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female
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anonymous
writes: I don’t know whether it’s just the friends that I have, but some of them are difficult to understand and their behaviour can be erratic. For example, I seem to be expected to do whatever they want but when I suggest going somewhere or doing something, I am met with resistance or a lack of enthusiasm (it’s just I am enthusiastic and up for most things so I guess I don’t like it if others aren’t the same). I wonder if I don’t sell myself or the activity very well when I make the offer. One friend, in particular, who has alot of problems at the moment, didn’t respond to a party invite of mine or to my latest offer. Seems to pretend she never got them. Asked her parents why she didn’t come to the party and they said she was ill but I think she was either waiting for a better offer or she fears social situations where she doesn’t know everyone. I find it really rude not to respond to invites - I would just rather someone told me they didn’t want to come and the real reason. I know they may not want to hurt my feelings but I appreciate honesty more. I seem to be expected to chase after them all the time which I don’t want to do as I think it appears needy. I think it may be their underlying shyness and lack of self-esteem that makes them fear new things (although I am shy too but I am willing to experience new things) but it very often feels like I am being controlled, manipulated and used for their benefit and that what I would like doesn’t come into it. I am expected to drop everything for them and on the few occasions I haven’t they have seemed to take it personally - I know one of them is quite sensitive. I guess I am just being the same. It can be quite overbearing at times. I am hoping these people like me for me and that I am not just someone who is handy to go out with them to the places they chose because they know I'll say yes. I always take every opportunity to go out with my friends and have fun but I wonder if I should become more unavailable, but then I wouldn’t enjoy it and would risk losing my friends. I do like people to take control of a situation as I find it an appealing quality but not 100% of the time and I would like people to be more considerate as to what I would like for a change. Bizarrely this only seems to affect the social part of some of my friendships because in other areas they are considerate to my feelings. Apart from this really frustrating aspect to some of my friendships, I do enjoy being friends with them. However, by saying no to their requests once in a while they might respect me more. Also, very often it feels like I am slotted into their schedules when they haven’t got anything better to do. Most of my friends have settled down now (I haven’t) and I appreciate that it is difficult to find quality time with their partners, let alone me, so how do I stop myself feeling like second best? How do I strike a better balance in my friendships? Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Your right..say "no" whenever you want!! Do what you want to do when you want to do it..they are only controlling you because you let them! You shouldn't have to throw a 'sales pitch' just to get them to spend time with you...if they want to be there with you or for you they will!! Sounds like a lot of them are users...dont let yourslef be treated this way. If you dont have any respect for yourself or what you want nor will they! As for feeling scared of losing friends if you say no...f*#k 'em thats their problem NOT YOURS!! Soon enough it will sort itself out who your actual 'friends' are and who isn't. Dont waste your time with users its a waste of energy and time! In the end none of them will matter to you anyway. Filter out who's really your true friends and f*#k the rest!! They'll find out later what really matters in life and it sure isn't just faking friendship to look good or popular...and when that day comes guess who's gonna be all alone and friendless then?...NOT YOU!! Find the true friends...be loyal and true to them and yourself and believe me you'll come out on top!! Good Luck:)!!
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