A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: This question might sound childish but it has been on my mind for quite sometime. I was dating this girl for awhile and found out she is a virgin. Now that is not the problem because I am one too but about a month ago I found out she was actually seeing someone else and just this past week they made it official that they were bf/gf. Of course it made me angry because I was dating her but now that the anger has subsided I find jealousy rearing its head. I know this is going to sound immature but I feel jealousy because this guy gets a girl who is a virgin even though he probably is not one. It makes me feel as if I'm going to get stuck with someone who has already been deflowered and I feel cheated because I took the time to save myself. Now this is the question I want to ask. Do girls get jealous when it comes to their virginity and do they feel cheated just as I'm feeling at the moment whenever dealing with the opposite sex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): I lost my V-card at 18 to a fellow virgin who was 19. Guess what? The sex was awful!! Neither of us knew what we were doing. It was painful for me and awkward for him. And although we were very much in love at the time, once we grew up we grew apart and we did not stay together.If I had the chance to do it again, I would much rather have lost my virginity to a guy with some experience, and although I'll probably marry my current partner I am glad we were not each other's firsts. I'm glad he had the chance to see what was out there because now I know that his appreciation for me is genuine and not just due to never knowing any different. And I'm glad I had the chance to learn what pleasures me and work through the stages where I felt very awkward about sex and about my physical appearance with partners who weren't "the one." I don't think the instant connection my lover and I had in bed for the first time would have existed without the past experience each of us brings to the table. If you truly love someone, you love them for the whole of who they are and respect that the person you love is the product of everything they've ever experienced in their lifetime, even including intimacy with people who may not have been you.Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind responses. I really think I just don't want to have Retroactive Jealousy that's why I would rather lose it to someone who has no experience as well. It can really be damaging to a person mentally and I know for a fact I would suffer from it since I'm jealous just from this encounter. I'll try my best to move on and hopefully things don't escalate because this girl goes to my job which I think on purpose (To get a rise out of me) but I'll try to ignore her as much as I can.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 From a practical point of view, it might be better if one party is not a virgin, simply because first-time sex tends to be quite awkward. Nobody really knows what they're doing the first time, so if both are virgins, that makes for a whole lot of fumbling and awkwardness.
However, I do understand your feelings. You've decided to save yourself and it would be nice if you could meet a girl who has done the same if this is something that is very important to you. You could see what has happened as a lucky escape, though. Imagine if you had slept with the girl and then she had left you for another guy. It's not just guys who do that. Men get burned, too, and just because a girl is a virgin, it doesn't mean she is a better person morally, or is going to want to stay with the man to whom she lost her virginity.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (30 July 2013):
 You're entitled to like what you like.
As for how we women feel, it varies. I can't answer for every woman in the world or even just in the United States.
I personally never placed much value on my own virginity when I still had it. In fact, I couldn't wait to get rid of it when I first went off to college because I felt like that was part of being an adult. As for men, I wouldn't want to be a virgin's first, but that's just me. After being with several guys who've had a ton of sexual partners, I also know that I'm not comfortable with that either.
I completely respect people who choose to save themselves, though. And, as I said, I respect your preference for sharing your first sexual experiences with someone else who chose to "save herself." Believe it or not, there are plenty of 20-something virgins out there, so you can still find someone who places just as much value on that as you do.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): @ CindyCares
Our culture has given women the option to feel more traditional or be more modern about their sexual values. That is good.
But men these days are not being given the right to choose either value set. That choice is being gradually removed. Men are gradually being forced to accept whatever women want them to.
Its one thing to say men should not persecute women for having sex. Its something else to tell men they no longer even have the right to have any opinion about it, even when men are trying to find THEIR OWN MATE! This is the kind of pressure being put on men these days. This has gone beyond male/female equality.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 July 2013):
Dear OP,
sorry if we agony aunts started a fight over the importance of virginity.. I can relate you want to lose your virginity to a girl you truly like. It's a smart choice and takes more patience than just having a ONS. It seems that you thought you'd already found the girl and now she's with someone else. So I can somehow understand the jealousy.
But the only thing you can do now is to go ahead and look for somebody new. Nothing is a better cure for jealousy than finding happiness yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't mean to start an argument or try to justify that women don't have their own rights. It was just something I was feeling and needed clarification on. I don't know why I feel this way because I can lose my virginity at anytime I wish to women who are equal to swimsuit models. If I had my choice though I would like to give myself to someone whom I actually like. But its whatever comes my way..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 anon male reader : perhaps... but we should also wonder how normal is a normal male who still lives or demands to live by values that his culture and society have rejected since a long time.
