A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all,I have something quite personal that I'd like to ask you about.At the beginning of the year, I found out the guy I've been involved with for seven years had an emotional affair last year. It wasn't your typical emotional affair. They'd always been friends, but while I was busy studying my degree last year, she talked to him about her custody issues she was having with her ex. At the time, he was feeling very lonely, as I hardly had time to see him between study.They began talking more frequently and hung out a few times and he didn't mention to me that they'd grown closer friends. Anyways, at the end of last year, she confronted him with her feelings. They kissed once, but he told her he didn't want anything more than friends with her. For the next fortnight she called him repeatedly begging to see him to talk more.. and he met up with her a few times to try and calm her down. I found out they had been hanging out from a friend of hers.. and to hear it through a third party.. I of course assumed the absolute worse and thought it was a full blown affair. I then stopped speaking to him for two months, until I was finally ready to hear the truth.. and BOY was it different than I thought.Anyway, I like to think after four months of talking about EVERYTING that happened, that I would feel more relaxed about it. They had been talking regularly for over a year.. and you'd think that the fact nothing really physical happened.. or that it was more a friendship.. there were no, "I miss you"'s or "I love you's".. that I could just GET OVER IT.. but why does it keep coming back to haunt me?I feel guilty when I'm spending time with him.. because my mind keeps reverting back to the past and I keep wondering if I know the whole truth.. or if she's going to contact him again.. what that KISS they had was REALLY like.. or whether he's ever had this happen before without my knowledge. I feel obsessive and just plain crazy thinking and dwelling about something SO TRIVIAL.. but what sticks in my mind is that he'd lied to me over that year, about the time he spent with her. I had asked him directly if she was back at the end of last year (she lives far away).. and he said she wasn't.. but then I found out she was. I've since confronted about telling me those lies.. but he said he was trying to "sort it out" and "fix it". He said he didn't want to see her upset and was trying to end things amacably. I have to trust now that after at least 1000 hours of talking about it and analysing it, that he's telling me the truth.. but how can I shut those doubts off in my mind? I am crazy about this man.. and I have had ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS AT ALL that they've had contact since. He has missed me like crazy and seems happier than ever to be by my side. I feel like my doubts and insecurities are ruining my chance at happiness.. the chance to be with the man I thought I'd lost. Being without him was the worst time in my life and I would go to bed each night, crying myself to sleep, wishing more than anything it was all a nightmare and he hadn't deceived me. You would think that to find out the TRUTH and be able to take him back into my life knowing he never slept with her or that it wasn't even like a real affair would make me happy.. :O(Have I lost the plot? Am I being petty and pathetic? Does this guy deserve better than me? Do I deserve better than him? ARGH! Look forward to hearing your thoughts.
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male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (12 July 2010):
This one is a tough one. I agree you have thought about this enough in a negative way. It's time to stop that now.
I think try and think about how this can make your relationship stronger instead of worrying about how it can hurt your relationship so much. Like getting to know your partner better and trusting them more. Next time try and take a good attitude like "well, he didn't have an affair, what can we both learn about this and how can we deeper understand each other." My female friend had an affair and they both say it was the best thing that ever happened to their marriage. They talked it out well why it happened. Now they're that madly in love in their 50's kind. If you look at it as a way of growing with your partner, it can really help.
You do have one lesson. Every partner needs attention. Try to always make time for this even if you're both busy.
I think you should ask this quesition again to this board. You might get a better answer from the weekday people. And try and think of it as a way to to improve your relationship. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): If I've learnt anything, it's don't make a big thing out of it, the more you bug him the more he's going to be pushed further away, it happens with both girls and boys, he's just going to think your in his face all the time.
Just believe him and get on with everything, be glad that he still wants to be beside you and that you both are still together.
if you do have a lot of doubt in your mind, ask him if you both can talk about what's happened and be mature about it, don't go off on one.
Hope all goes well.
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A
female
reader, nicewile  +, writes (9 July 2010):
they just talk. i bet your guy just wants to make you crazy.
how come you not get use to it????? do you know how many secrets your guy has? why you only worry about her? you have to get use to it when you with him. this is your life. if i was you,i don't want to live like this way.
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