A
female
age
51-59,
*weetiebabes
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I would like to seek for your help but please don't pass judgments on me. I had an LDR illicit affair of 4 yrs with a man who was 30 yrs older than me. Because of my past issues in life (my Dad and family abandoned me when I got married against their will, my husband after few years of our marriage became very irresponsible) I felt emotionally lost. I have this belief I feel complete if someone will love me. He came into my life, though it was an LDR, I gave in completely heart and mind. I was passive, submissive, and tolerant in spite of knowing he is playful with other women. We agreed with certain limitations for he is married and I accepted and respected everything about him except for one thing I always ask from him, his honesty of his feelings for me. I made it clear with him not to play with my emotions as he was with his other women and some were my friends I introduced to him. Two of his women fought with me. One was physical and the other one was online harassment, they were nasty and belittled me but I hold up and controlled myself not to go down on their level of thinking. I just told myself that they were just in their peak of anger and someday would just realize their mistakes. I did not fight back with them but just became reticent. I told him about it but he neither admitted nor denied about them. He played safe. I have no right to question him; I am not in the position to question as I understood clearly my limitations. Hurting for I felt his disrespect. I trusted his feelings for me, though most often I feel confused because of his flirty-sexual behaviors but I tried to understand everything but the effect on me seemed like I was losing my self-respect. Our relationship went on for almost 4 yrs but we never met. I knew I was not in his plan and I knew he will not meet me though he said he will but 4 yrs of waiting was enough for me to know the difference. I knew he never loved me the way he really should. He's often off limits and I don't know anything about him and he never shares, I get to know part of his life through internet surfing. I knew his best interest was not with who I am but with what I was giving (sexual things).I think he was with me to feed his fantasies. He kept on telling me his feelings were intense and real but his words were just the exact opposite of his actions. Seemed like I kept on rationalizing, telling myself my feelings were wrong, told myself "understand his limitations". I always make excuses, rationalizing, analyzing how I can endure and go on to make him feel how much he means to me. Feeling hurt seemed to be endless. Within me, I want to earn his love by endurance and tolerance for I thought at his age he will come to know and feel my presence and may someday learn to know and feel me but I was wrong. I didn’t ask him to leave his wife and his family, I just want to feel loved by him even from a distance, to know the truth without any pretenses, without faking, I just want the true feelings…the truth is what I can only have from him. We had a fight for I couldn’t hold any longer his betrayals and deceits. I felt so much anger and became vengeful and gone out of the border and hurt him badly. I vented my feelings of anger, the pain and the love. Every time I have these nagging feelings of how hurt I was I would openly let him know through emails and pour out all my sentiments that I felt I was played, misled, used, manipulated. These descriptions of feelings I told him so and I felt so guilty for it was so ruthless and heartless of me to say so. He replied few words through email telling me he has no ill will towards me but I don’t feel convince. I feel he has not forgiven me and I could not forgive myself for hurting him that way. I should have taken responsibility of my actions for I knew I was right but I became so weak. I know the right thing and the best way to do is to move on without looking back, learn to let go but seemed like there are things I am searching for an answer for peace of mind and to move on peacefully but I do know, till now, the pain and the hurt are still unbearable and I am stuck with these feelings I feel I want and need closure but there is no closure needed. Why am I feeling this way? I feel so stuck and I just don’t know where to pick up the pieces of me. My past from my family that mistreated me, my husband and my online affair seemed to be contained inside of me…and I am hurting too much, it seemed to haunt me every now and then. I tried to battle these feelings but it just keeps coming back. What should I do? Seems like my children are all I’ve got to struggle in my life’s predicament but how can I unload these hurt feelings I have?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 The amount of pain, confusion, worthlessness, hopelessness and anguish I read in your post tells me that you need professional help. Contact a local mental health clinic or ask your physician for a referral.
While you wait for your appointment, I recommend avoiding alcohol or other mood-altering drugs (unless prescribed recently by your physician), make sure you are eating well and exercising. Trying some meditation exercises may help bring some peace to your mind.
Best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Read the last paragraph you wrote!
You already know what the best thing to do is. You know the answer to make things better for yourself...your just feeling heartache. Move on...and in time it will pass.
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