A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd appreciate your perspectives on whether I should move in with my bf or whether it is ok for me to want to keep things as they are, as I feel I am being pressurised into something I don't want to do:(He's been asking me to move into his flat for months, and I've been saying no because I'm happy as we are. Last night, he told me he doesn't want us to be "dating" forever and that he really wants us to start moving forwards, which, for him, means moving in together so that he can save money for a deposit for a house together (I have already saved up for this, as my earnings are higher than his, and he has said he is too proud for me to share my money with him-he wants us to be 50:50 equals in financial affairs), for things like holidays, and for him to buy me an engagement ring as he said he is planning to ask me to marry him within the next few years (which was a nice surprise to hear!)We've been together 15 months, and had a rocky few patches after I found out he was 'sexting' another girl 6 months into the relationship - he said nothing happened between them in reality (which I think I believe) and that it was an ego boost and he hadn't thought it was wrong...so we moved on from that, and 4 weeks later, I found him in bed with 2 other girls in his underwear after they'd all been out drinking! Again, we talked it through, he said nothing happened, and I told him that was his last chance, that if he betrayed my trust again, we were over. A few months after that, I found out we were pregnant. He was over the moon, wanted us to become a family...but I miscarried :( He told work colleagues and friends when I'd asked him not to/to let me know who knew so I could prepare myself for sympathies if I saw them, but he didn't do that, and told people without letting me know, so I was getting sympathy texts at work-bit stressful :( Anyway, we supported each other through it (6 months ago now) and things have been ok since then. Although, he has been sending explicit FB messages to a work colleague and to an ex-girlfriend just before that, I think nothing more has happened since then, so I think I have regained my trust in him. I have never done anything to betray his trust, by the way, and have pretty much been a good girlfriend to him...looking after him after he had an operation, looking after his sister when she was unwell....in fact, sometimes I feel he takes me for granted, as I'm the one who takes us places, gets the shopping in, etc etc....But, I love him, and when he mentioned a house and marriage and a family, it made me very happy.My best friend has got just engaged herself (does not live with her boyfriend) and thinks my boyfriend is right, that I need to take the next step of moving in with him to begin our future.But, I have reservations. First, I like dating him! I like that we meet up and go out to places (as well as just hanging out at each other's homes most days), I like that he misses me on days we don't see each other, and I like that we have a great sex life! I worry that all that will go if we live together. I worry he will take me for granted and I'll grow to resent it. My other big reservation is to do with trusting him. I have rebuilt my trust, and am no longer feeling like I am just waiting for him to betray me again, but if I live with him (he owns his flat) and he betrays me again, I'd have to go through the hassle of moving out, finding a place, starting again on my own. Lastly, at times I don't feel comfortable in his flat. At times, I will remember finding him in bed there with those 2 girls and it stops me from getting to sleep in his bed sometimes. I haven't told him this as he doesn't like to think about things in the past (including the miscarriage) and doesn't like me to be sad around him.My best friend says if I don't move in with him, I run the risk of losing him. He is making me feel like we will only be able to go on holidays, get a house together and get married if I move in with him to enable him to save money, and I feel under a lot of pressure.What do you think I should do? I have been saying 'yes but not yet' for 5 months now....Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): (OP) Just to add, @Cereberus, I have not confronted him about the last sexting....I found out and have kept it to myself so far.
Thanks again for all the straight-talking!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): I think you are in some very serious denial about the potential of your relationship. His words are about as hollow as it gets and he knows how to dangle that carrot in front of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): To be truthful i am wondering why you dont move a million miles away from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): (Original poster): Thanks so much for the opinions so far. I appreciate your common sense!
@worldywise and @abella, you're right, I should wait until I'm ready and until I'm sure it's not just about his financial gain. Sometimes I wonder if he is sweet-talking me when he mentions marriage and babies in the future, when he can afford a ring, which is why he's wanting to cut his outgoings by me moving in with him. He also sells it to me by saying it'd help us grow closer, and that his friends tell him I don't love him if I haven't moved in with him (I told him this was emotional blackmail and that I don't care what his friends think!)
@cereberus, thanks for laying it on the line! I guess love is blind sometimes. My best friend does know all that happened, but I think she can see that I love this guy and thinks that will conquer all. I'm not so sure. I guess if I'm honest part of me is scared of losing him, but you're right, I do need to grow a pair of balls and tell him that he has not yet got my full trust. I worry that saying that gives him the go ahead to betray me again in a weird way. I guess all of this is not part of a happy, healthy relationship, right, and if we had that, I'd be over the moon at the thought of moving in with him? Lots to think about....thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): God no, are you crazy? You're with him just over a year and this relationship is nowhere near being steady enough to survive moving in together. I don't like his reasons either OP and I'm afraid your friend doesn't see the bigger picture here. If he is the type of guy who is going to leave you because you wouldn't move in with him he's not a keeper then.
