A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I live with my parents due to financial reasons. after a series of bereavements, my mum moved out in the new year,so now I just live with my dad. they both talk to me about their problems (we have always been close) but i find it so hard to deal with the stuff they are saying. they are not officially split yet, but not living together either. my dad wants my mum more than my mum wants my dad, and can only really talk to me. but the bereavement, amongst other things, have really affected them. mum has never had counselling for the losses and stuff she has been through. neither has my dad. this hasnt helped their marriage. i have tried to tell them both for their own good to seek help, but it falls on deaf ears. my dad is having massive mood swings and is quite desperate. all the pressure is on me. my brother and sister are no help whatsoever, they live away from home and say they are struggling to deal with it although they are never here. they have their own families etc, i am single and i cannot have children. i am too old to be in this situation, and i feel ridiculous asking, but how can i make things more bearable because i honestly cannot cope with hearing all this stuff.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): You may feel you have been the buffer for them for a long time? If so it is hard to break free. Do you think they are apart because they have not been able to communicate? Perhaps they would still be together if they had done so.
Explain to your parents that you have found their discussions too heavy to carry and that it is actually depressing you because you find that you are not suitably equipped to deal with their emotional needs to this extent. Unloading can be useful so long as it is not all placed on YOUR head; an impartial person has much more capacity than you because you worry about them.
If you have a local pastor that you know or would contact it may help you. There must be things on line about bereavement or books they can read.
Perhaps the single most important message could be something along the lines that you would like to share things with them that have uplifting effects such as trips to the cinema, walks, etc. You can support to an extent but don’t get caught in situations where this is for too long. Visit them with someone else or meet in a public place. Either way you must tell them how you feel and not be a sponge for woe.
You sound a little sad yourself, judging by what you said about being single and unable to have children. Why not start looking after yourself as the most important person. If you have low self esteem find out about cognitive behavioural therapy. It is certainly helping me!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): My boyfriend was in a similar situation - almost playing the 'missing spouse' at times to both parents. They are leaning on you for support and of course, it is important to be there for your parents emotionally however I get the feeling things are a bit too convenient for them having you so close to hand. Maybe you could reduce the amount of time you are available to speak in such depth - to try and get the balance right. Do you have a good social life? You are not responsible for your parents lives - they created them and their situation. Offer advice if they do not choose to take it / act on it - realise you cannot change them. Just do not repeat yourself over and over. Be firm and say "We have talked this through before I don't feel I can say any more. I'm sorry. My suggestion was counselling." This way you need to make your parents see that THEY have to move on. At the moment you may be feeding their anxieties, their needs and (ironically) actually keeping them stuck there. Consider your own life and really focus on that. My boyfriend has since emigrated to Oz, for financial and lifestyle reasons. A bit drastic just to avoid parents but he is a great deal happier :-)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 You are there to listen and not to offer solutions.They need an outlet and you are the conduit. Like a psychiatrist, you pretend to listen and then forget what they said afterwards. You are there for a purpose.
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A
female
reader, lynnb84 +, writes (23 January 2008):
tell them its not fair putting you in the middle all the time. Im sure you have your own problems without taking on theirs aswell. If they wont get any proffesional help for their greif etc then theres really nothing more you can do. Tell them you'll always be there for them but you cant always be the shoulder they need. you have your own life to live aswell. You need to take a step back and just let them get on with it.
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