A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im a in a real bad moral situation that i cannot seem to make a decision on. I had a 5 year relationship with a girl who i love dearly. We started growing distant and she broke up with me on the day my dog died. It was a real heartache and i asked to try and work it out. She needed time to herself and i left her alone. Not even a month later she started dating someone else. They lasted a month and he broke up with her, within that time she stopped talking to me. After they broke up she started talking to me again and is trying to get back with me. She told me that she slept with this guy and it kills me. I have only been with her and it bothers me that i have not been with anyone else. I feel now that it would bother me even more if i was to get back with her. I still care and am a nice guy but feel i need to sleep with someone else while im single to get this out of my system. I know i cant string her along but am i wrong to want to do it? just sucks and is a bad situation to be in, any advice would be awesome
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I have an idea. If I was in your shoes this is how I'd feel, and Im wondering that maybe you feel the same way, but haven't figured out how to put words on it. So here it goes, maybe you agree with me and maybe you don't.
If this happened to me, I'd feel bad because she had sex with someone else. My own sexual experience wouldn't have been of such importance. If she hadn't slept with someone else it'd be easier to take her back, as the bond between us hadn't been broken. In a way, I see kissing other people, or having sex, as cutting that final bond tying you together. So she cut that bond on her part by having sex. You didn't cut the bond on your part, as you haven't had sex with anyone since her.
To me, that is what is of importance, that the bond was cut. For us to be together again I feel that bond shouldn't have been cut. But now that it is, I think I would need time to heal from the wound. It hurts more to know that the bond was cut, than if you had just been broken up and then go back together. Now that she's had sex it is different.
One way to move on IS to have sex yourself, because then you cut that bond on your part as well. It would be the same as finally let her go. To me it wouldn't be about the number of partners. If I had only her, or a dozen before her, I'd feel the same. She moved on, and you haven't yet. That creates an imbalance. The only way to correct that imbalance is to let her go as well, to cut the same bonds.
Thus, sex becomes a symbol, and is more than just the act itself.
However there are other things you can do other than having sex with someone else, to create the same effect. One thing would be to let about a year pass by without talking to her. That would be cutting her off. Another could be to fall in love with someone new, that also means you cut her off.
I think however, for the time being, there is only one thing that stands clear, and that is that you are not ready to be in a relationship with this girl again. You love her, but she hurt you badly, and you need to recover from this. You shouldn't force yourself to move on by sleeping with someone new, especially if you're unsure about WHY you want to sleep with someone new. You might regret it. So, just take some time to be single and think about things.
If your ex asks to be with you, tell her you are still hurt by the break-up, and need time to move past it. And that maybe in the future you can be together again. But no time sooner than (give or take) 6 months.
And then, do whatever you feel is best for you to do. She might not stick around waiting for you, but you shouldn't make a decision right now on whether or not you and her should get back into a relationship, it is too soon.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): I agree with Youwish in that you should probably stay single for a while, eventually find a nicer more sensitive girl. Ur ex only came crawling back to you when her crush of the moment had finished with her (She might say that she came to her senses and realised that your the only guy for her) but I think that is wishful thinking. Move on from her, it seems to be bringing the worst out of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 June 2011):
 If you sleep with someone else, you will not even things out or get it out of your system. Your hurt won't decrease, nor will your trust of her not to devastate you at will.
If you want to feel better, stay single and don't look back. She broke up with you on the day your dog died! That is cold.
Remember, she started dating less than a month later. This means it's a high probability that she had her eye on him while you two were together. She slept with him fast, he dumped her, and now she's running back to you. Do you think she won't do that again to you? How would you like to be the guy she's only with until someone "better" comes along?
You're worth more than that. Don't look backwards. Don't sleep with someone else to even the playing field, because you'll just be using that woman. Cut loose, let this girl live with her decision, and find a keeper woman who will love you and is more mature.
...............................
|