So far from what you've said the only things I see good about this guy are he's great in bed and he dates well. Well jesus if that's all it takes for you to ignore some pretty messed up shit and some very bullshit excuses then you're nowhere near ready to put your money up for this kind of thing or trap yourself in a relationship where he holds all the power and walking all over you.
Okay so this guy who you're planning to marry.
1. Sexts girls but doesn't know that's wrong? Really? He didn't know that? Is he developmentally challenged OP? Because no one is that stupid, he made a bullshit excuse because he was caught.
2. He wants you to move in so *he* can save money. Take a step back and look at that OP. That's not for your benefit, no matter how he phrases it. He has a girl in you that will pay for and do everything for him and let him get away with murder. Like that woeful bullshit above.
3. He gets caught fucking two girls in his bed and you don't care and don't give me some bullshit like he was drunk and just fell asleep, we all know what happens and he obviously wasn't too drunk as to not be able to take off his clothes so he's cheated on you, twice. Sexting is mental cheating and getting it on with those girls was physical.
4. He was on his very last chance and now he's been caught sexting girls online, including an ex, what was his excuse then? Because he's already used the "I didn't know it was wrong, It was just and ego boost it meant nothing" excuse. What was his excuse that time?
5. You asked him to do something very simple, normal and considerate when it came to telling others about your miscarriage and he completely fucks that up too? Great catch.
6. You're the one who pays for everything, takes you both places, does the shopping and all that other stuff? Forget what I said above OP he's not even a great dater, you're the one doing everything for him.
7. He's been asking you to move in and start paying his bills after 10 months? Talking marriage and kids already? Buying a house ad all that crap? OP this guy is on another planet and forgive me for saying it but you're getting caught up in this whirlwind of a romance too.
Does your friend know all these things? If she does and she told you that you may lose him if you don't then she's either and idiot or a complete bitch. This guy isn't even relationship material OP, he has a hell of a lot to prove to you before you should ever consider moving in with him. This guy is shady as hell and either your friend doesn't know all these things or she's been listening to you gush on all the time about how great this guy is that she actually believes you.
He's not. You will end up picking up all the slack, you will end up paying for almost everything because you earn more and he "wants to save money". OP until you grow a pair of balls and stop being his dopey doormat then you need to stay where you are and have the security and comfort of your own place. This guy is very sneaky and manipulative under all the shiny niceness of the great sex and good times you have. How many last chances are you going to give him? How may chances do you think he's going to take once he has you trapped financially and physically into living with him.
Simple OP, you're not ready. So you tell him that and tell him you won't pressured into making a decision. You will do it once the time is right and that's that. Now if you're friend is right and you'll lose him because of this then what kind of guy is he? I was with my girlfriend 3 years before we moved in, 3 OP and I was friends with her 2 years before that. You want to know why it took so long? Because not both of us were ready, so we didn't do it. I was ready she wasn't. That was that. Of course financially it would have made sense for both of us to share, but money is not a good reason to move in together of one person likes their space still and so we buried the idea until she was ready.
I think you need to stand up for yourself for once and just tell him no. That he has to drop this issue until you feel comfortable with the idea. That is not happening at the moment and the more he pressures you into it the less you want to because the more you think his reasons are selfish, which they very well are if he's not going to drop this.
As for your friend, you need to tell her that any man who will walk away after 15 months because you're not ready to move in with him is definitely not worth the hassle. He still has to prove he can be trusted, he hasn't done that and just because you forced yourself to trust him by giving him far too many chances doesn't mean he can be trusted.
Just don't do it and if you were my friend I would have told you to run away from this cheating, untrustworthy, fantasist ages ago. There are far too many red flags with this guy and you're far too weak to stand up to him, so at least fucking have a pair of balls on this issue and get what you want.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 You are a far more forgiving than most girls. You have been with this guy now for only 15 months and his lapses in judgment have been ongoing. I admire how forgiving you are, but I think your love for him has allowed you to show him more leeway than many others would have allowed.
On more than one occasions he has advanced a plausible story to cover his betrayal of your trust and he has been able to convince you that he deserved your trust again. You have reservations about your boyfriend of 15 months, with good reason.
It would seem that he thinks it OK to take you for granted. You helped when he needed it, you looked after his sister. You are a gem indeed. And despite you never having given him any cause for concern he has not reciprocated in kind. Yes I do think he takes you for granted. Besides which you are a really good “catch” and no doubt he appreciates that you earn more than him, but that if you moved in with his costs would be lower and due to his charm he may even be able to save more or at the very least live a little better with you sharing his home.