MY society used to validate " honour killings " - less and less in time, but I think the laws about honour crimes have been definitely abolished only as late as the 60s . It means that, if you were a cuckholded husband and on finding proof of your wife's betrayal, or on finding her in bed with the plumber, you decided to kill her- you could invoke " honour reasons " and get a much milder sentence than a normal murderer .Maybe , like 3 or 4 years in a low security facility , rather than the 30 years ,or jail for life ,you'd have got with a non " honourable " murder. That sounded " normal " for a long time, ...and then it started sounding not so normal,... and then it became absolutely barbarian and ridiculous. Because society and culture HAD changed. Today, if you kill your partner in a jealous rage, the judge will probably give you a good 30 years and if you protest " Hey, I am just a normal male, it's biological, we normal males have these homicidal impulses when we get betrayed "- he'll give you 30 years AND also will double up laughing.
Society and customs DO change- some times for better, some times for worse, some times for just ...different .
How " normal " it is, I wonder, a person that can't SEE the change , can't adjust to it, can't live with it ? ...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Women and girls I have met have never expressed jealousy because their partners were not virgins. Very few (well only one) of the girls who I went to school with married, and is still married to, her first boyfriend.
Quite frankly, based on personal observations of questions dealing with the subject on this site, I would say the hang up about virginity and the questions dealing with it seems to be mostly from the US.
I find that interesting, especially as I have been reading a lot of articles and so forth lately about US lawmakers who are trying to introduce legislation to control women's bodies and bodily functions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): O.P. you are just suffering from a bad case of being a normal male. You are living in a culture which no longer approves of that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 July 2013):
Typo. What I meant was : I ended up MARRYING a guy who etc.etc.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 July 2013):
Heck no. Most women don't care about this stuff.
I ended up meeing a guy who was a virgin when we met, and while obviously his being a virgin was not a deal breaker for me , neither it was a bonus or an added value or anything special for me. In fact, while a male virginity, again, is not a deal breaker for me and as far as I know for most women, - in practice it can be a bit of an hindrance, it takes a patience and a teaching vocation that not all women have, so if they come with some experience, even better.
It also makes no sense to me that you'd want to be praised and rewarded for your own personal choice that you took according to YOUR values , wants and needs taht you have no right to consider universally desirable or to impose on other people. In other words you " took the time to save yourself " because YOU wanted to, because it was something that made sense and had valued within YOUR beliefs structure, - you did it for yourself, not for the sake of making happy... some future girl that you did not even know yet and that may see it , in her own good right, differently from you.
I am not saying that you don't have right to your preferences, in fact you do, so if you only want a virgin girl, by all means wait for the virgin girl. But try not to put your nose ( and to not have put it out of joint ) in the choices of other people who instead choose to ditch their virginity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I am a 25 yr. Old female with 2 children. I thought the same. I was a virgin when I was 17. I always wanted to wait for a virgin. I wanted it to be a new experience for the both of us also because I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. So in the end I finally found a guy,I loved him. He was a womanizer. I also was jealous the fact he was going to deflower me knowing he had many partners. We had a child together sadly to say we broke up . to this day he always love me. He has told me I wasn't a whore or easy. I also love him still. It will be difficult for you to find a virgin but think about if you find a nice girl that you love it won't matter.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (30 July 2013):
Dear OP,
I think there's a difference between how people perceive male virginity versus female virginity.
A woman who stays a virgin up to a certain age shows she's not "cheap" and not easy to have. That stems from an old tradition that divides women into "wifes", who enter marriage as a virgin, and "whores". In those days, women were depending on men and so they had to follow their standards of innocence. We're in the 21st century now so we might as well stop that nonsense. And just admit not every woman who enjoys her sexuality is a cheap slut. And that she has the right to have multiple sexual partners in her life and learn about the difference between good and bad sex and to know what she likes. Instead of feeling cheated, you could be happy if you have a partner who knows what to do in bed, how to enjoy herself and give you pleasure.
I don't know many women who really care about a man's virginity as much as men care about a woman's virginity. It's rather that they worry about it, because they believe a man who didn't gain enough experience before committing to one woman will regret it later in life. I've never felt any jealousy if my partner had more experience. Rather, I enjoyed the additional "know-how" and I didn't really care where it came from.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 My advice: Dont attach emotion to your virginity. Get it done n over with. Eventually your culture will frown upon you judge n ridicule. Dont let them. Instead do what they do n blend in. Let this girl go n just go get laid. I guarantee youll feel better about things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I'm a 36 yo man who lost my virginity when I was 20 to a non-virgin, and I loved her to bits then. I don't think the hymen is any valuable really. It's the person, but that's me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 July 2013):
Everybody is different. I didn't care that the girl I lost my virginity to had men with other guys before. Some guys (like you) find that unappealing.
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