trust and the privileges that go with that trust.
I’ve worked with an organization that is one of the few that’s had a documented successful track record working with teen addicts:
http://www.aarc.ab.ca/
If memory serves, they were initially modelled on a program that started in the U.S., so they may be able to direct you toward a program that’s closer to home. If nothing else, their online questionnaire for parents might be of some guidance.
Lots of people will say that my hard-ass approach is the wrong way to go. For you and your kids it may be. But you’ve recognized that things are out of control. While they are still minors, you have the chance to intervene. You’re the last line of defence before they’re out in the world unaccountable to anyone but the law.
Regardless of how you choose to proceed, I wish you and your wife strength, fortitude, and wisdom. You’re living one of my nightmares.
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reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Hi. I don't know if I can be of help to you considering our culture, I am an asian and I am brought up differently but I just would like to share some common grounds that may help.
I, too, am a parent, separated, a breadwinner and away from my children. I had a problem once with my eldest daughter (15 yrs old) that I thought I would not be able to take her back to the right track but am glad it was not too late for me. Constantly, almost everyday I spend time with them (my children) on the phone just to let them feel that they are not forgotten, asking how they are doing, how they spent their day, if they had a good meal, asking them what they need and I will ask someone I trusted to do for them. But this is not enough, what my children often ask me is my presence, the attention, they want me to take care of them...my 3 children want me to be with them mainly to guide them and take care of them. They thirst to feel the love and attention. THEY NEEDED LOVE, THEY NEED TO FEEL THAT LOVE.
Back to you, try to spend quality time with your children, some sort of bonding. You may go out and take vacation or even just a weekend family get together. This may too help to get connected emotionally with them. Slowly and subtly, commune with their feelings. You may not be able to get answers right away but you are trying to win their sympathy and maybe at the end they will open up with you why they are acting in a rebellious way. Be more patient with them, be a good listener, be a good friend, be with them and constantly remind them you care.
I don't know if what I have told you will help, it did with me. You are not a failure as a father, you probably just lost emotional connection with them.
MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AND BLESS YOU!
sweetiebabes
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reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2010):
 The pain and reprocussions of your wife dying are cropping up in your kids' lives and manifesting as self-destructive behavior. You have it in you to help them. How close and connected were you in grief for your late wife? You re-married 11 years after she passed away. Were you distant with your kids? Did you deal with your own grief by emotionally disconnecting so you could get work done? Did you throw yourself into your career and leave the day-to-day issues with your kids to nannies/housekeepers/your new wife? Did you emotionally push everyone away during your grief, including your kids at their very young age?
They need YOU. You won't help them now by sitting around and beating yourself up. They don't need you to discipline them. They need you to give him LOVE, because that is what they are both craving. Suggest some extended counselling/therapy with BOTH YOU and them together to get through these issues, which have twisted and warped over time and require a professional to untangle. This means that you'll have to face some of the things you've blocked out.
You are the key to helping your kids. There's no easy way to try to "fix" them by remote control. This new love and closeness will help you all a great deal.
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reader, Dial-Emma +, writes (7 June 2010):
I understand your feeling of failure but this situation really doesn't sound like it's down to you, or your fault. Unfortunately your children at the age where they're curious and want to experiment. Obviously teenagers begin to do and try new things that their parents may not like, but in this instance when you see your children going down a progressively bad path, where drugs/law/losing jobs etc are concerned, you want to bring them back onto a cleaner path of living.
You say you have already tried to reason with your children, and that you have tried tough love. Obviously I do not know your children personally, but there are a few ideas you could try, depending on which you think would be best for them.
Allowing them to know how much pain their actions are causing you, and for them to understand the consequences of their actions in the future, sometimes brings teenagers back into line. Arranging talks with other rehabilitated teens may make them understand that they are not invincible(as many teenagers or people doing drugs begin to believe), and the horrendous outcomes that could be in store for them.
Some teenagers respond well to boot camp, it teaches them about self discipline and again gets rid of the idea from them that they are 'untouchable'.
I am unsure of how your health care system works in America, but getting in touch with your doctor or a nurse to give you specialist information and agencies to contact concerning your specific issues would definitely be something worth investigating.
If you feel like you have personally explored every avenue to combat this problem, and feel your children may have an issue with drugs you really need to seek outside, specialist help.
Your children may hate it all right now, but they will thank you in the future!
I really hope some of this has been of use to you! Good luck!!
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reader, TimmD +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You're going to get a lot of different opinions on what you should do or what you are doing wrong, but personally... I think they're all pointless. Every situation is different. Nobody can tell you, nor should they tell you how to raise your children. And I know you are asking for help but nobody can really know what to do unless it is them in that exact situation.
You seem like a decent guy. If you weren't, you wouldn't even care about what your kids were doing or if you were a failure. Because you seem like a decent guy, I'm willing to bet you were raised by pretty good parents. So here's my advice: Remember what YOU were taught. Remember how your parents raised YOU. I'm sure with the passing of your wife you've had to raise them differently. Maybe overcompensating or even spoiling them in some ways. Possibly some guilt from not having a mother at least early on in their lives. It's human nature. It's natural. But this causes you to stray from what you were taught.
At 20 and 17 it's not going to be easy. Reasoning with them is probably like reasoning with the wall right next to you. But again, I'm not going to pretend to have the magic answer as to how you should "fix" your situation because I'm not in your situation. I'm just going to ask you to remember two things - First, think to yourself "What would my parents have done to me if this happened when they were raising me?". And second, you're not a failure as a parent. You want to know how I know? Because you're not finished yet. You're still raising them. This may be a rough patch, but there's still more to come and there's no law that says it has to stay rough.
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reader, Dekten  +, writes (7 June 2010):
You're not a failure at all. You're just dealing with problems that are way over your head -- or anyone's head.
In my opinion, what you need to do is seek some kind of professional assistance to get some structure into your lives.
Either it'll happen now voluntarily or later on by force, i.e. police.
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