The fact that not only he is pressuring you, but that “friends” have claimed that you "run the risk of losing him" is not a reason to give in to his demands. At least not yet. And I agree that I would not want to live in a place where I felt uncomfortable. Of course his home is not ideal, and due to his past poor judgment and indiscretions his home has been the place where some of these indiscretions took place. It is insensitive of him to think you would want to love there. Any pressure on you to live there is unacceptable.
You are not required to compromise yourself so he can save money. Where ever you and he eventually live it will not be in a place where you feel uncomfortable as to live in his place would grate you every day with the bad memories and to sleep in his bed under those circumstances in his home would bring it all back every time. Unacceptable.
Of course he appreciations you. You look after things and you are responsible. You earn more than !him. You have your own place and thus have accumulated some useful possessions.
His lack of respect and impetuosity and his poor judgment was really evident over your pregnancy and the sad loss of your baby. How dare he jump around like a school boy telling all and sundry about the pregnancy. Does he have ego issues or immaturity issues? The pregnancy and losing the baby was very private information. Losing a baby is just the worst. His first Loyalty is to you. Not to others. Of course he should have respected your wishes and stayed quiet.
He put un-needed undue pressure on you because he had to open his mouth. As a couple you are supposed to be a team. What is he saying behind your back that friends are warning you that you could lose him if you do not give in to his demands? Phooey!!
What is the real reason behind his haste to move in with you? Are his finances in worse shape than you are aware of? Or is he worried he can't be faithful much longer unless you move in with him and are there to act as his mother and keep him “out of trouble” ?
You earn more than him. What are his ambitions? What is his ten year plan for his future. If you have a baby eventually then for a time you will need to live on his salary. Can he afford you, really afford to live well if you are out of the work force for a time with a new baby? Could the two of you, plus a baby live on his salary alone for an extended period?
You have been together for 15 months already and he is offering the vague “in a few years” offer to marry you. You are not two teenagers, you are mature adults. So if you and he were really on the same page I would have expected him to have already proposed and within a year for the two of you to be married. And if you were both on the same page you and he would have one hundred percent trust between the two of you. He can trust you completely. Can you say the same of him? His offer to get engaged in a few years is way too airy-fairy to me. That is way too far in the future and too open-ended.
If it was meant to be then there would not be all these questions.
I think that you enjoy the romance of being with him. But that your trust is faltering. Because he has already shown poor judgment, and trashed your trust, in the past. If over the next twelve months he never has another indiscretion, and if he comes clean and admits that he has issues with being impetuous and is more truthful about his unfaithfulness, then should you forgive him? That is up to you.
But I would certainly hold off on moving into his place. And I am surprised that he is so insensitive that he would expect you to move into his place in the first place. Why does it have to be all about what he wants and when he wants it?
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (11 January 2012):
 After reviewing what you wrote in your post, it seems as though he's one step ahead of you when it comes to your relationship advancing. But in my opinion, I think you really have to truly think things out. Not just if you'd like to live with him- but also if he is the man that you want to be with in the long run. If he is, then you have to find a way to get over your fears... and take a chance.
Now you have every right to feel the way you do when it comes to trusting him. And the you feeling pressured thing is something you two have to talk about. But at some point there has to be a moment in which you decide if he's ultimately worth trusting or not, if he's worth living with or not, or if he's worth being with or not.
One way to help you make that determination is to come up with a pros and cons list. Determine what you like/love about him and number it... and number the list of things you don't like. If the pro's outweigh the cons, then it should give you a clear perspective of why you should not only continue the relationship, but let it grow. If the con's outweigh the pros- and you'd still like to stay in the relationship, then communicate with him. Let him know what bothers you, what you'd like for him to change, etc. Find out his dislikes... and work on your issues together. You both should also see a couples counselor. I believe it can be very beneficial for the both of you.
Best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): If you are feeling pressured by him, to move in, then don't do it.
You have to WANT to take the next step, when your ready. I can see his point of view,wanting to move forward,secure the relationship. But if you move in and resent him for 'making' you then its not a good start.Whatever your reasons.
You will have to cope with the consequences but if he loves you he will understand and wait.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 January 2012):
 If you feel as though he will take you for granted, then you need to think about that you are right in your intuitions.
He sexted, cheated, and told everyone about your misscariage when you didn't want him to.
Through every part of the relationship he has been the one that is taking advantage of you, lying to you, and now he is going to use you so that he can buy a house aka for financial gains.
Your first instinct is always the right instinct. A group of highly trained psychologists in university across the United States did a study where they talked with their students for 15 seconds the frist time they met then told them to fill out a survey about the professor.
Then, at the end of the semester they said to fill out the same survey.
The answers were the same!
What is my point?
If within the first 15 seconds the human mind can read someone with the same accuracy that they can read someone after 3 months, then you need to go with your instincts and not move in!
You are worried he is going to take you for granted, because he is.
Inbox me if you need.
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