A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help and advice with a relatively new relationship I'm in. The relationship started out complicated but that in itself is a very long story so I'm hoping I can escape going into that.Basically, we got together in September and everything seemed pretty fine and dandy. He really made me feel very safe (I'd not long moved to a new city so this was amazing) and we seemed to have a lot in common.We had our first couple of arguments in October and out of this things seem to have spiralled. I could put it down to miscommunication but I'm beginning to think the level of emotional damage has gone far beyond a simple case of not communicating.Thing is, he will snap at me for really simple things (small things like getting three - I know three because I counted when I picked them up - crumbs in the bed). It makes me feel really small when he does this. He's whiny and irritable. If I ever need space, like if we've had an argument in particular, he won't give me it and will keep pushing and pushing until I end up snapping or really just not wanting to know. On occasion I've felt like he's told me off for living a certain way or doing a certain thing. At the worst points it's gotten physical. The absolute worst time, I'd been having panic attacks and afterwards we had an arguement. I tried to walk away and he grabbed my around the neck and pushed me against the wall. I tried to get away with him but he wouldn't let me and made me walk with him. When I then didn't want to talk to him (suprisingly) he made as though he was going to step out infront of an oncoming car, pulling back when I screamed. I talked after that.He says that I don't listen to him and that he feels unlistened to. The thing is, after having my self esteem chipped back by him day after day I really don't feel like listening and talking. That hasn't stopped me trying though.I realise he's been on antidepressants before, I have as well and have also been through therapy. I recognise that he's depressed and have encouraged him to get help which he is actively seeking. The thing is though, I feel at my emotional limit. I don't feel like I've been getting anything back from our relationship recently. I've offered support and more support whilst all I get back is borderline emotional abuse and a bruise on my arm. Sometimes now, I feel like the reason I'm still with him is because I want to help him and not out of love for him. Sometimes I don't know that I do love him anymore... I feel like he's no longer the man I fell in love with.I ended up expressing this when he kept pushing it the other night. (I'd been angry with him because he'd gotten snappy with me after my Great Uncles funeral service. I was so annoyed he could be like that when I was so emotionally vulnerable). I pretty much suggested it was over and he sank into a panic attack. I didn't know how to act other than helping him. I know the times he stops putting the blame on me and starts looking at himself, he starts feeling so guilty and apologetic.Despite this, I don't know how much is reasonable to put up with anymore and how much of it is my own poor mental health fabricating myself into being a victim. I feel like my mental health is back to where it was before therapy.I don't know how to give up on someone who needs my help but how much is too much??Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 One month of dating is rather soon to be having arguments. The time to pack it in was right after the very first time he crossed the line back in October.Your boyfriend is not depressed. He may not be happy but he is not depressed. Depression is anger turned inward, or pushed down. He expresses his often and easily.Your poor mental health does not cause you to tolerate destructive associations. It's the other way around. Your destructive associations are what lead to your poor mental health. You break out in a sweat when you run. You don't run because you broke out in a sweat. OP, it is not yours or anyone else's responsibility to fix him. It's his. And he's not as vulnerable as you seem to think he is. He knows how to manipulate you into staying. He knows what he's doing when he snaps at you. He knows what he's doing when he criticizes you, belittles you and threatens you and he most definitely knows what he's doing when he puts his hands on you. He is unhappy because he focusses almost entirely on himself and his own needs while totally disregarding the needs of others. No amount of pills or therapy will cure him of profound selfishness. The first and biggest step you can take to improve your own mental health is to get yourself as far away from him as possible, and quickly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): Once a man becomes verbally-abusive, that is too far. To actually become physically violent, threaten suicide, and to hold you under restraint; takes his mental disorder to the psychotic range. You are in trouble.
You are not taking care of him. You are making yourself an available target for his outbursts and tantrums. You are making yourself a willing victim of violence and abuse.
The sooner you remove yourself from this situation, the better. You are dealing with a very sick man. A very dangerous man. He has diagnosed mental disorders; and his behavior is out of control and unpredictable.
You must leave immediately. The longer you wait, the harder it will become to getaway.
You must find a shelter for battered-women, and let them give you counseling and find a safe way to get away from him. He belongs in a hospital; if he isn't following a treatment program. Don't compare his mental issues to yours. You can't withstand, or protect yourself from, his violent rages.
Plain and simply...you could be killed.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (14 December 2013):
 At first, I didn't read your whole post. I got to the 4th paragraph and thought that you need to get out of this.
Then I read the fifth paragraph. You DEFINITELY need to get out of this abusive relationship. He should NEVER physically hurt you, and threatening to step in front of a car is emotional blackmail.
You've only been together since September... you should still be honeymooning, you should be delighted to see each other, not feel emotionally drained.
You need to get out of this relationship. Be strong, walk away and don't think you need to stay because of him, you don't.
Best of luck, hope it all works out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 This IS too much. When it leaves bruises and when you get physically restrained and grabbed by your neck it's too much, because it is physical abuse.
Which in a way makes things simpler and neater : you just leave him, regardless of hows and whys , regardless of his feelings and yours. Who cares if it's true love, or infatuation, or neurotic compulsion etc.etc. : the point is, you don't let people leave btuises on you. You just DON'T. The first time it happens has also to be the last one.
This rule belongs not only to elementary emotional health 101, but also to common sense 101. You do the action of leaving, period. Of all the complex feelings and thoughst and regrets that may stir up in you- you can talk about that with your therapist, or with your friends if you are not in therapy anymore .
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 you say you feel like he's "no longer the man you fell in love with." thing is, you didn't know him when you fell in love with him. this IS who he is. you just didn't see it because you've only been with him for three months. it takes years to really get to know someone. the man you fell in love with is this guy - the guy who is emotionally and physically abusive. and who is emotionally manipulative. don't fool yourself. that is the guy you're with. he just hid it for the first, oh, month or so. what you see is what you get.
what he is doing is abusive. first of all, no one should EVER grab you physically. that is a HUGE red flag. that would be grounds for me to end it right there. you should never tolerate that treatment. no one should. and what's worse, he then threated to kill himself after you refused to talk to him after he acted crazy. that's completely emotionally manipulative.
you are allowed to take your space and time to think after an argument. the healthy way of going about this would typically be to communicate your desire for some space. for example, tell the person you're with that you are upset and everything is going to be okay, but you just need some time to cool off and will be able to talk it through in a few hours or a day or so. however, if you're just blatantly ignoring the person after a fight and ignoring all of their attempts to communicate, that's also emotionally abusive in itself. being ignored is probably the most hurtful and frustrating thing in the world. it's rather infuriating. so make sure the way you're going about dealing with taking space is the fair way of going about it.
that being said, no matter how upset someone gets at another person, it is NEVER, under any circumstance, okay to lay your hands on them. never. i think you should quickly walk away from this relationship. it's only three months in and look how awful things are. this is the time you should be in the honey moon phase. things should be amazing. they clearly aren't. i think it's crystal clear you two are not right for each other and he's abusive. get out now.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 December 2013):
Well he's controlling and abusive and has manipulated you into staying with him because you feel bad for him. He doesn't need your help...only he can help himself. You've only been together since September, you should still be in the honeymoon phase!
Really, take the time to reread what you wrote and there are a couple times where you've made excuses for his behavior. There is NO excuse. Even if he is depressed or whatever, it's up to him to seek help and follow through, not you.
You really need to look at yourself and work on your self esteem because you're so young and deserve much better!
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