A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online dating over a year ago he said he wasnt ready for a relationship. He had been single for a couple of month and realised he was just trying to fill a gap left by his ex.He was only on the site for a month but deleted his account after we had met. We agreed to stay friends met up a couple of times and would check in with each other now and then he knows how i feel about him and would like something to come of it but i also havent just sat waiting for him. The other day i had been to see a friend ( social distance style ) and we got drinking then i did something stupid i messaged him like he was more than a friend insisting i should go round to see him and we could have a catch up and laugh. This was going on until about 1.30am he had told me 3 times he wanted to sleep but i didnt pay attention. He then turned his phone off. The next morning i apologised and again at 7.30pm but hes now ignoring me . I know i should give him space but im more angry at myself than he could be for keeping him awake when he was tired and i didnt listen to him i didnt show him respect like he has done with me over the time of knowing him. I dont know what to do to show how sorry i am , i do want him in my life even if just as a friend , but i feel ive ruined everything now. apart from space is there anything i can do ?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 July 2020):
 He never says say, he never says no.
Why do you think that is? He is stringing you along. If he told you NOT really interested YOU would move on to someone else and stop wasting your time, right?
He enjoys the fact that YOU like him and that you are there for a few roll in the hay when needed, but he doesn't WANT to date you.
If he was so scared he would have "ghosted" you.
You are a mature woman, not a kid. Decide if you want to waste more time chasing someone who can't/won't move forward or have a GROWN up relationship.
Being drunk (either of you) doesn't really give you a free pass to do things you wouldn't or shouldn't do sober. Take some time and consider WHAT you really want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): Im the op. Last year after a few dates things did progress and we slept together a few times inc a couple this year. He has drunk texted me before to which doesn't bother me. I didn't do it to get at him im not like that. So what that im over 40 im only human and like everyone else I make mistakes. I do own what I've done and apologise. He hasn't blocked me. We had both been drinking that night and the way he talks and expresses himself led me to read into it wrong. He made it sound he wanted more but was too scared to say. But I have accepted he doesn't want anything if he did he would say but he never says yes and never says no
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 July 2020):
 I suspect you want a lot more from him than friendship. He shouldn't have been on a dating site if he knew he wasn't ready to date. You were not on there looking for friends; you were looking for dates and, with any luck, a relationship.
It's good that you have not been waiting around for him because, if he still isn't wanting to date you after a year, then chances are he is never going to want to date you. Whether he wants to date anyone else is another question completely.
So you got drunk and became stupid and thoughtless. Worse things happen at sea and he had the choice of switching off his phone a lot earlier than he did. You have apologised so now it's up to him to decide whether he is going to forgive you or not. In your shoes I wouldn't push it any further. You two have different agendas and it is entirely possible he has chosen to distance himself because you drove that home during your drunken ramblings and he now chooses not to be in contact with you.
Look for a man who is ready, willing and able to give himself wholeheartedly to a relationship with you. You deserve nothing less.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): Leave him alone. The ball is now in his court. If he wishes to reconcile and forgive you for this misdemeanor; then so be it. If he feels it's best to cut-ties, respect his rights and wishes. Drunken-behavior is a warning-sign!
Did you only form the friendship with the hopes you'd get a relationship out of it? Well, apparently it won't come to that.
Summon your dignity, and compose yourself. Move on, and seek romance elsewhere. Make sure you don't repeat this mistake. I can't blame him for his reaction to that kind of behavior.
A sincere and heartfelt-apology is magnanimous, and a gesture of goodwill. It shows a deep remorse and sorrow for the pain or suffering we have caused. It is up to the recipient and victim of our transgression or misdeed to forgive us; and we allow them the time to reach that state of mind and point of healing. It might take a very long time; depending on their sensitivity, level of resilience, and the severity of the misdeed(s). Also, how forgiving or petty they may be. Those who are unforgiving, still deserve an apology; but their vengeful-spirit won't be satisfied. Best to put distance between you. Unless you've committed a crime; then you probably won't get far! That's when you owe them penitence. A mere apology is just a teardrop in the ocean.
