A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a man and I'm confused about my sexuality with no idea how to confront it. For as long as I've had an identity I've never labelled my sexuality as what's between the ears has always been more superior to me opposed to how someone identifies. However, I can't stop thinking about being with another man. My problem is that I'm in a relationship with a woman who I care for an unimaginable amount and I desperately don't want to hurt her feelings. It's a very sensitive situation.First off, I just want to clarify that cheating is beyond me and I feel disgusting even fantasising about being with someone else. I know attraction is natural but it riddles me with guilt. Despite this I can't help but feel I'm missing out on a experience that I desperately want to feel. I've always exclusively been with women, but over the years I find myself less attracted to women. When I start a new relationship it's incredibly passionate and sexual, but without doubt soon after I find myself uninterested in sexual intimacy with those I've been with. I'm interested in closeness,, but anything beyond that doesn't rise me. It always causes tension as often my partners blame themselves for the disappearance of affection but in reality it's just something I can't bring myself to. I often question whether this is because of my desire to be with a man. Whilst watching porn it's always the men I watch and fantasise about, and I often find myself turned off from seeing women even though I admire their beauty. I can't figure out whether it's because I want the men, or want to be them!I love my girlfriend very much, I'd like to see a future with her but I feel awful about these suppressed feelings. She's very delicate and for reasons I can't go into would be destroyed if I even attempted to explain my feelings. I don't want to lose her over something that could just be a fantasy. I just thought perhaps an outside perspective might give me a new perspective.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (23 June 2016):
Hi there!
Poor guy, this must be rough on you.
My own husband is bisexual. I did not find out until we'd been together for a while (yes, I married him after I found out). Fortunately, unlike you, he had a number of experiences when he was younger, and as far as relationships go, he wants to be with a woman. I have zero fears of him cheating on me. He does watch guy on guy porn sometimes when he feels the urge, and that is satisfactory for him. I suspected he was bi, and it took some time and a lot of gentle discussion for him to become comfortable with talking about it with me. I love him like no other and wouldn't trade him for the world. It is part of who he is, and who he is is the man I love.
Now, this is different for you, as you have yet to experience being with a man. I've heard that sometimes, when men realize their attractions, the urges can become overwhelming. Don't fall into this trap.
As hard as it may be, I believe you need to have a conversation with your girl about it. It may end the relationship. Then again, it may not. But this is destroying you inside, and I think it's important to be honest. But as WiseOwl suggested, perhaps you should start by talking with a therapist.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2016): My friend, sexual-attraction to the same sex isn't just a fantasy. It is possible you are bisexual. Not to label you, but to define what the feelings you have mean. I too have been in the exact same situation as to being attracted to women to some extent; and even have had sex. However; I've come to accept that I prefer men exclusively and may have all along. I still love checking out their curves, legs, and boobs. That has never changed.
I do not encourage you to cheat or even experiment with your feelings when you are committed to someone. Let me make something perfectly clear. Don't deceive anyone, thinking the "truth" will devastate them. Lies cause more damage!!!
When in a committed relationship, you have to ignore temptation; because that's what commitment means. At some point your feelings and attraction towards men may overwhelm you. So at some point you'll be forced to be honest with yourself, and with your mate. She'll notice when you've become distant and unresponsive to her; and your efforts to show affection become forced or mechanical.
I highly recommend you use your best judgment and let your conscience be your guide. Don't stay tied to any relationship; because someone might go bonkers if you leave them. Chances are, they'll go bonkers, because they're bonkers anyway. There's more than one way they'll reach the breaking-point. You don't allow anyone's behavior or frailties manipulate you. Meaning, by holding you hostage psychologically. You'll inevitably get desperate to escape, and may do something you'll regret.
I think you're coming to a crossroads. I think your feelings are changing and she's not fulfilling you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Although you may love her. The test of your loyalty and true devotion comes when you can resist the temptation out of love alone.
I caution you for powerful reasons. Do not lead this woman into a deceptive marriage. Nothing is worse than when a man hides his gayness or bisexuality behind marriage; only to leave a woman, or a complete family, behind when he decides to burst out of the closet. I have a grave disdain for men who deceive woman that way. Some are forced by culture and tradition; and have no choice. Their very lives or a huge inheritance may depend on it.
For those that do have a choice? It comes down to nothing more than pure deception, and protecting their own skin; until they finally get the nerve. That's totally unfair, and immoral!
If your feelings become too strong to control. Be honest and kindly let her go. If she's devastated by it, she'll just have to be an adult and get over you, or seek therapy.
You'll grow distant, then resentful; because you'll feel trapped. You'll make lame excuses, then eventually avoid her altogether.
Being at the mercy of someone for fear of them harming themselves or losing it, is basically a form of manipulation and entrapment. That is caused by obsession, not love. What you may fear most is her "outing you publicly!"
There are ways of getting around that. You have little choice but to breakup; if you cannot reciprocate the same amount of loyalty, affection, and love as you're getting. It has to be even, or it will fail. Nobody loves equally 100%, but it has to be balanced.
If you can never even the scale, call it quits. Your desires will make that choice for you anyway. I speak from experience on that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 It is possible that you are Bi or even Gay. I would suggest that you go to a therapist to help you deal with these feelings, because you cannot run from who you are forever, you only have one life, you should make the most of it and be who you are. I think talking to someone will help you discover what you really want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (22 June 2016):
 HiPerspective?? This isn't going to change the fact you are attracted to men!! This is one of oldest things in time. Men who are riddled with guilt because they have fantasies about being with men.The thing you need to think about is how far are you prepared to go with this?What if your gf wants kids? Will you get married and go through that scenario with her, still wanting to be with a man?If you do succumb to temptation at some point , it will just be cheating, just as if you cheated with a woman.She will just be oblivious if she never finds out, and im sure there's thousands of women who's significant other has done the same with no consequences.What is your conscience telling you?? Follow this x
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