Apologies do not erase your fault, they do not demand immediate and complete dismissal of your violation against someone; and they certainly don't force people to forgive you according to your preferred-timeline! Forgiveness is divine, but not all people give it.
In some cases, it may help to plead your case; and then, it may not! Honor the person you've offended with patience. Meanwhile, try to forgive yourself; and redeem yourself by trying not to repeat what you did by by offending anybody-else the same way. God is a Benevolent and Divine Being, capable of unlimited mercy and forgiveness. We human beings, have a limited capacity in those areas.
Give him space. Don't expect romance now, or in the future. He has seen the wrong-side of you. It happens to all of us. Sometimes it is an indication of "divine-intervention" sent to intercept and realign destiny (for either, or both parties involved); and to correct or prevent what shouldn't be. We can't defy fate. We just pack it in, and move on. Live and learn! Then pass-on the wisdom.
Never form manipulative-friendships with a hidden-agenda; thinking you'll windup in a romantic-relationship. Frustration or desperation might overwhelm you; and make you do foolish and embarrassing things. Just because he said he "might" want a relationship, doesn't mean you are guaranteed to get one. You have offered him a deal-breaker and/or a red-flag to consider. Maybe your behavior was something he wouldn't even tolerate from a friend. Don't tear yourself apart about it. It is what it is.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 July 2020):
 So you met this guy over a year ago, agreed to stay friends and would check in with each other now and then. If nothing has ever happened during all that time, the chances are nothing ever will.
I think that what happened when you drunk messaged him has kind of ruined any chances of anything happening ever again, whether it be relationship or friendship.
I think you crossed some boundaries, boundaries that make most men run for the hills. Maybe after he told you the first time he wanted to sleep you could of just said good night. But you never listened to him, and went on texting another two times after that. So I'm not really surprised he turned his phone off. Also I would not find it surprising if he has blocked you as well.
You made a mistake, a stupid mistake. You now have the benefit of hindsight, and hopefully you will think twice if you ever feel like you are going to do anything like that again.
As for him, I would forget about this guy now and move on, delete his number, and look forward and not back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): You have behaved in a very childish and pushy way. This guy had no interest in you before and even less now. As for saying that you apologised - you only apologised because you realised that you had gone way too far and thought that an apology would somehow wipe out how badly you behaved and turn it around. It was not because you wanted the person to feel better, it was in the hope that you got what you want.
You need to get a grip on yourself so that you do not behave this way again with this guy or any other.
For people who are after sex or a relationship drunken calls and texts or very late night contacts out of the blue is the same as shooting yourself in the foot.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2020):
I think you are fooling yourself when you say you want him in your life, EVEN as a friend.
You didn't drunk text time because you see him as a friend.
You are being unrealistic here.
You have known him for OVER a year and NOTHING has come of this. Nothing will. Drunk texting CERTAINLY didn't help, but I think if he was GENUINELY interested in you he would JUST be your texting buddy.
Also, what were you thinking? You are a GROWN woman in her 40's? And you DRUNK text someone you really like, you show how desperate you ARE, no dignity whatso ever and no respect for him either.
At 1:30 am to boot?
You need to get a grip here, lady. If you were in your teens or VERY early 20's I can see that happening, but at your age? YOU know better. Or you should know better.
My advice? Leave him ALONE. He is NOT your friend. And you become someone I think YOU don't like when you drink with regards to him. BECAUSE YOU want more.
Stop pretending that you CAN be a good friend. Or that HE can be a good friend to you. Once there is some romantic feelings from either side a friendship is NOT going to happen.
You have already apologized, so don't do that any more. And if you have so little self control while drinking... delete his number.
You owned your behavior (which is good) but seriously, learn from this. It's super unattractive to drunk call or text someone who IS NOT interested. And it's super unattractive to throw yourself at a guy who IS NOT interested.
I'd be surprised if he doesn't block you.
Don't waste your time and energy on a guy who really wants nothing to do with you besides some "friendly texting". You want more, so LOOK for someone who is willing to GIVE you more.
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